Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?

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Daniel Ruiz Tizon

Sabotaging since 5 May 2010

Writer and comedian Daniel Ruiz Tizon, South London's most disappointed man and former presenter of "Please Don't Hug Me", "The Daniel Ruiz Tizon Podcast" and "Nowhere Has Everything You Need", returns with a brand new comedy podcast in which he dissects the minutiae of everyday life. And do remember, Daniel Ruiz Tizon is Available. He is so available. Out every Monday. Follow the show on Twitter @1607WestEgg RSS http://ow.ly/ixj3D iTunes http://ow.ly/ixjHY.

My Articles

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Life

The Dating Scenarios I Dread

Meeting girls is fun isn’t it? Well, no. Here are just some of the many things that can go wrong…

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Life

Why You Should Never Date A Woman With A Dog

This is the one rule by which I live my life. No matter how old or desperate I get, the pitfalls of dating a woman with a canine companion are too numerous to mention….

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Life

Moments in My Life I Could’ve Done Without – Part 1

From my parents fighting, to a slap with a with a slipper and having my new trainers ‘christened’ by Phil Babb, here’s a potted history of misery.

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Life

16 Things My Dad Told Me That Were Quite Simply Untrue

From the importance of big arms to the gender of Martina Navaritolova, the wisdom my old man passed on to me was by and large useless.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: The Substantial Sandwich

He bought me a sandwich so good my jaw aches, but not nearly as much as my heart hurts now I’ve realised I should probably buy him one back.

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Life

The Nadir Masters: Wimbledon For Tortured Souls

Wimbledon starts today, but a tennis tournament featuring only my nadirs would be full of blood, sweat, tears and sports cars. But who will win? Me at 22 or the 38-year-old I am now? And there is always 27 to consider…

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Funny

So There Was A Pubic Hair in My Library Book…

All I wanted was to get lost in a good book, instead I got attacked by someone else’s nether regions.

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Life

Haruki Murakami, Star-Crossed Lovers And Me

He’s the greatest modern writer by a long shot, and regularly stops me in my tracks with stark yet brilliant lines. It’s the only thing I have to thank one of my exes for…

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Life

Sex Would Be Better If I Had Detachable Hands

Wouldn’t it be better if we all had detachable hands? A pair for mowing the lawn, a pair for chopping onions and, yes, and pair for sex. A whole minefield of problems averted in one fell swoop.

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Fashion & Style

The Hair Agreement

When the time comes to shave his long hair short a man should prepare his loved ones with an advance warning in the style of a celebrity snapshot.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: The Volte-Face

A May-to-December romance purely for financial gain is a tricky venture and needs to be assessed properly. After all, it didn’t exactly work out for Anne Nicole Smith.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Pooper Scoopers

Dogs. Not every man’s best friend, especially when the fragrance of their bowel movements ruin your picnic date.

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Life

Thought For The Day: The Café Set-To

I stepped in to help a damsel in distress, under a volley of Portugese abuse and at the risk of getting my head kicked in…

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Life

Gap In Lettuce Knowledge And Other Things About Me

It’s not the big stuff that breaks us. It’s the collection of small, seemingly inconsequential moments. Like falling down an escalator holding a Boba Fett doll or being alone at a checkout till.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: A New Waiter

This cafe I frequent has a low turnover of staff and, as such, the addition of a new waiter has come as something as a surprise…

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: The Wig

What are you supposed to do when you’re getting steamy with a lady friend and she whips her wig off?

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Life

Thoughts For The day: The Future Worries Me A Little

I probably won’t be a Dad before I’m 30 and there is a distinct possibility I might have to be hosed down by my God Daughter…

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Life

Thoughts For the Day: The Ear

Growing up as a bloke, you’re constantly told about the inevitable and crippling changes your body will go through. So why then are we so unprepared for what starts growing out of our ears?

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Life

Thoughts for the Day: Penthouse Flat in Stockwell

Penthouse flat in Stockwell. Superb views. £200 a wk. Given a choice, I’d rather not return to Stockwell. It’s shit. But a penthouse, at that price, I was curious…

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: My Questions For The Woman Who Sat On This Step

What are the implications of your actions? Have you ever stopped to think about the bigger picture? Sure, to you this is just a step but what about to your eagerly awaiting boyfriend and his perfect clean furniture?

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: – Camp Royale

The plan to celebrate the Royal Wedding with a campsite combines two of my major bug bears: The Royals and dog poo strewn Clapham Common.

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Life

Thought for the Day: The Tall Glass Gesture

After 10 years of nothing more than a cursory smile, the woman who regularly serves me in the cafe I frequent brightened my day with a gesture…

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Life

Thoughts For the Day: The Journey to Work

From Coco-Pops to Victoria Principal, all sorts of weird stuff pops into my head as I trudge to work…

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Life

Thoughts For the Day: The Yolk and The Bra

Sat in my local caff, it came to me that piercing an egg yolk is none too dissimilar to unleashing breasts from a bra. Now if only that man would wash his hands…

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Beauty & The Beast

Tired, grumpy and with a face like a workman’s bench I decided to step in to save a damsel in relative distress. Here’s why I’ve made better decisions.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Home But Not Alone

Out of Room 11, Miss Latin America has walked and I’m sleeping on a friend’s sofa. But I won’t be indulging in self-love, it just wouldn’t do…

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: The Haircut

I don’t ever have to worry about going bald, but I have had to re-consider my commitment to long hair as I face my forties.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Suicide Watch

Things looking doomed with your lady? Struggling to get your leg over AND pay for desert? The trick is to find a bridge jumper and talk him down.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: ‘Til Death Do Us Part

He’s buried several family members but never a girlfriend, and knows that he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything other than their orgasms at the burial.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Chewing Conflict

Food, it’s a necessity. But is it better to starve than to risk chewing too elaborately in front of the opposite sex? Tough call.

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Life

Thoughts for the Day: The Recession Has Even Altered My Fantasies

In the past I would’ve saved a drowning child, turned down the reward and walked off into the sunset. But in these hard financial times my demands have changed a tad. Cough up or I’m not even dipping a toe pal.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: The Handover

Fancy spending your first week in a new job shadowing your soon to be predecessor? Me neither, but it’s on the cards…

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Life

Thought For The Day: I Have Just Lost My Job

Losing your job is never easy. The humiliation, the insecurity and the money problems are all terrible, but it’s the crippling apathy that stings the most

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Don’t Money Lend, My Friend

Lending cash to your mates is awkward. ‘When will I get it back?’ you wonder. ‘Will I have to ask for it?’ – if only it was as easy as turning away as they slip it into your coat, never to be mentioned again.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Thou Shalt Not Compliment Women

In these hard economic times, don’t go around chatting up another bloke’s missus – he’s your brother, and she might get too big for her boots.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: The Long Goodnight

Watch Match of the Day and the girlfriend will go bonkers, leave and her parents know I’m climbing into bed with their first born – what’s a man to do?

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: I’m All For A Low-Key Exit

We’re temps, the workforce changes more often than my pants, so why on earth does every bleeder get a card and present when they walk out the door?

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Loo Layouts Are Poo

In an ideal world, businesses would pay me a shedload to stick their bogs in the basement or drive all women to a wasteland to do their business.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Don’t Get Involved, You’re Too Pretty

Your other half is being laughed at? Mocked? Bullied? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, it’s not worth it.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Curtain Screen Dream

Because nothing says true love quite like an entire family living in a single room divided only by a curtain.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: My Feet Deceit

She’s noticed, oh god she’s noticed. She must think I’m some kind of animal – I feel so dirty. Why didn’t I just shave them this morning?

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Romance in Gangland

Top tip: if you live in a gangland heavy area make sure you date unattractive woman to avoid unwanted attention.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Curt Smith Would Do The Same. Probably

It’s a problem we will all face at some point in our lives kiss an autistic person and risk getting a cold sore, or, don’t kiss them and risk being ostracised forever. Which is worse? You decide.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Reprisal of the Cold Sore Conundrum

Social etiquette versus obsessive compulsive hygiene issues, there can only be one winner.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Always Have Half An Eye On The Break Up

With relationship tips like “keep it boring” and “always keep the relationship on the edge just incase she has an accident” my Dad was always the best for girlfriend advice.

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Life

Death Predictions

Is the glass half full or half empty? It doesn’t matter, you’re going to die soon. The only thing worse than seeing your family cop it – getting it wrong when you guess.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Don’t Let Me Die In Dog Turd

When it comes to copping it, there are a few things you need ironed out, like – ‘who’s going to get rid of all me porn?’

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Football

From Total Football to Total Liar: How Holland Taught Me To Deceive

Holland’s first appearance in the World Cup Final in 1978 triggered my first ever lie. Thirty two years on the Dutch are back and I have now mastered the art of deception.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Show A Bit Of Chest

Don’t keep her guessing, if you’ve got the chest to show off, flaunt it, even if you haven’t at least she’ll know what she’s signed up for.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Continental Kiss On Hold

Continental kissing: You kiss one cheek and then the other simple, or so you’d think, but what happens if you go wrong and accidentally end up meeting somewhere in the middle?

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Texting Time Out

Breaking up is never easy, unless you do it by text. From “in a relationship” to “single” in the space of 160 characters, life couldn’t be more simple.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Not On My Birthday

Life is full of demeaning things you don’t want to do but you know you have to do, but, on your 30th birthday, would pushing a trolley full of stationery around be a step too far?

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Strategic Arguing

It’s bad enough that they’ve literally crushed your heart to pieces or you theirs, don’t make your break up worse by wracking up a massive phone bill to prove it.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Cultural Commentator

A relationship with Miranda Sawyer, cosy SW1 property, and more spice than you could shake a stick at where what Daniel Ruiz Tizon had in mind but unfortunately life had other plans.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Don’t Bond With Me

Ok so we’ve had a near death experience, our plane crashed and we’re the only survivors but that does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that we should be friends.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Step Away From The Cashpoint

Some elements of social etiquette are standard: always say please and thank you, don’t look at a woman’s boobs when she’s talking, never watch someone when they’re using an ATM.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: I Need Some New Pants

Gone are the days when your Mum would buy your pants for you, now buying underwear involves a panic stricken trip to the shop and even then you might come back empty handed.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: It’s All About The Arms

Women want to feel protected, and what better way to do that than by wrapping them inbetween two guns even Schwarzenegger would be proud to own.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Too Close For Comfort

Would you want a man touching you up whilst you’re tearing up? No. That’s why Daniel Ruiz Tizon needs to work on his comforting skills.

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Life

Thoughts for the Day: Spending Is Key

Not wanting his relationship legacy to be that of a tight twat Daniel Ruiz Tizon decided it was time to splash some cash.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: The Hallway Is Critical

Forget fast cars, big money and great looks, if you really want to impress a woman get a great hallway.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Job Hunting

Job hunting is a bitch. For Daniel Ruiz Tizon the search for employment is making him lose the ability to make his face function properly.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Cold Sore Conundrum

Daniel Ruiz Tizon enters a shop, all he wants is a pastry, that is, all he did want was a pastry, until he saw something which put him right off his food.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Misbehaving For A Good Reason

Ways to try and save your parent’s marriage No.364748. Comedian Daniel Ruiz Tizon recalls another unsuccessful plan from his childhood.

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Life

Thoughts For The Day: Why I Love Queuing Up

You gotta love queuing – it’s just so erotically charged. That is, if you’ve got a lot of time on your hands and you’re comedian Daniel Ruiz Tizon…

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Life

Thoughts Of The Day: The Double Urine Infection of ’85

What do you do if you’re 13 years old and your parents marriage is breaking up before your eyes? Simple, buy an extremely dodgy love potion from the local fairground, sit back and watch the magic happen

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