36. On his days as a West Ham player: "Even when they had Moore, Hurst and Peters, West Ham’s average finish was about 17th. It just shows how useless the other eight of us were."
35. On training at Portsmouth: "After shooting practise yesterday, I had to drive up the M27 and collect four balls."
34. On John Hartson: "John Hartson's got more previous than Jack the Ripper."
33. On the QPR squad: "There are a lot of players at this club who earn far too much money. Far too much for their ability and what they give to the club. I don't really want to see the owners have their pants taken down like they have in the past."
32. On not getting the England job: "I wouldn't trust the FA to show me a good manager if their lives depended on it."
31. On his 2013 court case: "Was I scared of going to prison? Yes I was. You’re relying on 12 people who might not like you. They might have been Arsenal fans for all I knew. One had a stained jacket, for goodness sake."
30. On Bobby Moore: "Bob's got it all now. The old South Bank named after him at Upton Park, statues outside the ground and at Wembley Stadium. They even use his name to sell West Ham United merchandise these days. When he was alive they didn't want to know him. I saw him get slung out of there for not having a ticket."
29. On foreign players: "With the foreign players it’s more difficult. Most of them don’t even bother with the golf, they don’t want to go racing. They don’t even drink."
28. On a little known striker he had on trial at West Ham: "Andrei Shevchenko didn't pull up any trees."
27. On animals: "I love animals so much, all animals. Apart from cats, I’m a little bit scared of cats."
26. On Paul Scholes: "Scholes was playing tiki-taka football when nobody in England knew what it was. He was another of those players, like Denis Law or Bobby Moore, who at 15 probably looked as if he wouldn't make it. Too small, you would think - can't run, dumpy little ginger nut - but then the ball would come to him and he would dazzle you. He was the best footballer in that Manchester United midfield, better than Ryan Giggs and Roy Keane."
25. On honesty in court: "You think I put my hand on the bible and told lies? That's an insult, Mr Black, that's an insult."
24. On Stan Collymore: "Collymore should have played for England (against Sweden) last week, I mean he is good at beating a Swede."
23. On the Spurs squad he inherited: "This is a football club that has been put together by I don't know who, and I don't know how. It's a mishmash of players with people playing where they want to play. It's scary."
22. On West Ham's chances of qualifying for Europe: "Where are we in relation to Europe? Not too far from Dover."
21. On his dog Rosie: "I still don't like calling her a dog, she was so much better than that."
20. On whether he’d received death threats: "Only from the wife when I didn't do the washing-up."
19. On Iain Dowie: "By the look of him he must have headed a lot of balls."
18. On the Europa League: "I think everyone that gets in it wants to be out of it. They put reserve teams out every game."
17. On Kenwyne Jones: "He took a knock on his ankle but we played him some Bob Marley reggae music and he was fine."
16. On West Ham fans: "Everyone f***ing jumps all over you. They don't care Michael Carrick's just 19. When he gave the ball away the other week there was 20000 people c**ting him off. He give a bad ball and they are all f***ing ‘weeerrrr’."
15. On Jermain Defoe: "He's cocky and arrogant but show him a goal and he's away, like a wind-up toy."
14. On foreign coaches: "I don't understand why owners suddenly lost faith in British managers."
13. On Dani: "My missus fancies him. Even I don’t know whether to play him or f*ck him."
12. On a training ground row between Alvin Martin and Matthew Rush: "I've seen better fights at a wedding."
11. On Samassi Abou: "He don't speak the English too good."
10. On player highlight videos: "I tape over most of them with Corrie or Neighbours. Most of them are crap. They can f***ing make anyone look good. I signed Marco Boogers off a video. He was a good player but a nutter. They didn't show that on the video."
9. On Adel Taarabt: "I can't keep protecting people, who don't want to run about and train, and are about three stone overweight. What am I supposed to keep saying? Keep getting your 60, 70 grand a week and don't train? What's the game coming to?"
8. On finance: "I am a fantastic football manager not a hard-headed businessman. I've got no business acumen whatsoever."
7. On Darren Bent missing an opportunity to score: "You will never get a better chance to win a match than that. My missus could have scored that one."
6. On West Ham’s trophy cabinet: "First of all I had to find the bloody cabinet, when I eventually did, I opened the doors and out flew 2 bats, 3 Japanese soldiers and Lord Lucan!"
5. On the possibility of leaving Portsmouth for Southampton: "I will never go down the road."
4. On Paolo Di Canio: "I was going to pull him off at half-time, but he got a piece of orange like everyone else."
3. On technology and literacy: "I write like a two-year-old and I can't spell...I can't work a computer, I don't know what an email is, I can't, I have never sent a fax and I've never even sent a text message. I have a big problem, I can't write so I don't keep anything. I am the most disorganised person, I am ashamed to say, in the world...you talk to anybody at the football club. I don't write. I couldn't even fill a team sheet in."
2. On Gareth Bale: "He drove me mad in training. Technically, he was outstanding but he always seemed to be playing with his hair."
1. On his sex life: "I sorted out the team formation last night lying in bed with the wife. When your husband's as ugly as me, you'd only want to talk football in bed."