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Gareth Dimelow

Sabotaging since 3 Mar 2011

Gareth Dimelow is a marketeer, but he’s not all bad. As well as working as a copywriter, creative consultant and brand experience director, he’s also snarky, sarcastic and prone to excessive bouts of pop culture consumption. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of information with no discernible value, which he channels into his daily blog. If nothing else, it’s usually good for a few lazy cock jokes. You can follow him on Twitter @gdimelow or click here www.p0pvulture.blogspot.com for Gareth’s blog..

My Articles

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TV

The Apprentice 2014: The Idiots Are Back

Here’s a few things we learnt about business from the first round of shows…

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TV

The X Factor Week 4: The Gogglebox Effect

Last week, we spent over two hours watching a handful of acts valiantly repeating their introductions to camera, hugging their overly encouraging families, and attempting to win over 5,000 people crammed into uncomfortable plastic seats. That’s right, we’re right in the middle of the arena round; the most pointless addition to the X-Factor since Louis Walsh had his veneers done.

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TV

X Factor Week 2: “Like Listening To A Call Centre Worker Read Through An Insurance Policy”

Chip shops, terrible raps and someone who once took a duvet in a suitcase to LA…

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TV

X Factor 2014 Opening Weekend: The Rot Sets In

In its 11th year, the writing is clearly on the wall, and I don’t mean that derogatory graffiti about Louis in the gents’ cubicles.

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TV

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Welcome To The Dee List

Celebrity Big Brother is back with even more A listers than usual, so here’s a rundown of what we witnessed last night.

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People

RIP Robin Williams: “Make Fun, Not War”

Remembering one of the best loved actors of our time, whose appeal crossed generations.

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Music

30 Years Of ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic

After 30 years of constant reinvention and hard work in the music business, Weird Al Yankovic is back with a new album. Here are some of his finest moments…

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TV

Big Brother 2014: Meet The Young Conservatives

A house full of obnoxious twenty somethings who seem to think that holding down a job warrants a standing ovation? It must be Big Brother time again…

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Film

The 5 Best Found Footage Movies

Merging the narrative with actual events is all the rage at the moment, but despite X-Men and Transformers circling the pan, Blair Witch, Cloverfield and co are a reminder that ‘found footage’ can work…

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TV

The 10 Sexiest Women Of 80s TV

Big hair, bouffants and the odd right-hander. For a generation of men these sirens remain permanently in the minds eye, when the other two are closed of course…

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Books

A Tribute To Sue Townsend’s Adrian Mole: A Hero For Our Time

As the world mourns the passing of author Sue Townsend, I remember her most famous and beloved creation…

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TV

The Voice Final 2014: Time For One More Facepalm

Another series of The Voice draws to a close, just as it’s reached the point where we can actually remember the contestants’ names…

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TV

The Voice Week 13: “So Dull It Could Be Used To Test For Narcolepsy”

The Voice Semi Final is here and the end is finally in sight, but even that isn’t enough to make this predictable show any more bearable.

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TV

The Voice Week 12: “Dancing Like Thunderbirds With Half Their Strings Cut”

The Voice live shows kick off with another stale episode that features more of Will’s selfies than actual singing.

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TV

The Voice Week 11: “Like Being Licked To Death By A Tiresomely Attentive Beagle”

After the battle rounds we’re onto the knockout rounds, but no amount of aggressively titled episodes can save The Voice from being anything but flaccid.

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Film

Hollywood’s Top 10 Bunny Boilers

Remember that psycho ex-girlfriend you had that wouldn’t stop texting you, keeping tabs on your whereabouts at all times and turned out to be a massive pain in the arse? Nothing on this lot…

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TV

The Voice Week 9: Scat Practice, Apathy & Second-Rate Winehouse Impersonators

This show’s quickly turning into the single biggest threat to the music industry since Napster…

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Film

1984: The Ultimate Year of Vintage Cinema

Forget George Orwell’s vision of oppression and thought crimes, because 1984 actually turned out to be the greatest year for vintage films, not unadulterated dictatorship…

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TV

The Voice Week 8: Fighting And Stealing In The Duel Rounds

It’s the end of the blind auditions and contestants are battling it out in the ‘duel rounds’, a much blander affair than the name would suggest…

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TV

The Voice Week 6: I’d Rather Go Deaf

Time is running out on The Voice. Not only for the judges, who’ve still got a number of performers to recruit for their respective teams, but also for the viewers, who are looking at their EPGs and thinking “Well, maybe Take Me Out isn’t so bad.” These are dark times indeed.

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Sex

Why I F*cking Hate Valentines Day

Oh sod off with your “Forever Alone” talk you grumpy singletons. Valentine’s is terrible for EVERYONE, regardless if you’ve found someone….

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TV

The Voice Week 5: Sparkly Newness Becomes Flaccid Familiarity

Judo experts, controlling parents and some revealing slit action, it’s another week on The Voice…

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TV

Channel 4′s The Jump: A Stone Cold Flop

Audiences tuned in to Channel 4′s new reality ski show last night, presumably with the vague hope of seeing some celebrities power-hosed off the branches of a Douglas fir…

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TV

The Voice Week 3: Si Grates, Ricky Waits And Tom Detonates

Guitar playing estate agents, singing cinema attendants and inferiority-complex celebrity siblings. Just another week on The Voice…

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Books

The End Is In Sight: Closing The Book On Armistead Maupin’s Tales Of The City

Next week, Arimstead Maupin releases the ninth and final book in the Tales of the City series, meaning that fans must prepare to say their final goodbyes to some of literature’s most beloved characters…

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TV

The Voice 2014 Week 2: Unveiling Kylie’s Secret Weapon

Ricky is so competitive he won’t even play charades, and Will is on some crazy, fresh, dope philanthropic stuff. Obviously. It’s Kylie who’s still stealing the show from the boys however…

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TV

The Voice 2014: Like ‘Take Me Out’ With Key Changes

The smug judges are gone, and with only a lacklustre diving show to compete with on the other channel, it was The Voice’s time to shine.

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TV

The Taste: Nigella’s Cooking Competition Where Contestants Are An Afterthought

Nigellas new cooking competition, which she’s keen to stress is nothing like the popular cooking show on the other channel, kicked off last night. Get ready for bad metaphors, self-indulgence and a dish that looked like a human eyelid…

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TV

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: “Dappy Looks Like The Scatter Cushions In A Whorehouse”

It’s that time of year again, time to meet the desperate dozen, including Dappy making inexplicable noises, a host of cut-price ‘models’ and a withered looking Lionel Blair.

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Film

5 Of The Best Concept Movies

The guy who first imagined snakes being on a plane probably had his own trailer. Films aren’t always about good scripts and fine acting. Sometimes the idea is the star…

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Film

5 Actors Who Only Play Themselves

Tired of watching the same old actors phone it in on screen and collect a fat paycheck at the end of the day? Me too, and these are the five worst offenders…

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Film

5 Actors Who Will
Ruin Any Film

These actors can always be relied upon to turn escapist popcorn-fodder into unwatchable rubbish. Any we’ve missed out? Tell us in the comments

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People

A Gay Man’s Guide To Hot Women

As a gay man I’d like to set the record straight *coughs* once and for all, so that I’ll be able to join in a round of hot-or-not without having my opinion rejected with a “What would you know?”. Here’s what passes for sexy in my eyes…

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Film

The Seven Greatest Spielberg Moments

A look back at some of his finest moments that have shaped cinema history…

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TV

X Factor 2013 Final Review: The Least Surprising Victory Since Kim Jong-Un’s School Egg And Spoon Race

This week we said goodbye to one of the most painfully dull series’ in the show’s history as Sam was crowned winner, but not before surprise appearances from Wagner, Jedward and a woman with a lobster…

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Politics

Boris Is No Loveable Oaf, He’s A Chilling Representation Of Future Tories

Nothing makes me madder than something I respect saying they like Boris because behind the floppy fringe and gormless grin lies something deeply disturbing…

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TV

X Factor 2013 Week 14: Nicole Talks Shitake & End Of The Road For Rough Copy

Gary’s suits get worse, Nicole’s become so bored with having no acts she’s taken to cursing lightly on air and the show gets taken to dreadlock…

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People

Tom Daley: Media Reaction To Coming Out Is The Biggest News Story Of All

Olympian Tom Daley was in the headlines yesterday after telling the world of his relationship with a man, prompting a mixture of reactions from the public and media which show just how far we’ve come as a society…

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TV

X Factor 2013 Week 14: Lions, Horses and Gazelles, Oh My

The broad face of James Arthur returned to our screens this week, as the inexplicable popularity of Rough Copy continued and we waved a tearful goodbye to Tamera…

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TV

X Factor 2013 Week 13: Hannah, Stop Crying Your Heart Out

A decade. That’s ten years of key changes, wind machines and borderline racist comparisons. We’ve had Frankie Cocozza’s highs, the lows of Katie Waissel’s Nan, and a whole bunch of middling performances. But tonight is when we draw a line in the sand and mark the X-Factor’s tenth birthday. Apparently, we’ll be revisiting some of the show’s greatest moments, and trying to forget the fact that the nation once crowned Leon Jackson the winner.

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TV

I’m A Celebrity 2013: Joey Essex – Thicker Than A Bucket Of Hippo Cum

It’s back, Matthew Wright might actually die, David Emmanuel is the least famous person to ever appear on the show and Joey, well, poor Joey…

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TV

X Factor 2013 Week 12: Can’t Get No Satisfaction? You’re Not Alone

Nicholas remains duller than a Cash in the Attic marathon and Luke’s hair looks like a sentient being; why not announce Sam Bailey as the winner already?

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Lists

My 5 Favourite Bond Songs

These five corkers all cut the mustard and leave your spine tingling…

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TV

X Factor 2013 Week 9: Big Screen Flops On Movie Week

It was movie week, which meant big ballads, Celine Dion, and a performances so dull they could euthanise dogs.

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TV

The 6 Shittest British Sitcoms

The UK TV archives are littered with inexplicably popular, long-running shows that were about as funny as a mislabeled blood test…

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TV

X-Factor 2013, Week 8: Katy Perry’s Turning Into Tony The Transvestite Tiger

Between Katy Perry’s turn as mid-transition Tony the Transvestite Tiger and bitter, graceless James Arthur, this week’s show turned out to be more eventful than most…

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Film

Dirty Dancing And Four More Rubbish But Popular Chick Flicks

From Se and the city to Mamma Mia, these films are considered classics but, in reality, they’re pan-circling cack. Here’s why…

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TV

X-Factor 2013, Week 7: Sharon Osborne – A Gargoyle Coated In Imperial Leather

As the X-Factor trundles on in what might be the worst season yet, Lorna is the first to get the boot…

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Life

The Greatest Sandwich On Earth

We take you to Sheffield, to make you salivate over a dead pig in a bun.

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TV

X Factor 2013 Week 5: Putting The Bootcamp In

Anyone who tries to convince you that X-Factor is anything other than soap opera with musical accompaniment, should be forced to watch the last three hours on repeat until they see the error of their ways…

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Politics

ASDA’s Halloween Cock-Up: How Political Correctness Actually Went Mad

ASDA’s Halloween costume was insensitive but the torrent of single-issue faux-trage that followed was even worse…

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Film

The Castle: The Best Film You’ve Never Heard Of

Australians have been laughing at The Castle since Justin Bieber was 3 years old. Now finally released on DVD you can find out what all the fuss was about.

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TV

X Factor Week 4: Pensioners, Pairs And Pitiful Performances

We’ve got uncomfortable kissing, babbling idiots, and a group of burly shouters. Just another week on the nation’s favourite talent show…

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TV

My First TV Crush: The Floppy-Haired Fame Lion, Carlo Imperato

Our first crush is always a cherished thing: something to hold in our hearts forever. And who better than the honey-voiced Carlo Imperato aka Fame’s Danny Amatullo? He could sing, dance and had heavenly hair – who could want more?

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Film

Five Popular Movies I Can’t Stand

These films have won the plaudits of many a fan around the world, but I just can’t understand the cult following behind these overrated piles of tripe.

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Film

5 Films That Will Have You Weeping Like A Baby

It doesn’t matter how stone-hearted or cynical you have become in your old age, these 5 tear-jerkers will have you sobbing like an infant.

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TV

X Factor 2013: Mrs O Returns With A Face Like A Calippo

The first episode of X Factor 2013 saw prison guards, prettyboys and permed eyelashes, but it was the frozen features and scripted outbursts of Mrs O that stole the show.

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People

Twerking Miley Cyrus And Other Notable Celebrity Spawn

Miley has been booted from al angles for her cock-grabbing, ass-shaking, giant-foam hand frotting show at the VMAs, but how does she stack up against these celebrity daughters?

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Life

Club 18-Life: The Venezuelan Prison That Is Run Like A Holiday Camp

On the outside, guards circle the perimeter, but on the inside, San Antonio prison on Margarita Island in Venezuela is all fun, sun and sex…

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Sex

Simon Cowell: 8 Ways To Impress Mr Nasty In Bed

Making it your own, an emotional backstory and extending your performance. A guide to winning the seX factor.

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TV

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: All The Glamour Of A Matalan Fire Sale

Now that’s what I call Reality TV…

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Film

Sesame Street: Harmless Kids’ Show Or Filthy Liberal Propaganda?

According to Republicans the kids favourite is a Marxist mouthpiece. Sounds mental, but dig a little deeper and they might have a point…

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Books

Stephen King’s Under The Dome: The Channel 5 Horror Show That’s Worth Watching

How well can Stephen King’s brilliant Under The Dome be adapted to the small screen? Last night I watched the first instalment…

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Film

5 Underdogs Of On-Screen Villainy

They may not make the best-of bad guy countdowns alongside Gruber and Krueger, but here’s five overlooked villains of our movie screens.

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TV

The Apprentice 2013 Final: Let’s Hear It For The Girls

After eleven gruelling weeks in the boardroom, cake-making Luisa meets botox queen Leah in the final.

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TV

The Apprentice 2013 Week 8: The Return Of The Ad Task

The team take a plunge into the heady world of online dating this week, with varying success.

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TV

The Apprentice 2013 Week 7: The Candidates Are Getting In Tents

Our wannabe high flying urbanites get down to the serious business of selling caravans and camping shit

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TV

Souking Up To The Boss – The Apprentice Week 5

Make way for horseshit, Dubai and accidental Spinal Tap references…

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TV

The Apprentice 2013 Week 4: Shake, Prattle and Fail

How hard can buying food and selling it to the public be? Very hard…

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Hardware

A Tribute To Mad Magazine

One fan’s overdue love letter to the only comic to school its readers in Yiddish slang, document social change and lampoon everyone you’ve ever heard of.

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Music

Eurovision 2013: Making Wars Seem Brisk By Comparison

Amongst the Ronseal legs, alien sex, stitched together Bonnie and predictably terrible Irish a music competition eventually broke out. And out, and out, and out….

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Hardware

Calvin and Hobbes: The Greatest Comic Strip In The World

How one little boy and his tiger are stars of the funniest, most intelligent comic strip of all time. Get a load of this illustrated masterpiece….

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TV

The Voice Series 2, Episode 4: Like Stabbing Soup Spoons Into Your Eye Socket

Stealing a Britain’s Got Talent contestant and featuring a Tom Jones impersonator fails to liven up the BBC’s chair-spinning barrel-scrape.

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TV

The Voice Series 2, Episode 3: A Particularly Nasty Dog Turd On The Music Industry’s Shoe

Tom Jones recruits for his growing Welsh militia and Danny gives us one of TV’s most obnoxious moments. All in a week’s work…

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Politics

Margaret Thatcher: 28 Reasons I Won’t Mourn The Iron Lady

On Monday, the country mourned/celebrated the death of Margaret Thatcher. I certainly wasn’t part of the former – her Clause 28 was bigoted and simply heinous.

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Life

The Not So Irreplaceable Beyonce: Why Are We Obsessed With Female Role Models?

Who cares that Beyonce’s bizarre new single, “Bow Down”, has caused female fans to lose interest? Women don’t need role models anyway…

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TV

The Voice Series 2, Episode 2: Jessie J Falls In Love With Her Own Uterus

When the composer of Boom Boom Pow criticises someone else’s tone and emotion, you know you’re in for a long night…

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TV

The Voice Series 2, Episode 1: Like A Cat Presenting A Pigeon Carcass

‘Are we gonna have some fun tonight? Screamed Jessie J’ Doubtful love, very doubtful…

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TV

In The Flesh: There’s Life In The Zombie Genre Yet

BBC Three have followed up Being Human with another great science fiction horror show with In The Flesh. Finally a show that gives zombies the starring role they deserve.

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Music

Public NMEs: People Who Bash Pop Stars Do My Head In

As NME names One Direction the ‘Worst Band’ at its annual award ceremony, it’s clear that the trend for criticising pop music has gone far enough…

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Music

Pet Shop Boys: A Tribute To Their 10 Best B-Sides & Forgotten Classics

Synth-pop masters, musical innovators and capable of reinventing their own wheel time and time again. Give it up for the boys…

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TV

The Fried Chicken Shop: A Depressing Snapshot Of Britain In Recession

A Britain where everyone wolfs down £1 wings and chips is more of a sign of the horrors of recession than how we’re carrying on regardless…

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TV

Black Mirror: The White Bear – Hell Is Repetition

As Black Mirror series two really gets into its stride, I’m thankful for Charlie Brooker, a grim storyteller of dystopian allegory to save us all from ITVs teapot-porn.

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People

Azealia Banks and The “Faggot” Fiasco

Rapper and trouble-maker Azealia Banks caused controversy this weekend by trying to redefine the word “faggot” after using it as a slur against Perez Hilton on Twitter. Here’s why she could be onto something…

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TV

Black Mirror: Technology Isn’t The Villain, We Are

Charlie Brooker’s award TV series returned to our screens on Monday night and showcased how we must stop blaming technology for our failings, but rather ourselves.

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Funny

Sorry, That Password Is Not Recognised

The story of one man’s long and arduous journey to create a new password…

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TV

ITV 2′s The Big Reunion: What The Slam Dunk Da Funk Was That About?

The Big Reunion may be attempting to reform some of our most “iconic music acts”, but it’s not the music that anyone cares about…

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People

Speidi: Villains Or The Saviours Of Reality TV?

What’s really lurking beneath the perma-tanned façade of reality TV’s most famous portmanteau? Are they pure evil or performing an elaborate pastiche of American culture? Let’s look at the evidence.

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Life

The Curious Case of Michael Winner’s Sauce

Michael Winner has sadly passed away. Still, let’s hope the makers of Winner’s Sauce continue to get away with their sterling work.

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Music

RIP HMV: Every Dog Has Its Day

Today news that the music store giant has fallen into administration has music lovers across the country grieving. Here’s a tribute to the mighty HMV…

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Hardware

You Go Girl: How To Ensure Your Shit Don’t Stink

In denial about your bodily functions? Like a cringeworthy product name? You Go Girl could be for you, turning turds into perfume…

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TV

Tom Daley’s Splash: Saturday Night TV Plunges To New Depths

Less a TV show, more of an extended audition reel engineered by Tom Daley’s media agent, “Splash” is so bad it actually made me long for the heady intellectual heights of “Hole In The Wall.”

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TV

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The Cock, The Teeth, A Fat Knife & His Blubber

How do you spell nadir? Is it Razor? Or Toad? Or Even Rylan? Channel 5 have not only scraped the barrel, but have sent the show out to sea in it…

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TV

X Factor: LeAnn Slips Britney Flips And Then Strips

So the X Factor USA final gave us all an eye full of Britney’s flesh, whooping audience members and tears all around as glitter fell from the heavens…

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Music

PSY Apologises Gangnam Style, Can America Afford To Accept?

The horse-riding mentalist has apologised for essentially wishing America dead, but if they accept they will look stupid on two counts…

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Life

The Media Should Be Brought To Account For
Its Part In The Kate Phone-In Scandal

Worldwide scandal followed the death of Jacintha Saldanha, and the Press’s ire was directed at the two Australian DJs. If they are looking for culpability, they should take a look in the mirror…

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TV

X-Factor 2012 Final: James and Jahmene’s Fight to The Death

So the X-Factor onslaught has finally come to an end. Luckily, we were treated to some last minute Rylan Style, Chris Maloney’s nan and Jahmene’s creepy grin…

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TV

X-Factor 2012: The Christopher Maloney Assassination Fails Again

We’re now at the semi-final stage. At this point, we should all be speculating about who’s going to win, but instead we’re more interested in whether or not the producers can finally get shot of Christopher Maloney–he’s the quivering albatross around this show’s neck…

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TV

X-Factor 2012: A Soaking Wet Rihanna, A Grumpy Tulisa & A Creepy Christopher

It had to happen eventually. After missing countless opportunities to get this floundering show back on track, the right decision was finally made and Rylan has gone. Is it too little too late?

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TV

X-Factor 2012: Rylan Is The Orange Stain That Even A Varnish Powerstick Couldn’t Shift

Last night saw Rylan annoyingly boast “week eight, still here.” Now even Cowell’s getting annoyed with the ultra-gelled monstrosity…

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TV

I’m A Celebrity: Hugo Just Go-Go

The camp is bitching about Hugo’s arrogance. Eric is not a fan, largely because he thinks Hugo was “born with a golden spoon up his arse” and has never heard of piles. Odd, because you’d assume that those two things would go hand-in-hand…

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TV

X Factor 2012: Tulisa’s Rage As Ella Leaves The Stage

Ella & James in the bottom 2 and social networks raging “It’s a fix!”. No, you just didn’t vote guys…

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TV

Camel Toe, Asparagus And Cheese Boards: I’m A Celebrity Is Back

This year’s I’m A Celebrity is off to a whimpering start. Here’s why this year’s bunch of Z-listers is one the sorriest we’ve seen…

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Lists

Movember: History’s 11 Finest Moustaches

If you’re still undecided at whether you should grow a mo for Movember, these lip ticklers will have you reaching for the moustache comb in no time…

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Film

Horror Anthologies: Like Now 72 With Tits and Razorblades

Programs like Tales From The Crypt condense horror films into short vignettes for TV, and they are the first horror exposure for most true fans of the genre…

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Books

The Master Of British Horror: James Herbert Interviewed

He’s the main man for spine chillers and has got a new book out. Check out my exclusive interview with the Grand Master Of Horror…

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TV

X-Factor 2012: Nightmares Are Made Of These

Fag ash breath, wino judges and enough Halloween scariness to shake a stick at (and we’re not just talking about Rylan’s hair)…

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TV

X-Factor 2012 Results Show: Mass Confusion, Waxy Balls & Tulisa’s Cheeseboard

The X-Factor results show is something of a phenomenon, and yet it’s almost completely devoid of anything remotely enjoyable – untertainment, if you will.

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TV

X-Factor 2012: Ella Is The Clear Winner, Can We Stop Watching Now?

Apparently, last night’s theme is Club Classics. Not that you’d guess, since all anyone can talk about is what a terrible week they’ve all had. Drunken evictions, swollen chords and tabloid exposes….

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TV

X-Factor Results Show: Judges Lurid Diary Secrets Leaked

This week, in an attempt to downplay the public outcry about last week’s results show, Louis Walsh opened up his ‘personal’ diary to the Daily Mail. Now, we present exclusive extracts from the diaries of the entire X-Factor team.

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TV

X-Factor 2012: “Dancing Fasion Pandas, Who Doesn’t Love That??”

It’s love and heartbreak night on X – Factor. Yet in a world of chimney sweep Kye and Gareth Gates replicas I can’t help but ask – where is the love?

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TV

X-Factor 2012 Results: Conspiracy! Who Was The Mystery Man Talking To Louis?

Amidst cries of conspiracy, viewers threaten to abandon the show, claiming all “credibility” has gone from the show. We’re surprised it’s taken so long…

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TV

X-Factor 2012 Live Show: Dermot Does Gangnam Style, Rylan Dresses Up As A Wispa Gold

Last night saw the mammoth, two-and-a-half hours, return of the X-Factor live show. As ever, there were horrible outfits, ridiculous dance routines & suspect singing….

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Books

The Secret Diary And Growing Pains Of Adrian Mole: The Enduring Appeal Of A Very Modern Hero

After a long wait, the TV series starring Adrian Mole are coming out on DVD! Here’s why you too should be ‘over the moon with joy and rapture’.

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Music

Jeff Wayne’s ‘War Of The Worlds’ is Back. Here’s Why We Love The Original

On November 26th, Jeff Wayne will release a rebooted version of his seminal album starring Liam Neeson, Gary Barlow and bizarrely Kaiser Chiefs’ Ricky Wilson playing David Essex’s artillery man. Here’s why we are still listening to the original.

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TV

Hotel GB: Plenty Of Reservations….

Channel 4′s newest show premiered last night and despite boasting a plethora of their most recognised presenters, it turned out to be a load of old tosh.

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TV

X-Factor 2012: Simon Cowell’s “Effing Sob Stories” Memo To Judges Leaked

Just before the live shows start for X-Factor series 9, a leaked memo of Simon Cowell effing and blinding about X-Factor has emerged…

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TV

X-Factor 2012: A Judge’s House Is Not A Home

It’s time to visit the Judge’s houses. Only this year it isn’t, as instead we have Tulisa, Gary, Louis and Nicole posing preposterously in 5 star resorts or stately homes…

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TV

X-Factor Bootcamp: Mr Nasty Returns For Another Painfully Predictable Episode

You could have guessed exactly who was going through to the Judge’s houses stage without even turning on your TV last night. Just in case you missed it, here’s the run down of Simon Cowell and his hilarious sun glasses…

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TV

X-Factor 2012 Bootcamp: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Move Like Jagger

X Factor moved to the bootcamp stage in last night’s episode; treating us to a three hour special of “screaming, crying and preposterous eyebrow sculpting”…

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People

The Apple ios6: A Tribute To The Greatest Hippie Ever

On the day of the release of iOS6, have a look at this brilliant piece written at the time of the great man’s death…

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TV

Dallas Is Back…And It Still Takes Itself Too Seriously

“With all the fun of a high school reunion with people you’re in no rush to meet up with”, JR & co returned to our screens last night; was it any good?

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TV

Unfunny And Uncomfortable: The Last Leg Reviewed

Channel 4′s new late-night Paralympic show is an attempt by the broadcaster to promote acceptance of disability, but is the nature of it’s delivery having the opposite affect the producers envisaged?

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Music

X Factor Review: Let’s Hear It For The Chippendales

This week’s show was still packed full of crazy but again was a little light on the music. Gareth Dimelow reviews the next set of auditions as the boys take centre stage…

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TV

X-Factor Auditions 2012: Worzel Gummidge & Cupid Stunts

Viewing numbers have dropped, and it’s not hard to see why. Gareth Dimelow explores the same old patterns that were repeated on the X-Factor…

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TV

X-Factor 2012 Auditions: Introducing The Titanium Cyborg

From Louis celebrating his record breaking ninth year to Mel B crushing dreams, not much has changed. Except, that is, for a cyborg killer replacing Kelly Rowland…

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Life

Should Child Killers Face The Death Penalty?

In the aftermath of the murder of Tia Sharp Facebook has been burning with bloodthirsty calls for the death penalty to be reinstated. Should we really execute child killers?

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TV

Unlucky Thirteen: Meet The Contestants Of Celebrity Big Brother 2012

It never really went away, but Celebrity Big Brother is back. Just in case you care, here’s a run down of the latest bunch of try hard ‘celebs’ to enter the house.

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Film

RIP Carlo Rambaldi: Farewell To ET’s Puppet Master

Carlo Rambaldi was the go-to-guy for gory monsters and fantastic creatures, working with everyone from Dario Argento to David Lynch, and most significantly creating Steven Spielberg’s E.T. Here’s my tribute to the late puppet master.

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Life

Why America Needs To Change How Its Citizens React To Gun Atrocities

Guns don’t kill people my arse… The states can release as many videos on self-preservation as they want, the Aurora massacre and its ilk will continue until they quash the NRA and its bullshit Second Amendment trumpeting…

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Film

Simon Pegg’s Cosplay Twitterstorm: The Farce Is Strong

Film star Simon Pegg was on the end of a Twitter backlash recently after his drooling towards Cosplay girls at the San Diego Comic-Con. But the feminists were wrong to take the moral high ground with this one…

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Film

Why Peter Jackson Shouldn’t Give The Hobbit The Trilogy Treatment

Peter Jackson’s allusions to the possibility of The Hobbit becoming another trilogy points to a depressing trend in Hollywood to milk cash-cows for all they’re worth, paying no mind to what’s best for the story…

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Fashion & Style

Summer Fashion: Keep Your Dignity As Well As Your Cool

Just because the sun has come out doesn’t mean you need to lose the little shred of dignity you had left by wearing crocs and popping your polo shirt collar – here are 8 other ghastly items to steer clear of this summer.

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Politics

A Five Pint Philosopher With Little To Say: John Lydon On Question Time

He might be famous for being outspoken, but the ex-Sex Pistol brought very little to the table during his appearance alongside Louise Mensch…

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TV

Mad Men Series 5: As Aesthetically Bewitching As Joan’s Décolletage

In a season that proved it’s still a show at the top of its game, the main Mad Men characters all had to deal with the passing of Old Mother Time

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Life

The Internet Is To Blame For The Bus Monitor Bullying

The bus monitor bullying is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on the internet. Over $100,000 has since been donated to the victim Karen Huff Klein, but money alone will not mend this abhorrent behavior. It’s the internet that has caused this real life “trolling”…

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Hardware

The Complete History Of Friday The 13th

Despite the questionable quality, the Friday the 13th films are iconic in the horror world. This definitive history of them is one for the fanboys…

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TV

Big Brother Live Launch: The Only Episode Anyone Watches

An angry porn star, umpteen models and a posh girl on a gap year. Here’s the chance to see exactly what you won’t be missing for the remainder of the summer…

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TV

X Factor USA: Can Britney Spears Really Handle The Pressure?

It’s finally been revealed that Britney Spears will be taking Paula Abdul’s place on the X Factor judges’ panel – question is, with her fiance and father looking after her person affairs, is Britney really up to the task of mentoring the young hopefuls of America?

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TV

The Voice Gets An Embarrassing Semi

Cheryl mimed while dressed as a flower shop, Jessie J chased imaginary flies and, surprise surprise, Will.i.am talked absolute cod shit. Only one more week to go folks…

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TV

The Voice: Ratings Dropping Like Pensioners On An Ice Rink

Jessie J is going increasingly mental, Vince wants to be a gay Brian Harvey and Reggie and Holly continue to be as useful as a mouth full of gumboils…

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TV

Will.I.Am: The Man Who Makes The Voice Sing

He may be responsible for some howling songs yet Will.I.Am’s unintentional ridiculousness makes compulsive viewing on The Voice.

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Life

Obama Is Right To Be For Gay Marriage, Religion Has Nothing To Do With It

President Obama recently stamped his seal of approval on gay marriage and is right to do so, as this ceremony should have nothing to do with religion in the 21st century.

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Books

Stephen King: The Master Of Horror Terrorises The Right Wing

The horror maestro’s political satire “Under The Dome” ends with a sharp diatribe aimed at tax-dodging millionaires. Then again, we shouldn’t be surprised at King’s liberal leanings.

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TV

The Voice Is More Like An Echo

It was meant to be different, but has ended up as a collage of BGT, X Factor and American Idol…

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TV

The Apprentice Has Jumped The Shark

Boring tasks, a tired concept and idiotic contestants have summed up The Apprentice in recent years, having become a shadow of the show it once was.

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TV

The Voice Battle Rounds Part Two: Like Stephen Merchant Harmonising With Chucky

After three hours of off-tune warbling, we have our final 20. Unsurprisingly, they all seem to be the younger and more marketable artists, irrespective of voice…

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TV

The Voice Battle Rounds: Over-Singing & Jedi Knights

Still trouncing Simon Cowell in the ratings war, The Voice introduces it’s battle rounds where two singers from each mentors group go head to head in an attempt to outshine the other.

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TV

Game Change: The Docudrama That Might Make You Feel Slightly Sorry For Sarah Palin

With a powerhouse cast and a comedy director, somehow the story of the US 2008 presidential election campaign has an effervescent energy

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TV

The Apprentice Week Four Reviewed: Who Doesn’t Love A Funky Bin?

The teams went all hipster this week, trawling through London’s junk shops to try and find the best crap to fill up their Brick Lane pop-up stores. Its a long way from Savile Row…

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TV

Britain’s Got Talent: Simon Cowell Is So Frozen With Botox It’s Impossible To Read His Sarcasm

What was once a family freakshow has now descended into a series of grimly familiar clichés…

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TV

Apprentice Week Three Reviewed: The Secret’s In The Sauce

Lord Sugar mixes up the teams and sends them away to conquer the condiment market. Cue a terrible pun about how somebody won’t cut the mustard…

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TV

The Voice Week Two Reviewed: Shows Up BGT As A Mean-Spirited Freakshow

Denise from Five Star appeared with a weird spelling of her name possibly inspired by Jade Goody’s Mum and a Glasgow granny belted it out. The Voice is winning…

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Music

Happy Birthday Lady Gaga: Here’s Why You Should Be Thanking Dolly Parton Not Madonna

You may be tired of hearing people accuse Lady Gaga of ripping off Madonna, but actually it’s Dolly Parton who deserves the real credit.

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TV

Julian Fellowes’ Titanic: Bad Accents And Nazi Sharks

James Cameron’s titanic might not be everyone’s cup of rosie, but considering $270m was spent on it, it surely can’t be bettered by ITV right?

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Film

The Hunger Games And The Three Films That Influenced It

The Hunger Games is coming, and with it a story of a kill-or-be-killed TV show. Here’s a look at why films have depicted such grim realities for years, and those that can claim to have been forerunners for the upcoming trilogy

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Life

Donald Trump Jr’s Hunting Trip: An Unsightly Stain On Humanity’s Gusset

The pictures of Donald Trump’s sons slaying beautiful and endangered animals were hideous. Trump Jr might say he has no shame, but if I was him I’d be more concerned about the gaping hole where is soul should be…

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TV

White Heat: A Whistlestop Tour Of Social History Disguised As A Drama

It’s been billed as the new This Life meets Our Friends in the North, but if the rest of the series continues in this vein then it will be difficult for the characters to develop…

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Music

I’ve Got The Humperdinck Over Engelbert And The Eurovison

Engelbert Humperdinck. Just the name begs to be mocked. It might be funny to you but it’s one in the eye for people who actually give a shit about the competition…

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Sex

Sun, Sea, Sex and Shoot Me In The Head

Another hour of gormless adolescents vomiting into a goldfish bowl full of Blue Curacao and WKD thanks to the BBC…

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People

Rick Santorum Is Rombo

All of the Republican candidates are mentally unstable, this has been established over several weeks of seriously bizarre behaviour, wacky policy-making and generally offensive ideas. With this in mind Rick Santorum has stepped up his campaign with a truly batshit mental advertisement.. Meet Rombo.

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TV

Why The US Version of The Office Is The Boss

Though many see the series by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant as the undisputed original and best, The US Office is in now in its eight season and is arguably better than it’s UK counterpart.

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Music

RIP Whitney Houston: In Your Prime, There Was Nobody Like You

The last decade of her life was played out to a backdrop of scandal and stories of substance abuse, but alongside Madonna, she transformed popular music in the 20h Century…

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Life

Are Liberals Really Brighter Or Do Republicans Play Dumb On Purpose?

New research has suggested that liberals are more intelligent than conservatives, but Bush, Romney and co are far more wily than they appear…

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TV

LA Law: Twenty Years Ahead Of It’s Time

In advance of the first DVD release of the classic 80s series, we remember just how good it really was…

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TV

American Idol 2012, Week Two: If All Else Fails, Be Totally Deluded

Steven Tyler makes more inane comments, JLo seems to be watching a different show entirely and one chap puts himself in the same bracket as Obama and Lady Gaga…

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TV

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Going Weak At Denise

Flashing her bits, ranting, flirting with an STD riddled warbler and fighting with a Hollywood hardman. Give it up for Denise Welch…

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Music

American Idol 2012, Week One: Hot, Humid and Happening, Just Like Your Daughter

Another series of soul screeching and broken dreams kicked off as American Idol restarted this week, J-Lo couldn’t help but mime to a Whitney song, while Steven Tyler made hugely inappropriate remarks about a 15-year-old…

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Food and Drink

Masterchef 2012, Day One: Counting Chickens Before They’ve Been Spatchcocked

So, Masterchef is back. Two of TV’s most cumbersome idiots return to our screens, and we sign up to be patronised as they eulogise over Parsnip foam…

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TV

Dancing On Ice 2012: Bring On The Flesh Wounds

With Strictly and X-Factor under wraps for another few months, it’s time for the reserve reality shows to kick into gear. Get you skates on…

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TV

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum

Celebrity Big Brother is back with all guns blazing, following on from last years Channel 5 debut it’s more of of what we’ve come to expect: a bus load of minor celebrities desperate to milk their time in the limelight…oh and pick up a hefty pay cheque.

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People

Rick Santorum And The Consequences Of Verbal Diarrhea

After Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum voiced his vile opinion on homosexuality, activist Dan Savage set about showing him the power of negative associations by creating the website ‘Spreading Santorum’ making him famous for all the wrong reasons.

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TV

The 2011 Alternative Reality Tv Awards: Young Wannabes And Old Perverts

End of year awards ceremonies are ten-a-penny, but the brainless, the vain and the outright ridiculous are often overlooked. So here it is, an alternative awards for those reality TV ‘stars’…

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TV

X Factor USA Final: Braggadocio And Budget Cuts

With the UK version of the X Factor over for another year, it was time to turn to the American finale for four more hours of the shocking presenting that’s left Steve Jones wondering where his next pay cheque is coming from…

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Film

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: The Best Festive Film Ever

10 reasons why National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation will have you crying with laughter and wishing it could be Chritmas everyday.

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TV

X Factor 2011 Final Results: Pass The Neat Alcohol

After what seemed like five years, Little Mix became the latest queens of the damned to be thrust into the world of SyCo. All Louis could do was bang on about his hard drive…

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TV

X Factor USA Dance Week: Big Girls Don’t Cry, But Little Ones Do

With the final in sight, X Factor USA’s dance week brought an articulated lorry packed full of drama, tears and poor presenting – all simply for your viewing pleasure.

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TV

X Factor 2011, Week 16 Results: Tulisa And Louis Should Hang Their Heads

Misha B falls off the Syco conveyor belt, Dermot runs out of batteries, Bieber underwhelms and Kelly’s underwear steals the show.

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TV

X Factor USA Michael Jackson Special: Backflips And Bad Vocals

Wacko Jacko’s kids were in the audience, but that didn’t stop a few of the contestants murdering a few of his classics…

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TV

Desperate Scousewives: As Domesticated As A Pack Of Feral Dogs

The barrel has not only been scraped, it’s been turned upside down and smashed into tiny little pieces. Which is what will happen to the cast judging by the reaction of Liverpudlians on Twitter last night…

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TV

X Factor USA Thanksgiving Special: Nicole Sees The Light

Under the stewardship of Simon Cowell, and lacking the bizarre pantomime cast of it’s British counterpart, X Factor USA was flying high. So how did it all go so wrong with their Thanksgiving installment?

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Film

Total Recall and The Greatest DVD Commentaries of All Time

Forget gag reels and studio promo footage, where else can you hear directors bitch about actors or Arnie discuss the nuances of his acting for 90 minutes straight?

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TV

The Devil’s Dinner Party: Agatha Christie With Breadsticks

Sky have whipped up a TV show recipe in an attempt to poach some CDWM viewers. Here’s why too many cooks are spoiling the reality show broth…

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Film

Jurassic Park: Steven Spielberg’s B-Movie Bravado

Steven Spielberg’s seminal early 90s blockbuster is released on Blu-ray this week. Here’s why it’s so enduring.

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TV

X Factor 2011, Week 11: Chills, Thrills And Body Paint

Frankie murdered The Clash, Tulisa appeared to have come as a mouse and Louis started talking like a homegirl. It can only be the X Factor Halloween special…

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Film

Playboy’s Lindsay Lohan: Screw Up Or Pin Up?

Once Playboy used to pay the world’s most beautiful women to undress now they seem to be chasing the most desperate.

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TV

X Factor 2011, Week 10: Mock Rock And A Whole Load Of Bickering

In a desperate attempt to claw back ratings from Brucey and co, this weeks theme was switched from ‘personal heroes’ to ‘rock week’ in the hope that it would liven things up a little…

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Life

Harold Camping’s Rapture And How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

Today is ‘Rapture’ day again according to US Christian cult leader Harold Camping which means the end of the world for you and me – so here’s how to prepare for the end of the world.

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TV

Katie Price’s Search For A Supermodel: We Have Reached A New Low

Human floatation device Katie Price has a bunch of vapid sorts clamouring to be her protege – with depressing results.

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TV

Premature Ejection: The Playboy Club and 7 Great TV Shows Cancelled Too Soon

NBC’s have binned their Mad Men style series The Playboy Club after just three episodes. A sorry demise for a show that deserved much longer – just like this lot…

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Film

The Only Way Is Essex, Week 5: Tenderising The Meat

Kirk and Joey’s bromance reaches fever pitch, the girls hold a meeting nearly as important as the League of Nations and Mark gurns like a chimp trying to read an Ordanace Survey map…

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Film

X Factor 2011, Week 8: Drag Queens And Down Ass Bitches

The longest X Factor show in history proved that Louis is insane, Gary full of tweedy impertinence, Kelly stuck in the body of a sex doll and Kitty cries after sex…

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Hardware

Sonos: The Gadget I Can’t Live Without

After sure, but steady progress Sonos’ wireless music system is now in 1 million homes worldwide, is it the gadget that you just can’t do without?

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Film

The X Factor: The Battle To Be The Next Steve Brookstein (Exactly, Who?)

The X Factor is in full-swing again, and like years before the contestants are getting all excited about the prospect of winning the whole thing. Take one look at Steve Brookstein though, and that prospect doesn’t look so exciting any more…

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Film

Big Brother: My Day Behind The Scenes

Ever wished you could poke around the Big Brother house and find out how the programme really works? Me too, so I was delighted when I was invited to check it out for myself.

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Music

Can Cher Lloyd’s New Single Be As Bad As The Abominable Swagger Jagger?

Love her or her loathe her, the Cher Lloyd bandwagon continues to roll on, to the point where she was trending worldwide this morning on Twitter. But can new single With UR Love hit the lows of Swagger Jagger?

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Fashion & Style

When Charity Shop Chic Isn’t Chic

Kids are cruel at the best of times. So what the hell was American Republican senator Bruce Caswell thinking, when he suggested that foster children should be forced to dress exclusively in second-hand clothes.

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Film

Dragons Den 2011, Week 7: Like Taking Snot From A Baby

In a week where the perpetual feedback reaches fever pitch, Hilary tells us she’s been in and out of pubs all her life and a double-ended dog toy gets Deborah all excited…

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Film

The Hypocrisy Of Star Wars On Blu-Ray

Three days until Star Wars is releases on Blu-Ray and, like the husband of Jocelyne Wildstein, Lucas has made yet more unnecessary and hideous changes…

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Film

Final Destination 5: Rigor Mortis Has Set In

Final Destination first made us jump out of our skins a decade ago. But now four films later the only surprise to be had is when the directors go off piste and you struggle to fill in your cliche bingo card…

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Film

The Gadget That Blanks Out The Z-Listers

The rise of the Z-lister is one of the worst happenings of modern society, so imagine never having to hear Alex Reid or Chantelle Houghton on TV ever again. One gadget genius has made this dream a reality …

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Film

Why ‘Tremors’ Is A Cult Classic

The story of giant underground sandworms menacing a small town may have inexplicably dropped off the box office radar, but here’s why Tremors is a cult gem.

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Film

The Return Of The X-Factor And The Instant Popularity App

Gary Barlow and his dull judging line-up will be all over our TV schedules for months, can the new Fan Mail app boost our popularity enough to give us the X-Factor?

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Life

The Dawn Of The Looter Zombie

In 1978 George A. Romero released Dawn of the Dead. Nearly thirty-five years later his vision became a reality.

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Life

Forget Water Cannons, Americans Are Using Breast Milk To Stop Riots

Whilst Cameron espouses rubber bullets there are better ways to quell a riot…load up the water cannons with norky goodness. At least the lactose intolerant would soon scamper off home.

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Life

Is There Really Any Need For A Straight Pride Festival?

Straight Pride could be coming to Brazil. Fancy singing “We’re here, we’re not queer, and the wife’s going shopping while we stand outside Curry’s and watch the football scores?”

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Life

Aspiring To Be Coleen Rooney Is Making Young Women Thick

According to Dr Linda Papadopoulos, celebrity culture is stifling young women and making them all aspire to be WAGS like Coleen Rooney. But is it all a bit rich coming from a reality TV psychologist?

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Travel

Ryanair, Michael O’Leary And The Cost Of A Heart Attack

It was recently revealed that Ryanair staff charged a man who had gone into cardiac arrest for a drink. But it’s the travel industry that is suffering the real heart trouble…

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Books

Harry Potter 7 A Kids Film? More Like A Dark, Bloody, Masterful Finale

Massacres, pools of blood, black magic and the hideous Voldermort. Harry Potter might have been written for children, but the last chapter is much more than a kids film…

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Life

News In Brief: Jeremy Kyle, Bad Apples And Lollies For Drunks

The monster of morning TV is set to go primetime, China have been faking Apple products and Canadians have decided that lollipops will slake a drunk’s thirst…

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Film

Dallas 2.0: Well Oil Be Damned

The flashy and trashy shoulder pad fest of 80s classic Dallas, may seem like a distant and cringeworthy memory, but apparently in these recession ridden times, an escapist revival may be in order.

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Film

Sugar Daddies: Reality TV’s New Low

We’ve had the light titillation ‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl’, but a new show in the pipeline, fronted by the call girl that blew the whistle on Wayne Rooney, promises to uncover the real word of escorts and sugar daddies.

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Life

Murdoch, Brooks And The Inhumane End Of The News Of The World

It’s official, the NOTW is no more. But Murdoch wasn’t always the bad guy and does this mean Katie Price is actually an innocent victim of all this?

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Life

News in Brief: Wimbledon Grunting, Saucy Nurses and Diet Pop

In a storming week of big news, we picked the best stories, including why diet drinks are killing us, dressing down the NHS and the grunting ladies of Wimbledon.

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Hardware

The Transformers’ Chevrolet Camaro: A Fanboy’s Wet Dream

Transformers 3 is bound to be as much fun as laser eye surgery performed by Edward Scissorhands, but for £30k you could have a lot of fun pretending to be Bumblebee in this special edition Camaro…

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Film

Keeping Up With The Kardashians: TV’s Face Of Evil

You may have no idea what the omnipotent Kardashian Klan actually do for a living, but you will watch them belch and whinge their way into reality TV fame.

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Film

Mersey Shore And The End Of Civilisation As We Know It

With plans for a Scouse spin off of Jersey Shore in the pipeline, is this slurry of regional real life soaps turning our brains to mush?

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Food and Drink

Gourmet Shit Burgers: Coming To A Restaurant Near You

In an attempt to combat the many coronary inducing fast food burgers, Japanese scientist Mitsuyuki Ikeda has been investigating alternative sources of protein, and come up with a less than palatable solution…poo.

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Film

The Apprentice 2011, Week Eight: A Truly English Farce

Seeing as they have the inability to sell things in England, going to France was always going to be a bad idea. But not as bad as a teapot light…

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Books

Once Upon a F**king Time: The Alternative Children’s Book

Adam Mansbach’s book of poetry, Go The F**k To Sleep, attempts to capture the indescribable magic of a child that just won’t go down for the night through such tried and tested methods as swearing. A lot.

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Life

Terry Pratchett and Why Euthanasia Is One Of The Last Taboos

Charities and religious groups have denounced the BBC for screening Terry Pratchett’s documentary ‘Choosing To Die’. One journalist even called it a ‘snuff’ movie – but it’s not exactly Human Centipede 2 is it?

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Life

Meet Foreskin Man: A Superhero That Cares About Your Skin

A new breed of vigilante Superhero who saves you by the skin of your teeth… By your teeth I mean penis.

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Life

With American News Like This Who Needs The Onion?

When equine flu threatens a junior gymkhana in heartland America, they don’t they call it off or rearrange for another day. No, they opt for something far more mental instead.

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Film

Britain’s Got Talent Final: Is Anyone Really Surprised About The Rigging Allegations?

Britain’s Got Talent has been given the wikileaks treatment this week by a whistleblower claiming the whole show is fixed making tonight’s final a democratic sham akin to FIFA.

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Hardware

The Money Shredding Alarm Clock: Don’t Press Snooze

Place a fiver in the top before you go to sleep and, if you dare to ignore the alarm, it will shred your deep-sea diver before you’ve had chance to ‘finish that dream’.

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People

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is The Misogynator

The emergence of a love-child with his dowdy maid may have left Schwarzenegger’s career in tatters, but the real revelation is his fear of being upstaged by beautiful women.

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Hardware

The Ostrich Pillow: Revolutionising The Afternoon Nap

It might look like a giant grey foam-filled scrotum, but, in theory, the Ostich Pillow is the best thing since sliced bread…

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Life

Meet The Man Who Inflated Himself With A Nipple

There’s bad luck and then there is slipping at work and turning yourself into an inflatable doll. Apparently his skin felt like roast pork…

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Film

H8R: A Reality Show Where The Desperate Slate The Deluded

The public have gone from worshipping celebrities to baying for their blood. A brand new US TV show has gone one step further and let the “haters” say exactly how they feel straight to their most despised sleb’s face.

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Life

Reinventing The Big Mac: From Cooked By Machine To Haute Cuisine

Heston style banquets are all well and good on TV, but in reality who’s going to stretch to nouvelle cuisine when it takes a couple of seconds to knock up the heart attack inducing ‘Four Cheese McCasserole’?

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Life

Carry On Regardless: Brazilian Woman Cleared To W*** At Work

Yes, you read that right. Ana Catarian Bezerra has a medical condition that can only be cured by touching herself. What’s more, she’s allowed to watch porn at work to help her along…

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Life

Why Porn Could Save Britain’s Libraries

Porn, it has many uses. But instead of ruining your afternoon, upholstery and hotel bill, it could be set to swoop in and save our nation’s libraries from relentless public sector cutbacks. If we let it.

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TV

Why Eurovision Is Not To Be Scoffed At

We may snigger at our continental cousins and their hurdy gurdy languages, but if Eurovision is such a piece of piss, why do we always come last?

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Life

Toy Adverts That Failed To Snare Children

Flogging toys to kids should be one of the easiest jobs in the world. But what about when it goes wrong? Here’s the weirdest toys and the adverts which failed to rocket them to the top of the Christmas list.

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Film

The Name Is Brand. James Brand.

After much wrangling, the next installment of the Bond franchise has been slated for a 2012 release. Problem is, they want to raise $45 million from product placement. 00-118.com anyone?

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Film

Insidious Reviewed: A Movie Mash-up Of Horror History

Insidious; a horror-thriller featuring a haunted house, a possessed child, panicky parents and a load of god-botherers coming in to sort it all out. Ring any bells?

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Life

Sperm: Put A Smile On Her Face

New research has discovered that man-mustard could double as an anti-depressant for women.

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Life

The Royal Wedding: Tat For Tits

If the Royal Wedding is going to be remembered for one thing, it’s not the crowds, it’s not the dress and it’s definitely not the big day, it’s the country’s hideous attempts to cash in…

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Life

Big Internet Pimpin’

Now that Internet dating is no longer the preserve of socially awkward weirdos, one website has gone one step further and asked potential dates to name their price.

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Film

The Curious Case of Natalie Portman’s Stunt Bum

With the doubt over Natalie Portman’s dancing ability in Black Swan, recent allegations of an arse double in new film ‘Your Highness’ puts the actress under further pressure.

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Life

Now Even Second Hand Car Ads Are Sexy

You wouldn’t it let your partners less virginal past put you off so why does it bother you that your car might have been around the block a few times too?

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Film

Jodie Marsh, The Only Way Is Essex And A DIY Vajazzle Kit

The handbag-skinned glamour model claims TOWIE is spoiling the good name of Essex, but the cast are too busy glue-gunning crystals to the legs of models to care…

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Film

We Should Send M. Night Shyamalan Back To Film School

Ever since the moderately surprising climax to The Sixth Sense, M. Night Shyamalan has slowly become a walking cliche of himself. But here’s a real plot-twist, some intrepid film goers are saving up to send him back to film school.

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Film

After an 11 year hiatus, Ghostface is back: Scream 4

Scream 4 opens in just over a week’s time. So to help you get up-to-speed, here’s the lowdown on how to survive a painfully ironic postmodern horror movie…

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Music

Move Over Germaine Greer. Here’s ‘This Pussy Be Yankin’ By Lady

In light of fatal bottom implants, there’ve been many arguments about post-feminism and gender identity. But they fly out of the window when you hear rising rapper Lady say that her “pussy be yankin”.

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Film

Alias: A Show By Any Other Name

Alias, confusing and sometimes preposterously unrealistic but it was still a lot more entertaining than 24 which was purely linear in comparison.

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Hardware

Ron de Jeremy: When Porn and Booze Collide

After a brief stray into pop music and mainstream acting, the legendary swordsman come Renaissance man, Ron Jeremy has now turned his hand to the art of rum manufacturing.

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Fashion & Style

Is This a Wind-Up?

Struggling to buy a gift for the man that already has everything? How about a luxury wristwatch that actually gives you the power to control time.

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Film

Dancing On Ice: Nil By Mouth Set To Music

The Eastender nobody can remember seized victory with a passionate bolero, Holly Willoughby has now been pregnant for three years and Chloe Madeley is off to join her on This Morning…

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Life

Show Me The Money (Shot) – Facebook Gets Even Creepier

Now that Facebook has made it sociallly acceptable to stalk people within an inch of a restraining order, they’ve gone one step further and introduced ‘FalseFlesh’. A delightful bit of software that lets you see what your friends look like bollock naked.

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Life

Tsunami Reveals The Truth About Cats And Dogs

As footage from the tragedy in Japan includes a dog devoted to his injured pal, it’s worth remembering that dogs are much better than cats.

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Film

Extreme Couponing: This Must Be Reality TV’s Nadir

Reality TV has provided us with untold amounts of entertainment since it was born but none as thrilling as…extreme couponing. Please try to keep calm while even thinking of how exciting this is.

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Music

Friday by Rebecca Black: Is This The Worst Song Ever?

Imagine the guys who ‘Autotune The News’ getting Stephen Hawking to read out the Tweets of a 13 year-old girl. Now brace yourself…

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