Cash Daft Liverpool: An Alternative Guide To The Transfer Window

After spunking £35m on Andy Carroll, Liverpool needs tips on how to spend their money that much better. While Rodgers has steadied the financial ship, they should follow these helpful tips in the future.
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After spunking £35m on Andy Carroll, Liverpool needs tips on how to spend their money that much better. While Rodgers has steadied the financial ship, they should follow these helpful tips in the future.

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Cash Daft Liverpool: An Alternative Guide To The Transfer Window

Valuing a player:

TALENT

- Although not essential, it’s an excellent attribute. If a player has talent they’re a keeper (unless they’re not).

FEET

- If they have less than two, that’s far from ideal. If they have two or more and can actually use them all to play football, you’re cooking on gas.

NATIONALITY

- A British passport is worth its weight in gold. If Anderson was standing on it;

- An African passport results in lots of banty lolz about the player being twice the stated age. Also the African Cup of Nations is a total downer. But! Next Vieira and all that, so swings and roundabouts;

Far Eastern passport: Bingo!

NAME

- If the player’s name ends in a vowel add £5m. If it ends in ‘Carroll’ add £32m.

PROVEN

- Proven in the Premier League is good (because really, abroad, what’s all that about?)

- Proven in the Champions’ League and/or international level is better;

- Proven on a cold Wednesday night in Stoke is best.

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NARRATIVE

- Narrative is excellent. What’s especially good is redemption (e.g. the Suarez Law of Diminishing Cuntitude); or being previously less good and now more good. It can result in media hyperbole or better still, a campaign!

WHO’S SELLING

- If it’s Porto or Spurs, double the price and double again. It’s known as the Levy charge;

- If it’s Harry Redknapp, maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement (with a buy-back option thrown in, natch);

- If Jorge Mendes is involved it’s important to know that he likes his deals like his coffee - with f**kloads of sweetener.

WHO’S BUYING

- Cash rich (Chelsea, City) or cash stupid (Liverpool) and you can basically write your own cheque;

- QPR and you can write your cheque, slide it across the table and get busy writing another cheque. Ker-f**king-ching.

CONTRACT

- If the player is in their last year, scratch everything above and it’s £3m if you’re lucky.

ARSENAL

- Time-wasters. Browsers not buyers.

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