Dave, we get it. You have a lot of things on your mind right now. When put on the spot it’s tough to remember the exact football team that your spin doctors decided you should support several years ago, in order to make you seem like a normal person.
You froze and named the first team that plays in claret and blue that came to mind. Unfortunately it was the wrong one.
The trouble is that the proletariat tend to be quite attached to their football teams and flip-flopping from one side to another is frowned upon. Just ask up and coming Tory member Sol Campbell.
You were meant to be the smooth statesman in this campaign, while Ed made these sort of blunders. This can’t happen again, so to make it easier for you to remember what team you’re meant to be following should anyone bring up the FA Cup final, we’ve drawn up five points of difference between Aston Villa and West Ham.
5. Your uncle was the chairman of Aston Villa
This is quite a big one to be fair. The average person would be able to remember if a close member of their family was once in charge of one of the biggest football teams in the country and by claiming to be a West Ham supporter you run the risk of people thinking that your uncle is a porn baron.
Having grown up in Berkshire you should probably support someone like Chelsea but these days that would reek of money and privilege - the very thing that your spin doctors were trying to dispel when finding you a football club.
So when you mentioned that uncle William was once chairman of Aston Villa they jumped on it. It turned out that Sir William Dugdale’s reign coincided with them winning the European Cup and the narrative of how you came to follow the club was born. Now all you’ve got to do is remember it. Next time someone brings it up, mention Nigel Spink’s heroics and Peter Withe scoring the winner.
4. One is in Birmingham
It doesn’t help to get rid of the notion that the Conservatives are a London-centric party when your thoughts automatically turn to a club from the capital instead of the one in Birmingham with the funny name.
Anyway, West Ham’s in that nasty part of London where all the rough people live. It’s all very well going to the East End for the Olympic opening ceremony but trust us, you don’t want to watch football there. They might sit you next to Russell Brand.
3. Villa have a better class of celebrity supporter
Which brings us to celebrity support, where Villa are quite literally in a different class. You’re not even the poshest person to claim to be a fan, with a future monarch Prince William supporting the team.
West Ham on the other hand have the aforementioned Brand, along with dodgy geezers like Danny Dyer and Ray Winston - not the type of company that a PM should be keeping. Alf Garnett might have been a West Ham supporting Tory but these days he would have 100% switched his allegiance to UKIP.
2. West Ham are a bit naughty
You’re leading the Conservatives, who claim to be the party of law and order and yet you align yourself with a club with a reputation for football hooliganism?
No one is going to buy that you spend your weekends clad in Burberry, mobile to your ear, arranging a meet with Tottenham’s firm. You live on Downing Street, not Green Street.
1. Villa better fit your political ideology
West Ham are gearing up to be the most socialist club in the Premier League, having announced that they will slash season prices when they move to the Olympic Stadium in Stratford. As is the case with a lot of hard up East Londoners, they will be renting it from the council. Any chance that the Right to Buy policy will extend to football clubs?
Villa are a much better fit for a Tory. Like the Conservatives Party the club is a grand old institution that has seen better times. What’s more, their owner Randy Lerner has overseen a policy of austerity measures and transfer fund cuts that could serve as a workable blueprint for cutting the deficit.