5 Downright Nasty Players To Make Arsenal As Hard As Nails

Scumbags that's what Arsenal need. People who can break noses, court teammates wives, gouge eyes and take out super injunctions...
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Scumbags that's what Arsenal need. People who can break noses, court teammates wives, gouge eyes and take out super injunctions...

Arsenal’s post match interviewees after Tuesday's game with Udinese were Aaron Ramsey and Theo Walcott. Two nicer boys you would struggle to find in football. But at this juncture in the Arsenal freak show we don’t need nice boys, we need scumbags.

Of all the sides in the Premiership, this young Arsenal squad are probably the team you'd be most likely to have a pleasant, inoffensive evening out with. You’d go for a meal at a Michelin starred restaurant followed by a couple of glasses of sparkling mineral water at a wine bar. You’d discuss things like jumpers and Nintendo DS computer games. They'd all be in bed by 10pm.

But frankly when you envisage the sort of team who's going to win you the league and what sort of night out you’d have with them, it would be a significantly more debauched affair. The kind of evening the George Graham era Arsenal or modern day Man United lads might embroil you in. Your Adamses, Boulds, Mersons or your Giggsys, Andersons, Rooneys. The kind of lads who are out spit roasting, fighting and driving their sports cars into lampposts p***** out of their heads.

Wenger is seemingly ignorant to the fact that he needs some bad boys in the team, some outright thugs. Utter, utter scum who’ll go in two footed, pick people up by the scruff of the neck, spit in faces, poke fingers into eyes, start punch-ups in the tunnel.

Chucking a bit of pizza and moaning at the referee just doesn’t cut it.

If you’re going to moan at the ref, you have to intimidate the poor f***** by backing him off 40 yards to the halfway line screaming invective into his face like Roy Keane, Jaap Stam and co did to little And D’urso way back when.

Wenger inherited one of the nastiest, ugliest, meanest defences this country has ever seen then added real hard men like Vieira, Petit and Grimandi to his midfield – players not afraid to elbow opponents in the eye socket, stamp on their chests and generally assault them all over the pitch. He won the championship with this motley crew in his very first year. Then, at some point, he strangely decided to completely jettison the idea of having scum in his team.

Smacked the s**t out of some guy outside a club in Ilford then pretended it was because he feared the lad was about to steal his £64,000 watch. Get over yourself Anton you thug

Surely he must see that the teams who have won the league in recent years have contained absolute t******. John Terry anybody? Why can’t we have a few players who have f***** other players’ wives? John Terry would f*** David Luiz’s missus in the blink of an eye then brag about it on twitter. You just can’t see Alex Song doing the same to Bacary Sagna’s other half can you?

The time has come for the scumbag revolution at the Emirates. Instead of lovely, affable chaps like Ryo Miyaichi, Manuel Almunia, Andrei Arshavin, Carl Jenkinson and Kieran Gibbs – boys who you could ask to look after your house for the weekend and come back to find they'd done the dishes, bought you a new bath mat, ordered some home shopping from Ocado and turned all the lights off before they left – we want players who would turn your house into a crack den, arrange dog fighting in your front garden and threaten your neighbours with a sawn off shotgun. Players in the mould of Vinnie Jones and Julian Dicks.

So looking around the league, let’s see who fits that model…..

Joey Barton.

The patently obvious choice. Although he has attempted to reinvent himself of late, quoting The Smiths and pretending to have read some books, the man is pure undiluted toxic waste. He’s been in prison for smashing in the face of a minor in the city centre, violently assaulted a teammate, stubbed out a cigar in the eye of a youth team player and driven over a pedestrian in his car breaking their leg. This is exactly the calibre I’m talking about. Sign him up Wenger! Sign him up now!

Marlon King.

Punched a girl’s lights out in a nightclub because she didn’t fancy him. Pure, unreconstructed scum of the earth. How much would he want in wages? Who cares. Whatever it is it would be a bargain.

Anton Ferdinand.

Smacked the s*** out of some guy outside a club in Ilford then pretended it was because he feared the lad was about to steal his £64,000 watch. Get over yourself Anton you thug….and while you’re at it come and teach our boys how to break someone’s nose!

Lee Hughes and Anderson.

Neither of them graduates from the school of good motoring, they’d make a cracking midfield pair with their driving runs from the back and acceleration down the wings. It’s been said they’ve both got good engines. Arsenal have good form in this area too, the most famous drink driver of all, Tony Adams, won four league titles with the gunners. Fasten your seat belts we’re in for quite a bumpy ride this season.

Rooney and Giggs.

They’d probably spitroast your mum without a second thought then take out a superinjunction. Can you imagine what they’d bring to the Arsenal dressing room? A prostitute, probably.

So there you have it; a compelling argument for le Professeur to ditch the recent ‘play nice’ approach and revert to the bad old days of yore. And perhaps he’s already showing signs of turning nasty. He’s appointed Robin Van Persie as captain. And, for all his weaknesses, at least Robin’s been falsely accused of rape. That's something to build on I suppose…..

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