Cash Daft Liverpool: An Alternative Guide To The Transfer Window
Valuing a player:
- Although not essential, it’s an excellent attribute. If a player has talent they’re a keeper (unless they’re not).
- If they have less than two, that’s far from ideal. If they have two or more and can actually use them all to play football, you’re cooking on gas.
- A British passport is worth its weight in gold. If Anderson was standing on it;
- An African passport results in lots of banty lolz about the player being twice the stated age. Also the African Cup of Nations is a total downer. But! Next Vieira and all that, so swings and roundabouts;
Far Eastern passport: Bingo!
- If the player’s name ends in a vowel add £5m. If it ends in ‘Carroll’ add £32m.
- Proven in the Premier League is good (because really, abroad, what’s all that about?)
- Proven in the Champions’ League and/or international level is better;
- Proven on a cold Wednesday night in Stoke is best.
- Narrative is excellent. What’s especially good is redemption (e.g. the Suarez Law of Diminishing Cuntitude); or being previously less good and now more good. It can result in media hyperbole or better still, a campaign!
- If it’s Porto or Spurs, double the price and double again. It’s known as the Levy charge;
- If it’s Harry Redknapp, maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement (with a buy-back option thrown in, natch);
- If Jorge Mendes is involved it’s important to know that he likes his deals like his coffee - with f**kloads of sweetener.
- Cash rich (Chelsea, City) or cash stupid (Liverpool) and you can basically write your own cheque;
- QPR and you can write your cheque, slide it across the table and get busy writing another cheque. Ker-f**king-ching.
- If the player is in their last year, scratch everything above and it’s £3m if you’re lucky.
- Time-wasters. Browsers not buyers.
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