This is the one rule by which I live my life. No matter how old or desperate I get, the pitfalls of dating a woman with a canine companion are too numerous to mention….
From my parents fighting, to a slap with a with a slipper and having my new trainers ‘christened’ by Phil Babb, here’s a potted history of misery.
From the importance of big arms to the gender of Martina Navaritolova, the wisdom my old man passed on to me was by and large useless.
Meeting girls is fun isn’t it? Well, no. Here are just some of the many things that can go wrong…
He bought me a sandwich so good my jaw aches, but not nearly as much as my heart hurts now I’ve realised I should probably buy him one back.
Wimbledon starts today, but a tennis tournament featuring only my nadirs would be full of blood, sweat, tears and sports cars. But who will win? Me at 22 or the 38-year-old I am now? And there is always 27 to consider…
All I wanted was to get lost in a good book, instead I got attacked by someone else’s nether regions.
He’s the greatest modern writer by a long shot, and regularly stops me in my tracks with stark yet brilliant lines. It’s the only thing I have to thank one of my exes for…
Wouldn’t it be better if we all had detachable hands? A pair for mowing the lawn, a pair for chopping onions and, yes, and pair for sex. A whole minefield of problems averted in one fell swoop.
When the time comes to shave his long hair short a man should prepare his loved ones with an advance warning in the style of a celebrity snapshot.
A May-to-December romance purely for financial gain is a tricky venture and needs to be assessed properly. After all, it didn’t exactly work out for Anne Nicole Smith.
Dogs. Not every man’s best friend, especially when the fragrance of their bowel movements ruin your picnic date.
I stepped in to help a damsel in distress, under a volley of Portugese abuse and at the risk of getting my head kicked in…
It’s not the big stuff that breaks us. It’s the collection of small, seemingly inconsequential moments. Like falling down an escalator holding a Boba Fett doll or being alone at a checkout till.
This cafe I frequent has a low turnover of staff and, as such, the addition of a new waiter has come as something as a surprise…
What are you supposed to do when you’re getting steamy with a lady friend and she whips her wig off?
I probably won’t be a Dad before I’m 30 and there is a distinct possibility I might have to be hosed down by my God Daughter…
Growing up as a bloke, you’re constantly told about the inevitable and crippling changes your body will go through. So why then are we so unprepared for what starts growing out of our ears?
Penthouse flat in Stockwell. Superb views. £200 a wk. Given a choice, I’d rather not return to Stockwell. It’s shit. But a penthouse, at that price, I was curious…
What are the implications of your actions? Have you ever stopped to think about the bigger picture? Sure, to you this is just a step but what about to your eagerly awaiting boyfriend and his perfect clean furniture?
The plan to celebrate the Royal Wedding with a campsite combines two of my major bug bears: The Royals and dog poo strewn Clapham Common.
After 10 years of nothing more than a cursory smile, the woman who regularly serves me in the cafe I frequent brightened my day with a gesture…
From Coco-Pops to Victoria Principal, all sorts of weird stuff pops into my head as I trudge to work…
Sat in my local caff, it came to me that piercing an egg yolk is none too dissimilar to unleashing breasts from a bra. Now if only that man would wash his hands…
Tired, grumpy and with a face like a workman’s bench I decided to step in to save a damsel in relative distress. Here’s why I’ve made better decisions.
Out of Room 11, Miss Latin America has walked and I’m sleeping on a friend’s sofa. But I won’t be indulging in self-love, it just wouldn’t do…
I don’t ever have to worry about going bald, but I have had to re-consider my commitment to long hair as I face my forties.
Things looking doomed with your lady? Struggling to get your leg over AND pay for desert? The trick is to find a bridge jumper and talk him down.
He’s buried several family members but never a girlfriend, and knows that he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything other than their orgasms at the burial.
Food, it’s a necessity. But is it better to starve than to risk chewing too elaborately in front of the opposite sex? Tough call.
In the past I would’ve saved a drowning child, turned down the reward and walked off into the sunset. But in these hard financial times my demands have changed a tad. Cough up or I’m not even dipping a toe pal.
Fancy spending your first week in a new job shadowing your soon to be predecessor? Me neither, but it’s on the cards…
Losing your job is never easy. The humiliation, the insecurity and the money problems are all terrible, but it’s the crippling apathy that stings the most
Lending cash to your mates is awkward. ‘When will I get it back?’ you wonder. ‘Will I have to ask for it?’ – if only it was as easy as turning away as they slip it into your coat, never to be mentioned again.
In these hard economic times, don’t go around chatting up another bloke’s missus – he’s your brother, and she might get too big for her boots.
Watch Match of the Day and the girlfriend will go bonkers, leave and her parents know I’m climbing into bed with their first born – what’s a man to do?
We’re temps, the workforce changes more often than my pants, so why on earth does every bleeder get a card and present when they walk out the door?
In an ideal world, businesses would pay me a shedload to stick their bogs in the basement or drive all women to a wasteland to do their business.
Your other half is being laughed at? Mocked? Bullied? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, it’s not worth it.
Because nothing says true love quite like an entire family living in a single room divided only by a curtain.
She’s noticed, oh god she’s noticed. She must think I’m some kind of animal – I feel so dirty. Why didn’t I just shave them this morning?
Top tip: if you live in a gangland heavy area make sure you date unattractive woman to avoid unwanted attention.
It’s a problem we will all face at some point in our lives kiss an autistic person and risk getting a cold sore, or, don’t kiss them and risk being ostracised forever. Which is worse? You decide.
Social etiquette versus obsessive compulsive hygiene issues, there can only be one winner.
With relationship tips like “keep it boring” and “always keep the relationship on the edge just incase she has an accident” my Dad was always the best for girlfriend advice.
Is the glass half full or half empty? It doesn’t matter, you’re going to die soon. The only thing worse than seeing your family cop it – getting it wrong when you guess.
When it comes to copping it, there are a few things you need ironed out, like – ‘who’s going to get rid of all me porn?’
Holland’s first appearance in the World Cup Final in 1978 triggered my first ever lie. Thirty two years on the Dutch are back and I have now mastered the art of deception.
Don’t keep her guessing, if you’ve got the chest to show off, flaunt it, even if you haven’t at least she’ll know what she’s signed up for.
Continental kissing: You kiss one cheek and then the other simple, or so you’d think, but what happens if you go wrong and accidentally end up meeting somewhere in the middle?
Breaking up is never easy, unless you do it by text. From “in a relationship” to “single” in the space of 160 characters, life couldn’t be more simple.
Life is full of demeaning things you don’t want to do but you know you have to do, but, on your 30th birthday, would pushing a trolley full of stationery around be a step too far?
It’s bad enough that they’ve literally crushed your heart to pieces or you theirs, don’t make your break up worse by wracking up a massive phone bill to prove it.
A relationship with Miranda Sawyer, cosy SW1 property, and more spice than you could shake a stick at where what Daniel Ruiz Tizon had in mind but unfortunately life had other plans.
Ok so we’ve had a near death experience, our plane crashed and we’re the only survivors but that does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that we should be friends.
Some elements of social etiquette are standard: always say please and thank you, don’t look at a woman’s boobs when she’s talking, never watch someone when they’re using an ATM.
Gone are the days when your Mum would buy your pants for you, now buying underwear involves a panic stricken trip to the shop and even then you might come back empty handed.
Women want to feel protected, and what better way to do that than by wrapping them inbetween two guns even Schwarzenegger would be proud to own.
Would you want a man touching you up whilst you’re tearing up? No. That’s why Daniel Ruiz Tizon needs to work on his comforting skills.
Not wanting his relationship legacy to be that of a tight twat Daniel Ruiz Tizon decided it was time to splash some cash.
Forget fast cars, big money and great looks, if you really want to impress a woman get a great hallway.
Job hunting is a bitch. For Daniel Ruiz Tizon the search for employment is making him lose the ability to make his face function properly.
Daniel Ruiz Tizon enters a shop, all he wants is a pastry, that is, all he did want was a pastry, until he saw something which put him right off his food.
Ways to try and save your parent’s marriage No.364748. Comedian Daniel Ruiz Tizon recalls another unsuccessful plan from his childhood.
You gotta love queuing – it’s just so erotically charged. That is, if you’ve got a lot of time on your hands and you’re comedian Daniel Ruiz Tizon…