A Liverpool Fan's Open Letter To Bayern Munich & Pep
Dear Bayern Munich board
I see again from the news today that your blatant carefully veiled attempts to unsettle Luis Suarez have led to him mentioning he might be interested in leaving Liverpool and pitching up in Bavaria.
Let me stop you there. You might think you need Luis, but in the grand scheme of things you really, really, don’t. The last time I looked you were 300 points clear at the top of The Bundesliga, had whipped Arsenal in the Champions League without breaking sweat and look set to sweep Europe before you with a Teutonic efficiency not seen since, well, let’s not bring that up, shall we.
Good luck to you, really, anything that stops Manchester United adding to their three European Cups even if it means you joining us on 5, is fine. But you don’t need Suarez, you might want him, that I understand, but you don’t need him. That’s just greedy.
But we need him, I mean really, really need him, would you really leave us with only Daniel Sturridge and his wriggly arm dance up front? Leave us with the prospect of Downing starting another season as first choice?
And you, Pep, you’re meant to be a good guy, one of the ones who can be trusted. But there you sit in New York with your kids, planning the destruction of Liverpool while moseying up the Statue of P*ssing Liberty, knowing full well that you can’t get Messi and deciding that Ribery, Robben, Muller, Gomez and the 16 other forwards who allow Bayern to butt pump the rest of the Bundesliga every week aren’t enough. You want Luis to play as a false nine, the cherry on the easiest cake you’ll ever bake, taking over a team so dominant they’ve made Dortmund look like the Dog and Duck.
And for what? Two seasons, tops, while you plan your complete and total reinvention of Manchester United as bacon face drinks gambols like a lamb towards retirement. What’s your plan, Pep, to take him with you to United? Not gonna work pal, they hate him, detest him. But it’s ok for you in your Yankees hat and your cream bloody chinos isn’t it, dreaming of our Luis while you stuff your face with an ice cream the size of Gerard Pique’s bell-end.
And what’s worse is that Messi, your hormone grown love-child might, just might, be ready to leave Barca by then, so not only will you have left us tattered, left us with £40 million for Brenno to spend on Matalan coats and skilful midgets with the physical presence of one-ply bog roll, but you’ll make them the best team in the world.
And for that, I'll hate you