Wenger Won't Buy What Arsenal Need, So Cavani Is The Answer
The transfer window is the only period of time when things that aren't happening become news.
"Radamel Falcao refuses Madrid loan move because of Champions League allergies."
"Papiss Cisse uninterested in Juventus switch because Juventus are uninterested in him."
It's something that never happens outside of football.
"Coventry unlikely to be hit by mass terrorism attack this January because it looks like it has already been hit
"Jennifer Lawrence still not doing porn."
So in the true spirit of the speculative but usually disappointing January window we look at the pros and cons of Edinson Cavani's move to Arsenal (which won't happen) and what should actually happen (but probably still won't.)
If the rumours are to be believed and PSG are really sick of the Uruguayan and his well-structured jawbones they are not going to let him go for £10 million and a signed Yaya Sanogo shirt.
But with Olivier Giroud’s legs assumedly held on by blu-tac and Alexis Sanchez playing just about every minute of football that he can possibly play, there will be space for him, because eventually the Chilean will run himself into cardiac arrest.
You always make space for world class players - except Cesc Fabregas, obviously. Yet apart from the short period where Welbeck was out and Giroud was banned for being a lunatic, it’s not been the area of the field where the most pressing concerns lay. That lies further back and has been obvious to everyone for months, so you don’t need to be reminded yet again.
Presumably, somewhere in a North London hospital there is a room that Arsenal book out on a yearly lease to house their banjaxed midfield players, with a king-size bed reserved for Jack Wilshere.
Arsenal’s biggest advantage has always been the wealth of players they have in the middle of the park. They could almost field a team of central midfielders but right now Arteta, Wilshere, Ramsey, Ozil are all out of action, while Walcott still looks some distance away from being anything close to useful. Right now they are relying on Flamini and Coquelin to anchor that midfield and that can make for a pretty leaky ship.
If reliable club sources are to be believed (they usually aren’t) there is already interest in three midfielders. It’s a pretty safe bet that two of them are Southampton’s Morgan Schneiderlin and Sporting Lisbon’s William Carvalho. It’s unclear who the third one is but it’s a necessity that at least one is signed. Southampton have shown that their ability to lose key individuals and prosper, which may convince Ronald Cool-man that it could be worth cashing in on the Frenchman, though he may also not want to lose the bulk of his midfield to a team they are fighting with for a Champions League spot.
Arsene Wenger must look back at last season and wonder how he ever got through the campaign without Mertesacker and Koscielney picking up no injuries, while everyone else looks back at it and wonders how he thought he could manage that again this year. In broad-speaking medical terms, Koscielney is f****d but Arsene is in a position where has little choice but to risk him. “Go on Laurent, I really need you this week. Have a band-aid and a Red Bull and I’ll make sure to get you that extra spikey hair-gel you like for your birthday this year.”
If the normal fourth place finish is to be ‘achieved’ this year, a CB has to come in. Winston Reid looks the obvious candidate, with Sam Allardyce essentially telling him to f*** off in his press conference the other day. But Manchester United are also interested and as they are unexpectedly in a much better position than the Gunners right now, it brings the conversation back to Edinson Cavani.
Two seasons ago Sir Alex Ferguson won a league title with Phil Jones, Jonny Evans and Tom Cleverley in their side. Fortunately, Arsene Wenger sold them a Dutch skunk, which pretty much put the writing on the wall from the off and sadly confirms that sometimes Jeremy Clarkson is actually correct - “POWER” is the answer.
United won the league that year because they had a striking pairing of Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie that were frankly unstoppable. This year their attacking talent could lead them back into the Champions League, despite the fact that they have a back four that nobody else wants.
So if Arsenal can’t make the necessary signings - and this is Arsenal so they won’t - then maybe Cavani is the answer. If the club are going to continue to be awful at stopping goals going in, the obvious solution is to be better at making other teams pick it out their own net.