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Clothes Men Must Never Wear If They Ever Want To Get Laid
From fleeces to cycling shorts, these are the crimes against fashion which are guarenteed to have the ladies running for the hills.
A couple of months ago myself and some female friends were out dancing one night when a guy comes over and starts chatting to one of the group, everything seems to be going fine until we realise on closer inspection that he is wearing a fleece. That’s right, a fleece, in a club, in central London, there are no words which could even begin to describe our horror. Now, some women will claim they don’t care about what their partners wear and there is a name for those women, they’re called liars. Yes it’s shallow but coming from a girl who once didn’t give a guy her number because he was wearing a thumb ring it’s better to know now that you risk losing the girl of your dreams because of a ill chosen outfit. There are just some clothes that men, no matter how attractive, can not pull in. So read the following carefully before selecting from your wardrobe the few items I haven’t ripped to pieces and you’ll be on your way to long lasting happiness or at least a good shag;
Short Sleeved Shirts
Now, if you think of all the types of men that wear short sleeved shirts there is one that truly sticks in women’s minds; darts players. We don’t like you to wear short sleeved shirts because somewhere in our subconscious we worry that by doing so you will one day become a darts player ie, fat and ugly with a slight smell of stale peanuts. They look cheap and kind of like you’ve been to shop in H and M children’s section and even if you have (no VAT bargains galore, just so you know) we don’t want to know about it.
White
There is only one man I think of when I think about white clothing, that’s right, it’s Peter Stringfellow. That point alone should be enough to make you stay away, Peter Stringfellow only gets away with wearing white because he is Peter Stringfellow and any woman that sleeps with him is certainly not doing it for his fashion credentials. You are not Peter Stringfellow, so you should not wear white. Ever.
Ed Hardy
Ed Hardy is like the River Island of the mens fashion world; they take seemingly normal clothes and then vomit shit all over them. This clothing is actually so offensive to a woman’s eyes that should you approach her in one of his t-shirts you should be prepared for her to start weeping on sight and should probably come prepared with a box of Kleenex. Please note however, that the kindness of the Kleenex will not make up for the shitness of the shirt.
Firstly why the hell are they so god damn shiny? When men watch football they generally couple it with two things 1. Getting drunk and 2 Getting excited, what happens when a man gets drunk and excited in a shiny t-shirt? He gets sweaty you can see where I’m going with this sweaty, drunk, looking like you are wrapped in glorified tin foil = going home alone.
Cycling shorts
These were pretty wrong, ok very wrong, when we all had to wear them as children for gym class. So, put on a pair of these bad boys as a grown man and you can guarantee the only thing that will be getting close to your nether regions is elastane.
More…
Footwear Faux Pas
Here’s the big issue here, we all know women love shoes, and when I say love I mean we would probably sell our best friends for a pair of Louboutins. So, when we started dating a man we want him to share our passion, ok maybe share is a bit strong that would be a modern day miracle, but at the very least we want him to be wearing something half decent. This is why footwear had to be in a section of its own…
Sports shoes
Are you going for a jog? No. Are you going for a quick kick around with the boys? No. Then why are you wearing a pair of sports shoes? Sport shoes don’t go with anything, you can’t wear a sports shoe to the pub or to the cinema, so, if we see you wearing sports shoes we think we can’t take you to the pub or the cinema. Granted this mostly for the fear of ridicule from other women whose boyfriends aren’t wearing sports shoes but either way you’re dateless.
Crocs
Crocs were designed to be worn on sailing boats because the holes in the sides of them let the water flow through them, which makes us question how on earth they because so popular with people who live in the city. Unless you have a penchant for jumping in puddles, they are possibly the most heinous footwear faux pas of them all, I mean, brightly coloured rubber clogs? Seriously? I shouldn’t even have to be spelling this one out for you.
Loafers
Now there is a certain type of man that women like to call a “Spiv”, Spivs wear cheap polyester suits, hair gel despite the fact that no one has used hair gel since the 1990’s, refer to themselves as young professionals and are always wearing loafers. Sure these hideous slip ons will get the girls talking but all they will be saying is – “Remember that guy in the loafers?”, “Yeah, what an absolute Spiv”.
Of course this list is not exclusive, who could forget the Hawaiian shirt, not retro but rubbish. And accessories, well they could have had a whole article to themselves – medallions and diamond studded earrings? 50 Cent never makes the best dressed lists for a reason boys. The best advice is keep it simple, and if your male friend likes it, it’s almost certainly a no go for women, encouraging each other to wear slogan t-shirts? Now come on, it’s just cruel.
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COMMENTS
You worry about your Louboutins and we will worry about our short sleeved shirts and trainers. Crocs are also the most comfortable thing you can put on your feet and only cost like three quid.
Comfort? Price? Who cares? We're talking about taste.
absolutely cock on, crocs? i wouldnt even shit 'em.
And another thing ... herein lie many reasons why you should think twice before agreeing to go on a date with a man you've only previously met dressed in his sports kit / work uniform / school uniform / dinner suit / lounge suit / business suit / swimsuit / wetsuit / birthday suit ... you could be letting yourself in for an absolute shocker.
Dressing to impress women? Never done it :) More like dressing to impress other blokes. . I've a white polo shirt - short sleeved - does that count? Also got a pair of Oliver Sweeney loafers, oh and most of my shirts are short sleeved - long ones are for court or work. . Never heard of Ed Hardy, but that seems a good call, looks gash. . Sports shoes? Do you mean trainers? Well I'd disagree there too... http://www.sabotagetimes.com/camouflage/dont-call-me-a-collector-the-story-of-a-trainer-obsessive/
I should also add, I've seen blokes wearing those kung-fu MC Hammer balloon pants. 3/4 length with no socks and those shite school PE plimsolls. What's going on there. And blokes in Ugg boots. Those sheepskin boots sodden and soaking up all manner of liquids and dirt as women walk about in them are bad enough, but blokes wearing them? Bring back National Service. That'll learn em.
This feels like it was written by an little old lady from the 1940s: Spiv? Who says spiv?
Damn it Ben, you blew my cover, I'm 67 I knew 'spiv' would be the giveaway I really need to learn to get down with the kids a bit more convincingly. Keith, I meant things like this http://www.productwiki.com/upload/images/adidas_1_1_intelligent_running_shoe.jpg *vomits slightly at having had to find that link*.
Didn't you see Phil Taylor's two nine-dart finish today? Awesome. It is men of substance we look up to worried clothe's horses with no body hair and a fear of dressing. Darts shirts are flying off the shelves this summer. Monogrammed for that final Lakeside flourish.
What a load of judgemental, shallow and not to mention completely wrong, rubbish. Please do not assume to speak for me or for the entire gender, most of whom I am sure would not dismiss any human being based on their clothing alone. Good luck to you though - good luck in finding that perfectly attired man, let's just hope he has the personality you ordered as well or it will be a very long search. Does he even need a brain of his own by the way?
She's funny, you're not.
She's not funny, she's vacuous a tit.
"She's not funny, she's vacuous a tit." Couldn't agree more. The whole point of Carrie and the girls was that they eventually accepted the man with the bad trainers, guy working in the pizza place etc... for who he was rather then what he wore. They were the vain people with their self image at the centre, yet they settled for something significantly less then their dream man. I think it's quite funny that someone who models them self on Carrie Bradshaw, can miss the point so drastically. *slow claps*
This piece is funny. Loving the poets corner responses. It's not like you're going around throwing red paint over PStringfellow clones. Keep those feathers ruffled, baby! Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
I think we all know who will be the one with a nice well dressed man, and who will be the ones who just settle for whatever comes through the door first...
*don't answer that
other than cycling shorts, you're talking rubbish. people should wear what they feel comfortable in and not what some vain little gold digger thinks.
Elvis Jesus is worse than Ed Hardy.....what self respecting man would wear this......... http://www.elvisjesus.co.uk/shop/mens/everything/nuclear_bomb_green_fade/fade/?page=
Ill wear sports shoes and you can wear your fancy heeled shoes, and when a homicidal maniac enters the cinema or a natural disaster occurs dont come hopping around crying to me cause ill be long gone in my convenient sports shoes. hahaha
Hear Hear. Well done to the hoards of sniveling feminists rampaging across Hampstead Heath armed with a barrage of witty abuse to attack the journalist. Sadly wit hasn't equated to a journalist degree and published work...Olivia Foster - 1. Gf's of awfully dressed men desperately trying to suppress any qualms about hating their mans favourite, albeit hideous, corduroys in the form of a defiant response to this article (which by the way isn't fooling anyone) - 0.
"journalist degree and published work" anyone can start a blog on the internet, it's not really being published is it?
ha ha ha wonderful irony - Steph, Nev, and not the real CB, you have all been outwitted by a blonde 'vacuous tit'....maybe you need look up the word 'irony'?
The fact is, you're reading an article in the fashion section. Were you really expecting it to say "well you know what, clothes don't really matter do they?". Or are all you angry commenters truly launching some war on fashion as a whole? If so this seems a small and sad attempt at it.
I enjoyed this article. Within it lies the truth. Anyone who says otherwise is a stupid idiot.
Olivia, I'm wearing a white, short sleeved shirt right now... Want to make something of it? Of course, I also appreciate my wife in Louboutins and Manolos (which I buy her), so I guess it evens out.
quote. Not the real carrie Bradshaw "journalist degree and published work" anyone can start a blog on the internet, it's not really being published is it? You definitely are an idiot. Well done though for generating enough comments and banter to fuel this article and put it at what I most probably predict is the most popular and talked about piece on this site (which I'm almost 500% positive is not a blog at all but a website dedicated to post-grad journalists to sell their work). Well done, you truly are fabulous. Much like the Carrie Bradshaw character you so vehemently deny being like. Now go get off your face in Selfridges! GO! OFF YOUR FACE!! Take heed in being female and actually being able to rip an outfit of the opposite sex to shreds without being considered mean; lighten the hell up.
Am surprised speedos didn't make the list!! (especially yellow ones a la ray winstone in Sexy Beast!)
'sports shoes'? eh? Never heard of them. Now, if we're talking leisure trousers.....
Women are not that shallow. If he's good looking they can, and do, put up with the odd wacky garment. If you're no oil painting though then I can see how the right clothes would make a difference. Whatever happened to it's whats inside that counts?
this summer ,it's crocs with socks ,you heard it here first.
Sarah Jessica Parker concentrates on fabulously expensive and utter over-rated footwear because she has a face like a welted welly and needs to divert attention. What an utterly vacuous oxygen thief. Louboutins and Manolos? Pretentious pish. You really must read the Emperor's New Clothes.
All the stereotypes you write about don't actually exist. No one who reads Sabotage dresses like this – no-one. Spivs? Really? Like George Cole in the St Trinian's films? Lazy churnalism at its worst. Very, very disappointing.
The only time I would forgive anyone for crocs is if I'm being wheeled into an operating theatre. Other than that, agreed, fucking hideous. But I'm seriously not having the sneakers and short sleeve shirt nonsense. If we are going for hanging offences start and end with rugby shirts...
Scouse in N1 has said it all really. Who is this article aimed at?
Please check for any spelling and grammatical errors. Please!
It's possible to pull in anything if you target the right kind of girl, and have a wad of cash hanging out of your pocket. Obviously that type of girl would get on your tits in a relationship, but in the "every hole's a goal" frame of mind, you'd only have to tolerate it for a day or so. Yes, men can be shallow too.
How can you include loafers and short-sleeved shirts but leave out fleeces. Good call on the 'foudy' tops though.
Was this article written 5 years ago? Crocs???? Ed Hardy is like double ironic now.
Well, I have to agree with most of this article although some men can carry off short sleeve shirts and trainers. Whats missing from this list? Skinny jeans, chinos, sandals, those ridiculous cardigans, low v necks and last but not least baby pink!
Adidas trainers & Stone Island for this Scouse cool cat!
vacuous shite of the first order....What the fuck are sports shoes??
Can I just say congratulations to Jenni Davies, since she wrote "How Sex And The City Made Me An Existentially Vacuous C*nt" it's really taken off as the word de jour. Props to Jenni.
Surely you normally wear cycling shorts while cycling? I wouldn't normally wear mine while on the pull! Unless it was a cycling swingers club
This article is something of a curate's egg. Some decent truth spoiled by the generalisation of the rest of it. Ed Hardy is shite, along with All Saints, Franklyn & Marshall, Super Dry etc, etc, but loafers? Not ALL loafers, but G.H. Bass are a design classic. With the current resurgence of the Ivy League look which seems to happen every ten or so years, they would grace any wardrobe well. Football tops, darts shirts, cycling shorts and crocs? Come on! No-one wears these!
What about clothes that women can't pull in? Those fucking ridiculous fur hats with bear ears on for a start. Why do you want to look like you're a special school child on a day out to the zoo?
Quote: 'All the stereotypes you write about don't actually exist. No one who reads Sabotage dresses like this – no-one. Spivs? Really? Like George Cole in the St Trinian's films? Lazy churnalism at its worst. Very, very disappointing.' Agreed. This isn't relevant to anything or even vaguely current - Vice, among many others, did it years ago, which was with actual wit and satyrical observation - as opposed to this conservatism and preservation of age old rules and ideas. Sex and the city keeps coming up as well - because they also did it. What's new or interesting? Maybe a case of identifying with journalism but not having anything new / relevant / different to say but really wanting to say something.
It's arogant to assume that men "dress to impress women". Maybe those soft metrosexual boys you see at the club out of a good sport f___ing. Men wear clothes that are comfortable, durable, and don't limit range of motion. Clothing should help you not hinder you. Fashion is for women and insecure men. "That guy in the designer clothes is super manly!" - Said nobody ever
Tank Top
What a piece of reactionary toff. What a sad little unimaginative and uncreative life you must lead to hold views like this sacred. Completely agree with Mr.Horrible.
Christ, this article is grim and cliche-ridden. That's what happens when you read stuff like Cosmo and Mail Online, you turn into a parody.
Women pretending they understand mens fashion.... You even need men to design womenswear. Lagerfeld, Theyskens, Wang, Ghesquiere, Elbaz, Margiela, Lemaire, Jacobs... Other than that fantastic article.
Whee's this complete cock-end? Let's face it he must be a right balloon if he's never worn 'sports shoes' in a non-sporting environment.
Whilst I agree with the essential premise, where did you get the impression that you're the woman of someone's dreams? The guy with the thumb ring chatted you up because you have a pulse and a vagina, I'm sure someone screwed him eventually.
Short sleeve shirts... nice button down Ben Sherman is a lovely bit of kit
