An Aston Villa Fan's Guide To The Transfer Window: We Need Less Players Like Ireland And More Like Benteke
It’s the silly season in football – do you love it or hate it?
Love it, I give so much of myself during the season it is nice to have a break from wall to wall football and arguing with thick people on Twitter about our tarnished game.
This summer, what are you hoping to read every time you check your club news each morning?
That we have not sold Christian Benteke and we have sold Stephen Ireland, Darren Bent and Barry Bannan.
What do you inevitably end up reading instead?
The world’s slowest race between Newcastle and Fulham to buy Darren Bent.
Got much cash in the kitty?
Well compared to my wallet loads, we obviously don’t own a giant oil reserve in the Arabian Peninsula, a gas field in Siberia or sell countless shirts in the Far East, so we will never win the league but our chairman Mr Lerner has a few bucks and an iron will, we don’t have to sell our best players which is nice.
Hulking midfielder? Tricky winger? Big b*****d defender? What types of players would you like to sign this summer?
Ever since David Platt left in 1990, albeit a few years in the twilight of Paul Merson’s career, the Villa have been crying out for a creative goalscoring midfielder. One of them will do. But they do not grow on trees. We could do with a classy and commanding central defender because our defence was a nightmare last year, hopefully Ron Vlaar wont go missing or mad this season and be like a new signing.
What types of player will you end up signing instead? An U21 Moldovan left back instead of Spanish international forward perhaps?
For years our worldwide scouting system has been worse than the Catholic Church’s child protection squad but things are looking up, we seem to be getting some quality Dutch and Danish international under 21s. I’d like to think Mr Lambert has a couple of big name signings up his sleeve before the end of the season.
Who wants to leave the club and what’s your attitude towards them?
Well Mr Benteke went on holiday with his agent for a week, who also happens to be his ex-teacher and when he got back he put in a transfer request. I was pretty relaxed about it as for me the kid can do no wrong, he kept us up near enough singlehandedly and is a true joy to watch. Lambert and Lerner played it perfectly, they did not freak out like too many fans did, just held firm and now we have him on a longer contract and he’s got the pay rise he deserves. However, it is the players who don’t want to leave p*** who me off the most.
Who’s been the biggest t***er of this transfer window?
Well, besides Benteke’s agent there are a few to pick. Stephen “plays like your mad cousin” Ireland for one, he does not want to go anywhere, just happy to pick up massive wages and do nothing besides picking new fish tanks to impress his orange mrs. What a waste of a player. And this chronic lack of wanting to prove oneself on the pitch seems to have rubbed off on Barry Bannan who seems to be clinging on to his wages instead of leaving the club and playing in a first team.
Will you be stronger or weaker next season?
Stronger, much stronger, last season was a case of trying to cling on with some deadwood as our new players tried to bed in, but thankfully Christian Benteke became a star in the second half of the season and kept us up, it was probably the most exciting season in years.
Any other news?
I cannot confirm this but it appears there will be no free pie vouchers in this year’s season ticket packs, which is penny pinching at best and bloody cruel at worst. Oh and we don’t glow in the dark any more in away games, which is sad.
What has been the best ever bit of business your club did in the transfer window?
Christian Benteke, everyone laughed at us, even Colin Murray cracked a gag on MOT2: “Unless the Villa have found a striking sensation in the Belgian league....” Err well we did, and he kept us up and we will make a giant profit on him. Thanks a lot! He is not a one season wonder, he is unplayable, just like Drogba was.
And the worst?
Stephen Ireland. We did not even have a manager at the time but some bright spark at the club thought it would be acceptable to have him as a make weight in the Milner deal. Millions and millions flushed down the pan for a few fancy flicks here and there.