Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?

The Best 'Bad Films' Ever

by Adam Clery
12 August 2013 31 Comments

Have you ever seen a film that was just so bad, it just made criticism completely redundant? Ever sat in the cinema and witnessed something so glaringly awful, it was secretly enjoyable? Look no further chums, for here are five are the worst, and by extension the best, films ever to grace the silver screen.

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Have you ever seen a film that was just so bad, it just made criticism completely redundant? Ever sat in the cinema and witnessed something so glaringly awful, it was secretly enjoyable? Look no further chums, for here are five are the worst, and by extension the best, films ever to grace the silver screen.

Birdemic

Today I bought an egg and cress sandwich, which not only cost more than this films special effects budget, but contained twice the acting ability. You’ll have seen school plays and porn stars more worthy of an oscar nod than the cast of “Visionary Writer/Director” James Nguyen’s debut offering. When a swarm of killer birds, represented by breathtaking special effects, attacks a small town, two young lovers are caught in the cross fire. Young lover number 1 is Rod, who sells some kind of software for a living, he whoops and woo-hoos for about 80% of his dialogue and essentially instills as much emotion and confidence in you as condom filled with ham. Young lover number 2 is Natalie and she’s a model, or something, it’s not made totally clear. Her role in the film is what’s referred to in the business as ‘not-important-enough-to-talk-much-but-let’s-definitely-sneak-an-underwear-scene-in-somewhere’ There’s a really deep message in all this about conservation or something but it’s hard to remember anything other than the scene where a few unsuspecting victims are forced to fight their way out of hotel using only their wits and a few coat hangers.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

 

Quite possibly the ultimate ‘Ronseal’ film, in that it does exactly as the title suggests. The shark is mega, the octopus is giant, you couldn’t possibly ask for more. Which is handy because you certainly wouldn’t get it. The two behemoths are found frozen in ice in the arctic only for the sheer smoking good looks of lead star Deborah Gibson to thaw them out. Needless to say, havoc ensues, and it’s up to our intrepid team of scientists, shady military types and a bizarre conservationist/submarine captain to find a way to stop them. What’s their plan you ask? Well at the risk of giving too much away, the clue is in the “vs” part of the title. Which was a genius idea that’s only arrived at after two of the cast get their proverbial freaks on in a store room. Worth watching just to see a shark take out an aeroplane in mid-flight or most of the cast fail to stretch the paper-thin plot over its 90 minutes. Both of which are painful and brilliant in equal measure. Look out for the forthcoming sequel Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, no really.

 

In this age of huge budget movie adaptations taking parts of your childhood to silly, silly places *coughTRANSFORMERScough* it’s worth remembering why sticking religiously to the spirit of the subject matter isn’t always such a good idea. Street Fighter, the video game, was a two-dimensional beat-em-up filled with cheesy lines and basic animations, so I suppose we should applaud the film makers for managing to have those characteristics in spades. Featuring an all star cast of Van Damme, Damian Chapa, Kylie Mingoue (seriously) and Grand L. Bush (seriously seriously) the film tirelessly pisses into the wind trying to give a plausable reason for why any of what you’re witnessing is actually happening. Having seen the film twice now know that it has something to do with drug-smuggling, arms-struggling and god-smuggling. Gun to my head though, I wouldn’t say you’d find the VHS tucked away in Blockbusters ‘smuggling’ section. Do they do a Puns, Guns and Buns section? Check there.

 

Plan 9 From Outer Space

 

It’s hard to express just how genius/awful this film is without getting into the background of it’s director Edward Wood. In truth, he’s probably a lot more interesting than any of his films, which after starting out as low-budget sci-fi surrealism, descended into even lower budget soft-core porn. But back when he was a young, idealistic film-maker he cobbled together the shrapnel from down his sofa and set out to make ‘Plan 9′, a story of alien invasions, a doomsday weapon and the dead walking the earth, only not in that order. Johnny Depp did a brilliant film about him so go and watch that first for a better explanation. In fact, the plot of said film revolves around the production of Plan 9 so I guess there’s not much I can say on that either. I don’t know why I bother really. Oh wait, if you take the letter D out of his name you get Ewar Woo! See, that’s hilarious, I feel useful again.

 

The Room

 

I’ll be blunt with you – this films only appeal, it’s only redeeming feature, it’s only possible excuse to ever be viewed by anybody, is how excruciatingly cringeworthy it is from start to finish. It is so badly put together, so badly written, shot, directed and acted that every orifice on your body physically attempts to close up to stop it getting in. It is, without exaggeration, the cinematic equivalent of being eaten alive, from the inside out, by a creature with no gums, over a whole month. No other film can boast such a visceral reaction with its audience and for that reason alone, it must be seen, by everyone. And what would they be witnessing you ask? Well the plot, if that’s what you’d call it, revolves around some sort of love triangle between Johnny, his ‘best-friend’ Mark and his ‘future-wife’ Lisa. The character of Claudette, in a staggering display of seamless continuity, mentions early on that she has breast cancer… nope, that’s it, mentioned once and never even touched on again. Mental.

 

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Robert 8:37 am, 29-Oct-2010

What about The Boondock Saints?

Russ 9:01 am, 29-Oct-2010

That one with Mickey Rourke and his missus, that was dreadful.

Ray 12:56 pm, 29-Oct-2010

"The man who knew too much" starring the bloke who playes Batman in the 60's tv series. Hilarious.

gazwaz 8:51 pm, 29-Oct-2010

No Killer Clowns from Outer Space?

dave 12:58 pm, 1-Nov-2010

Starcrash and Target Eagle. Starcrash has Christopher Plummer and David Hasselhoff, Target Eagle has Max Von Sydow and George Peppard. Truly awful.

Andy 12:44 pm, 4-Nov-2010

"Look out for the forthcoming sequel Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, no really." I guess we know who won then. Thanks for the spoiler :-(.

noel 12:26 am, 11-Nov-2010

slipstream, the postman, ishtar.

Jonathan 5:29 pm, 11-Nov-2010

How about that filipino Bond spoof with Weng Weng? For Y'ur Height Only.

Gordo 11:22 am, 18-Nov-2010

I can't believe that Birdemic is actually a film.... that trailer was terrible! A very funny read though!

Dave P 5:51 pm, 18-Nov-2010

Satans Little Helper... Seriously. So bad it's hilarious, we watch it every year as a ritual.

El Gordo Grillo 6:10 am, 29-Nov-2010

Once I read that the worst film ever was "Last Year in Marienbad" and agreed totally. Now I have changed my mind and I think that "Amelie" is the most revolting film....Even worse that "Cinema Paradiso"!

Nick 4:49 pm, 6-Jan-2011

No "Skinned Alive"? Disappointing....

Tim Footman 4:50 pm, 6-Jan-2011

Many of these films can plead poverty - bigger budgets might have bought more sophisticated effects, a bit of script doctoring, a couple of decent actors. The truly bad films are those that have millions spent on them, and are still a barrel of rancid dog cock soup. Top Gun. Dirty Dancing. Titanic. Avatar. I would rather sit through Plan 9 From Outer Space a hundred times than give any of these bloated monstrosities a moment's house room.

Chris 4:52 pm, 6-Jan-2011

*Cough* Showgirls!

gayle 5:38 pm, 6-Jan-2011

dog cock soup #2

Keith Wildman 6:30 pm, 6-Jan-2011

Sat through the first hour of Avatar the other day before realising nothing had happened and turning it off. Quite how rational people were conned into parting with money to see it is equally baffling and depressing.

Maggie McCool 10:54 pm, 11-Mar-2011

worst film The Killer tommatoes

Maggie McCool 10:55 pm, 11-Mar-2011

Why?

davis 1:34 pm, 28-Dec-2012

Showgirls, actually that has the redeeming feature of some nudity and laughs.

Ben Johnson 7:33 pm, 30-Dec-2012

Gotta be 'Troll 2' for me. It defies description, has no link to the film 'Troll' whatsoever and contains no trolls. Check out the documentary 'Best Worst Movie' all about the film. Highly recommended.

JC 6:07 pm, 3-Jan-2013

Frankenstein Island. Incredible. Shelia Frankenstein.

hillbilly 7:01 pm, 15-Feb-2013

Anything featuring Steven Seagull

TheaBryanna 4:01 pm, 17-Apr-2013

What about Leprechaun in the Hood?! Modern masterpiece.

JimmyC 6:09 pm, 17-Apr-2013

Peter's Friends, the excruciating high point of which is Ken B's drunk scene. Love's Kitchen is absolutely shit as well. I'd highly recommend it.

Mr T 7:31 pm, 17-Apr-2013

Rumpelstiltskin, 1996 "horror" film by the director of Leprechaun. Jaw droppingly, eye wateringly, logic defying piece of cinema....

Mr T 12:25 am, 18-Apr-2013

Logic defyingly bad piece of cinema I meant.

GraGra 11:19 am, 13-Aug-2013

Roller Blade Seven. Some guys got bankrolled on the strength of having Stallone and Estevez signed up for their movie - neglecting to tell their backers it was the lesser-known brothers of Stallone and Estevez. They then blow almost all of the money on the biggest party ever and then during the fractured hours of the morning after remember they were supposed to make a film. At this point they head down to the nearest freeway underpass, dress up in assorted fancy dress, put on roller skates and shoot about 40 minutes worth of footage. They cobble it together, repeat a few scenes to span out time and call it 'Zen filmmaking' - brilliant!

nick 2:31 pm, 13-Aug-2013

samurai cop is a beauty

Heisenberg 3:28 pm, 13-Aug-2013

Stag Night of the Dead is the biggest pile of shit ive ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6pd5BzIRkc

Dave 11:09 pm, 15-Aug-2013

Simon Sez starring Dennis Rodman. I caught this on some dodgy film channel and laughed my arse off at the acting "ability", "storyline" and FX. So bad that Rodman makes Seagal look like a Golden Globe winner. Hilarious.

Heisenberg 3:33 pm, 9-Sep-2013

Death Stalker or Ator the Fighting Eagle...

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