Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?

Nine years after he fought his way out, battered and possessions destroyed, Trevor Ward returns to Syria to visit the ‘must see’ landmarks he had no idea existed.

The English and the Scots have always had a bit of a turbulent relationship but Sabotage Times discovers that what was once refered to as “friendly banter” has now boiled over into full blown racism.

I can be witty, I can be profound, I can do all sorts in 140 characters or less. But unless I bung Sporty Spice a monkey, I fear no one will listen.

So you thought Children in Need was all about the kids, yeah? Take my advice and rip the socket out of the wall after donating…

Forget Jaws, this is a real life shark tale. When you’re given the advice ‘if a shark comes too close, stab your buddy’, you know it is a case of kill or be killed.

As the recovery mission continues to recover the Welsh miners, I can’t help think about the horribly claustrophobic time I spent down a Bolivian mine with a a nervous German and several sticks of dynamite.

Which celebrities do orphans really want to be adopted by? Which A-listers sex tapes last the longest? And what do famous people really think about? The only way to find out is to consult our pie charts.

Why wait for half time for a slice of pie, when you can get your fill of Premier League goodness right here. Enjoy.

Death, destruction, stout, shagging, right-handers and pigeons sounds like the sell for Mike Tyson’s autobiography. We’d definitely buy it, but it’s no Corrie…

Airports: they’ll ban your razors and deodorants so you’re all hairy with a right funk on, but they’ll happily let you aboard the plane with all the deadly weapons you like, providing you’ve bought them from duty free.

This week, the Corrie writers celebrate 50 years of the street with a runaway tram. There’s probably a pie-chart for that somewhere…

Oh well, that’s torn it. Looks like I’ll have to dig out my furry hat and vodka boots and goggles.

You wouldn’t allow it in any other job, so why is it ok to constantly rip the piss out of refs? The ‘bastard in the black’ bites back.

Fans of Airplane, Naked Gun and good old slapstick were saddened today by the death of Leslie Nielsen. In 1995, I had lunch with the great man. It was a disaster.

A gritty crime drama that will grab you by the throat and tug at the heartstrings, with drugs, corruption and racism the order of the day. A rip-off of The Wire surely? Well you might just be surprised…

About halfway through 2010 Oscar winner The Secret In Their Eyes is a sequence of such heart-stopping bravura, it’s worth the price of admission alone.

Every wondered what the last thoughts of a suicide bomber are? Or who even started this war on terror in the first place? Never fear, the Sabotage Times pie charts are here.

The ref’s blown the whistle for the second half, you’ve had your team talk now start eating our next round of Premier League pie charts.

Suntan lotion? Got. Passport? Got. Foreign cash? Got. Phrasebook? Got. Sabotage Times guide to holidays through a series of charts and graphs? Got.

Hungry for comedy? Well then why not fill your face with our Edinburgh Festival pie charts.

It’s gone to extra time. Don’t let the cramp kick in, just finish off these pie charts before it goes to penalties.

‘Please be a six, please be a six, please be a si…oh crap, now I’ve got to ask Alan Davies for mortgage advice.’

Everything you need to know on the Tour De France: fastest riders, length of tours, most spectacular deaths and champagne vs amphetamines. God bless pie charts.

What was going through Raoul Moat’s head during last week’s epic standoff? And how did he feel about Gazza? Well put down the popcorn and pick up our pie charts.

After sitting through the most boring, insipid World Cup final ever should we scrap the World Cup for a decade?

What’s more irritating: the vuvuzelas, the Jubalani or Alan Hansen talking about vuvuzelas and the Jubalani? We did the maths so you don’t have to…

Oh my god did you see Steven Gerrard score against the USA on Saturday night? Of course you didn’t ITV were showing a bloody car commercial.

Big Brother 11 is set to be the most depressing yet but what’s truly sickening Trevor Ward is that the supposed high ratings it gets are actually a lie…

You may have laughed at World in Motion, wept at Three Lions and got hungry to the sound of Vindaloo, but now witness the most inspirational battle-cry the England team could ever hope for.