It kinda sucks being a literary woman. In a reality written to be against you, you gotta have some guts to stand up to your male counterparts. Even after doing so, you’re mostly consigned to being beautiful and crazy or old and bitter. Sucks. Surviving in a male world comes down to one skill: drinking. Holding your drink. Staying upright after downing your glass of whiskey is like pulling out a machete  in a fist fight. You mean business. Strewn across literature are women who would be first at the bar, bringing in the jagers before you had even left your desk. They’d stage a lock in and then beat the inevitable hangover with a couple Bloody Marys. Here are seven women who I think would be brilliant fun on a trip out to the local.

Miss Havisham - Great Expectations. 

You have to feel sorry for Miss Havisham, jilted at the alter and then consigned to a life of chastity and loneliness, her only pleasure comes from meddling and manipulating the love between Pip and Estelle. With all that obvious free time on her hands, she must have become accustomed to a tipple or two or spending loads of time down the boozer, sampling all the spirits the fine establishment has to offer.  Just make sure she doesn’t get in between you and any potential lucky ladies.

Holly Golightly- Breakfast At Tiffany’s

The character has become connected with sweetie pie Audrey Hepburn and the 1961 film adaption of the same name. The film takes a rather romantic route, having Holly fall for the affections of Paul and supposedly giving up her somewhat suspicious lifestyle all in the name of love. In the book, Golightly dumps the narrator in an erratic attempt to find out what is truly hers. Smooth. Holly’s job, hanging about and sponging off rich men would mean that she could be bringing in the rounds quicker than you could feebly attempt to down your pint. As long as you didn’t mind letchy men trying it on then she’d be the perfect companion if you fancied something a tad fancier than spoons.

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Julia -1984

Orwell’s depiction of 1984 isn’t exactly cheery; no sex, no naughty thoughts of any kind, just devotion to Big Brother. I guess that’s why they call it a dystopian novel…Although Julia wouldn’t be allowed to play beer pong in Orwell’s novel, I reckon that in real life she would be a great addition to a night out, even perhaps bringing in a few guys with her forwardness; she did declare her love to Winston pretty speedy, though who hasn’t after a couple G & T’s?

Lisbeth Salander- The Millenium Series 

The female lead in Stieg Larsson’s crime trilogy comes across as anything other than a lightweight. The computer hacker spends quite a lot time in the books kicking the shit out of bad guys, so we presume she’d be an angry drunk, albiet entertaining. She may not be the type to buy tequila shots and do Gangnam Style on the bar, but she’d be fantastic to have about if anything kicks off.

Tess- Tess of D’urbevilles

Tess is a representation of the transition between old and new, a subject Hardy is quite fascinated with. Tess is educated but lacks the social refinement of her peers. In terms of nights out this means she is somewhat perfect. Feminine, intelligent and a country upbringing? She’d criticise you for liking Strongbow and wouldn’t be adverse to a bit of skinny dipping/ streaking after.

Professor Mcgonagall- Harry Potter

I’d like to think that Mcgonagall is a functioning alcoholic, with all her sassy remarks and sarcasm. I imagine her down the Leaky Cauldron, challenging Hagrid to a centurion then stumbling out into the snow outside,

‘Look, I’m a cat!’

No Minerva, you’re just pissed.

The women of F. Scott Fitzgerald. 

Fitzgerald was a man of the 1920’s, an era defined by loose morals and harsh drinking laws. Ironically said laws lead to increased production and consumption of alcohol. Enter Fitzgerald’s women. Most of these characters are based on Zelda, Fitzgerald’s alcoholic, mentally distressed wife. Appropriately these women are posh, pissed and absolutely psychotic with their progression mirroring Zelda’s downfall. Who wouldn’t fancy a night out with a woman of the 20’s? She’d take you over to Gatsby’s or some lavish pool party and spend most of the night hammered, leaking gossip like a high society Julian Assange.

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