An Arsenal Fan's Guide To Being A Tottenham Hotspur Fan

Want to be a Spurs fan? Simple, just start hurling abuse at those in red, get a terrible tatt and grow a ponytail...
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Want to be a Spurs fan? Simple, just start hurling abuse at those in red, get a terrible tatt and grow a ponytail...

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An Arsenal Fan's Guide To Being A Tottenham Hotspur Fan...

Grow a pony tail and get a tattoo

Unconcluded studies show that a higher percentage of male Spurs fans have a pony tail. It looks pretty or stupid, but it falls in line with the fine traditions of Tottenham Hotspur and their style of play. A tattoo will also be required. Any misguided kid wanting to follow Spurs will not truly be accepted at the wrong end of Seven Sisters Road until he or she has the tribal mark; a cockerel measuring at least eight inches down the outside of your left leg.

As vile as it looks, it doesnt matter, it's tribal and you want to belong. You'll long for spring in order to wear shorts that show off your mark. Simply supporting Tottenham Hotspur isn't enough. The cockerel is now a part of your body forever, your skin. And as muggy as it looks now, imagine how it's going to look if you ever reach a maturity which allows you to know better?

Despise Woolwich

This is important. You haven't got much over The Arsenal, but the fact that Spurs were in North London first, well it's f**king significant isn't it? Sure, Arsenal have been there since 1913 and you, your Dad, and Grandad don't remember anything else, but you've heard about the move from Woolwich to North London back when, and it makes your blood boil, even though you come from Essex.

Brim With Pre Season Confidence

June and July is your time. A time when last season's collapse can be forgotten, and next season's hasn't yet occurred. This is not a time for holidays, for which we may recommend May so to avoid the rush, expensive packages, and embarrassment.

This is when you fill your lungs with confidence and proclaim this is 'your year', even if it doesn't end in a "one". Buoyed by Spurs legends from Steffen Freund to Stuart Nethercott who sing that song with you in every paper previewing the season.

Arsenal look weaker this year, they've lost Wright/Bergkamp/Vieira/Henry/ Adebayor/Fabregas/Nasri/Van Persie (delete dependent on year) and the Spurs squad finally looks stronger.

Glory glory Tottenham Hotspur. There is no glory, so you must build an arrogance without substance which everyone else will deem jealousy. Your club means nothing in the higher echelons of British football let, alone European. Think of Spurs as a massive club with bundles of history, even if the record books prove otherwise.

Spit with anger

Show me your angry face. Spit with anger and bulging eyes and say 'Gooner c**t' at the same time. Emphasis and spit on the 'C'. Perfect. Any good at throwing coins, or bullying anyone foolish enough to wear red near the Bill Nicholson? Good job son, take that anger, your pony tail and the tattoo to the North London Derby at the lane and wait for them, before letting it all out as they arrive.

Let them know who we are, and don't worry if you don't get it right the first time. You'll still be doing this well into your fifties, when life really ought to have offered you something else to ease the resentment.

Celebrate mediocrity and revel at the mere suggestion of true glory.

What with not winning the league title since Grandad was a face, embrace the mediocre and take the chance to celebrate what might happen before it doesn't. The club will help you in this regard.

If you fight your way back to earn the bravest of points in Woolwich, the club will have a DVD waiting for you the very next day. This is handy if you're one of the 5,000 who left before the final whistle, as it gives you the chance to see Jermaine Jenas rallying  the troops whilst you were on the way home.

If you're winning a two legged league cup semi-final in extra time, your club's PA will announce ways in which you can buy tickets for a cup final you'll never attend.

If lucky enough to visit the home of The Arsenal with a 10 point lead over the Gooner sl*gs, why not celebrate the eclipse by printing a t-shirt boasting of the gap, before having your picture taken outside the big shiny stadium that your better off neighbours have built?

If you're two nil up after twenty minutes, celebrate as if you've won the league for the first time in fifty plus years, like these fellas. Revel in the small achievements as they are the height of your expectations. Enjoy the moment before you're 5-2 down.