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5 Reasons To Love Man United: By A Liverpool Fan
Calm down, calm down, you might think. But try as I might to hide it, I have a grudging respect for that lot down the road. Here's one from the archives
Try as I might to hide it, I have a grudging respect for Manchester United despite being a Liverpool fan. Here’s five reasons why I may never walk again…
1. Sir Alex Ferguson
Tuber-nosed Lord of the Sith that he is, Darth Ferg remains beyond question the single greatest manager of footballers this country has ever seen. His record at Manchster United speaks for itself. And when it doesn’t, Mike Phelan does.
2. Ryan Giggs
Under the all-seeing eye of the aforementioned Glaswegian despot, the boy once tipped as the next George Best somehow gave fate, the full spectrum of STDs, innumerable liver transplants, and the English FA the slip with a textbook Cruyff turn, a burst of speed and a pair of eyes so close together they may as well share a socket and save on rent.
Quarterback-sneaking his way into international footballing oblivion (thanks in no small part to Bodin, Pembridge, and Horne - worst legal firm ever), you’d think the most gifted player of his generation had fair reason to hit the bottle hard. But no. Saved by the dull gene, young Ryan shrugged a pragmatic shoulder and hyper-blanded his way to 48 league titles, 319 FA cup winner’s medals, the Duke of Edinburgh Bronze award, and almost all of his swimming badges. He really is Cliff Richard with shin pads. You’re more likely to catch Desmond Tutu snorting coke off a crucifix than see St. Giggs in the tabloids. What’s more, despite being three months shy of his 70th birthday, the model pro’s model pro still doesn’t seem to have lost any pace. Even this Liverpool fan is forced to bow down in awe.
An astonishing athlete, a privilege to watch and, in a week soiled with elbows, gunshots, touchline brawls and drug busts, it’s just nice to know there is still the odd footballer out there with a modicum of dignity.
Ask anybody who lives in Manchester; nobody has ever seen Paul Scholes anywhere but Old Trafford. Clubs, pubs, not even Clinton Cards.
3. Old Trafford
It would be easy for me to resort to petty jibes about cockneys here, but I shall rise above it in the name of fair play and journalistic integrity. Designed by Scottish architect Archibald Leitch, few sporting cathedrals are imposing enough to house the ever-expanding twattery of Eamonn Holmes and Mick Hucknall at the same time. So just be thankful the Theatre of Debt is, or they may’ve ended up at yours.
4. Eric Cantona
A very rare creature indeed. And if you need me to justify his inclusion you know nothing about football. You know nothing about life. And you may as well kill yourself now.
5. Paul Scholes
I left this one ’til last for the simple reason, as any Liverpool fan will tell you, admitting to yourself you adore a Man Utd player is hard enough. However admitting it in public, why, that’s tantamount to starting a sentence, “In Ashley Cole’s defence…” in a room full of rabid and toothless Chery Cole fans from Gateshead.
Yes, it takes a special kind of player to bring out the cunt sympathiser in you. And for me that player is the man Pele christened “Powle Sholls”. As gifted with the ball as he is a liability without it - I find his lifelong aversion to a well-timed tackle almost as endearing as his absolute refusal to sing the national anthem before England games (frankly, you’d have to be some kind of dickwheel to expect anything other than panoramic reticence from football’s ultimate Quiet Man).
Over 600 appearances for his club and booked in all but three of them. With that kind of rap sheet you’d at least expect a badger-baiting addiction or a couple of murder charges. But the second the Ginger Ninja leaves the field of play he ceases to exist. Vanishes, he does. Ask anybody who lives in Manchester; nobody has ever seen Paul Scholes anywhere but Old Trafford. Clubs, pubs, not even Clinton Cards. It’s as if Sir Alex pulls his batteries out between matches and locks him in a man-sized safe. Rumours suggest he has a wife and three kids but they’re even more elusive than he is. The man is either sitting on the mother of all secrets - cannibalism, Aleister Crowley books, a pentagram of toddler limbs - or he’s an automaton from the world’s dullest sci-fi franchise. Either way, Paul, you complete me.
Now let the lynching begin…
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COMMENTS
Hey you Manc Why do you pretend to be a Liverpool fan? Go back to Old Tratford if u so love it That's where you belong And don't do you dare call yourself a Liverpool fan again...YOU BLOODY IMPOSTOR !!!
Hey Kim, you should look up the word satire, read it and understand its meaning before you cast dispersions on others. Have you no sense of humour????
yOU ARE RIGHT. i WAS A LITTLE BIT HASTY IN MY JUDGEMENT. FERGIE THE FART FACE MAKES MY BLOOD BOILD MORE THESE DAYS AND MY NERVES ARE ON THE EDGE WAITING FOR TOMORROW....DID NOT BOTHER TO INDULGE IN THE EXAMINATION OF THAT MASTERPIECE OF LINGUISTIC MASTUBATION THAT THIS TEXT IS
sorry for the language.....I just hope we beat them tomorrow
Hysterical. All you needed to add was Gary Neville's uncanny likeness to the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and it would be complete. Thanks. Made me chuckle.
You are either very brave or that photo is not you. The relationship between Mancs and dippers has become increasingly toxic and one-eyed over the last few years as we ate up the ground and eventually drew level on the number of titles. So in the spirit of the article I will nominate Jamie Carragher as a Scouser I love. He has the magic blend of passion, commitment and above all humility that fans absolutely f*cking love and as such I nominate him as your Paul Scholes. That squawking petri dish of a man, Gerrard, on the other hand is a prize twunt.
I guess you don't remember 'st giggs' being all over the tabloids for punching his gf in the face. Just because she didn't press charges this seems to have been forgotten by most.
truly the wind up merchant, mr. ford, you've really been taking the piss this week...the only thing that separates you from that dinosaur paddy barclay is that is paper is widely respected. as with the carroll piece from a few days ago, a flashy headline caught my attention. and again, after reading it, the only i find over here is a steaming pile of rubbish
Typical public school desperation to be part of working class culture gone wrong. Heard at back of pub lamenting Redknapp injury. Liverpool fan/Manc respect impossibility. Just give up you lame loser.
Ok, we get it now now lad, your a Manc on a wind-up, yer can stop postin LFC articles now.
I agree with Tom Okker.
I take it back, I hate you all. Every single one of you scally tools, Cheshire stockbrokers and especially Sammy Lee.
thinking about adding a sixth reason to love the scum, mr. ford? i got one for you... how about we applaud lord ferg for his heroic and principled stance of silence (and for gagging the rest of his manc army, like a true fascist pig) towards the evil media empire following sunday's match? clearly, the sole agenda of the london-based media is to drag the proud name of "manchester united" through the dirt. any footballing success that takes place outside their fair city is an anomaly (look no further than uncle woy...the problem was not his dinosaur tactics, but that he was forced to take his talents to that sporting abyss known as liverpool, poor chum). We should all stand and applaud the big red nose for: (1) being so great and wise, and (2) having the cajones to stand in opposition to a system whose sole institutional purpose is prevent "manchester united" from winning the championships the club so rightly deserves. "not good enough for a knight of the realm"
well said
I'll leave the bickering to you girls. We lost, deservedly. Carragher should've definitely gone, Nani's frankly hysterical reaction probably saved his bacon. At least he tried to apologise, reinforces my point about him being a scouser even a Manc can respect. If you bitter f*cknuts think that makes me any less of a fan you can drink my *****. Having said that I hope your season falls to pieces starting tomorrow.
Very true lulz
Fair Play to ya, Scholes is a hero!
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I just want to say to the FA **** your ****ing ****s right up your ****ing ****s you ****ing ****s. And I hope you all drown in buckets of ****ing ****. Cunts.
No Liverpool supporter should ever have reason to "love" ManUtd, but some of those are good reasons to RESPECT them. But Ryan Giggs, "modicum of decency"? Try telling that to his wife, and his brother, and his parents, after he cheated on his wife with his brother's wife FOR YEARS, ruining an entire extended family. Giggs has had a great professional career but never should anyone ever be compelled to "respect" such an utter c**t. Barton, Cole, Gerrard, Ferdinand, Rooney and all others look like saints compared to Ryan Giggs.
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