5 Things We'll Definitely See At Arsenal V Liverpool

While some pundits have bizarrely billed this as an early Champions League decider, we reckon it's all about Wenger losing his marbles, Liverpool bullying Arsenal and exactly what moment Andy Carroll will do his sex face...
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While some pundits have bizarrely billed this as an early Champions League decider, we reckon it's all about Wenger losing his marbles, Liverpool bullying Arsenal and exactly what moment Andy Carroll will do his sex face...

While some pundits have bizarrely billed this as an early Champions League decider, we reckon it's all about Wenger losing his marbles, Liverpool bullying Arsenal and exactly what moment Andy Carroll will do his sex face...

Arsene Wenger's head in his hands.

Pretty much his default position towards the back end of last season. The professor had his turtle-esque bonce resting between those ridiculously long fingers of his so often that he appeared to be aping Auguste Rodin's The Thinker. In the glory years, when he employed some filthy animals in his defence and midfield, this position would only be assumed ever so occasionally - Michael Owen in the FA Cup for example - but he's at it so often now that you have to worry for his mental state. When you've built up such a wall of bulls*** regarding this being 'my strongest squad' the only way is down. If you're after a bit of Premier League bingo, I'd say we'll see this within 15 minutes after Andy Carroll has brutalised his effete centre-halves.

Liverpool bullying Arsenal

Two of Arsenal's biggest mistakes (let's face it, there have been a few) was not spending the money on Reina and Alonso when they could've got them. Wenger was still so sure that his team could genuinely challenge Man United and Chelsea that he failed to kill off Liverpool at their weakest point. Liverpool now have to do this to Arsenal. Man City are doing it by depleting their squad but every pundit from here to Mozambique reckons it will be between the two for fourth place. I don't agree with the idiot I heard last night saying 'this is a Champions League decider' but Liverpool need to physically best Arsenal and also attempt to rip them to shreds in a footballing sense. Dirk Kuyt should target Jenkinson at right-back, Adam and Lucas should be able to dominate the midfield and Carragher will surely be looking to aim a crucial kick anywhere on Robin Van Persie's glass ankles.

The news today is that Juan Mata will join Chelsea, two weeks ago Arsenal could've got him for his buy out clause and made a statement of intent

Andy Carroll scoring a goal and doing his sex face

Although his heading last week was so scattergun it resembled an American battalion in one of their friendly fire moments (I don't get this friendly thing, stupid, idiotic and ill-conceived yes, but never friendly), and also allowing for the fact that he could prove to be the most over-priced footballer in history, I see the man who cost a mere £3 million less than Aguero notching today. Sunderland marshalled him well last week and stopped him getting the running jump he uses to such great effect, yet Koscielny and Vermaelen are both ball playing centre-halves and will hardly relish a big lump and his ponytail throwing himself at them. I don't have any idea how many goals he will score this season, but if I had to put my house, wife and dog on him scoring against anyone, it would be Arsenal. Adam corner or free-kick, towering bullet header, followed by the eyes closed, mouth open celebration that you know he does when tupping one of many hood-rats.

Arsenal fans booing Wenger / berating Nasri

In all of my years watching football I can never remember a team being booed off in a pre-season friendly. Yet in setting the tone for what could be an arduous season, that's exactly what the denizens of the Emirates did when the club failed to win the Emirates Cup. Despite his wish to move to Manchester, Samir Nasri will probably start today and the cynic in me reckons it might be a ruse by Wenger to get the crowd off his back. Nasri will undoubtedly, and correctly, get dog's abuse from the stands but should Liverpool emerge triumphant, the boos will ring out at full-time. I honestly reckon if Arsenal are mid-table after 10-15 games Wenger will be on his way. A lot of Arsenal fans would have him out now due to his inability to put a billionaire's money where his mouth is. The news today is that Juan Mata will join Chelsea, two weeks ago Arsenal could've got him for his buy out clause and made a statement of intent. Instead they signed another teenager from Southampton.

Kenny Dalglish winding Wenger up

Although there is no reason for any hostility between the two, Dalglish took great pleasure in telling Arsene to p*ss off last season and he wouldn't think twice about doing it again. If, as expected, Liverpool go all stiletto in a silk purse on Arsenal, you can guarantee Wenger raging on the touchline before turning to Pat Rice, who hasn't stood up for nine years, and gesticulating like a Boules player from Nimes who has just seen his carefully placed sphere rammed by an exocet propelled by a fat, aggressive, beret-wearing resident of Toulouse who smells of sausages and pernod.

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