Downing? Excuse Me For Yawning: A Liverpool Fan's Guide To The Transfer Window

Liverpool have clearly got money, although we seem to have no sense and are intent on buying robotic, one-dimensional footballers without a trick between them...
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Liverpool have clearly got money, although we seem to have no sense and are intent on buying robotic, one-dimensional footballers without a trick between them...

Liverpool have clearly got money, although we seem to have no sense and are intent on buying robotic, one-dimensional footballers without a trick between them...

It's the silly season in football - do you love it or hate it?

Football is a disease - all it ever does is make me sick, disoriented, depressed and irrational. That's why I used to look forward to the close season; for a few short weeks I could almost convince myself I'd been cured. Well, not anymore. Now, thanks entirely to a media that simply won't shut the f*ck up, my summer is no longer the well earned break of yesteryear but a seamless continuance of the nightmare with a slightly increased likelihood of skin cancer.

This summer what are you hoping to read every time you check your club news each morning?

That all future transfers are going to be run by me first.

What do you inevitably end up reading instead?

That Bland and Anonymous are now more desirable adjectives than Exciting and Skilful.

Got much cash in the kitty?

Yes. Now if only we could match it with a similar amount of sense.

Hulking midfielder? Tricky winger? Big b*stard defender? What types of players would you like to sign this summer?

Aside from Suarez, we don't have another player who can beat an opponent with a bit of close-quarters jiggery-pokery. I yearn for flair, for the unexpected, for something rude and exciting. Pornball, that’s what I want. Lewd. Filthy. Prurient. Downright degrading replete with pounding gristle, ecstatic wailing and unpixellated cumshots. Is that really too much to ask?

Ever the realist, I expect us to improve but not enough to break into the top four. Which ultimately amounts to no improvement at all.

What types of player will you end up signing instead?

Sadly, ones that don't require a box of Kleenex to hand.

Who wants to leave the club and what's your attitude towards them?

Our problem isn't players who want to leave; it's players that won't. I know singling people out may seem a trifle harsh, but having witnessed Christian Poulsen’s wonky radar in full effect, I’m really not surprised to hear he’s struggling to find the exit.

Who has been the biggest t*sser of this transfer window?

Me. I've been in a state of perpetual psychopathy since the f*cking thing opened.

Reckon you'll be stronger or weaker next season?

Ever the realist, I expect us to improve but not enough to break into the top four. Which ultimately amounts to no improvement at all.

Any other news?

For all the money we've spent I remain pragmatically underwhelmed by our squad. And despite the ensuing volley of abuse, I know I'm not alone.

What has been the best ever bit of business your club did in the transfer window?

In recent times, Sami Hyypia for £2.6 million. Beyond that, the goalkeeper is rarely given his due so in a bid to address the universal oversight, I’d say Bill Shankly’s 1967 signing of a teenage Ray Clemence from Scunthorpe United for £16,000 is worthy of a retrospective standing ovation.

And the worst?

As the Stanley Park saga rages on, the only good reason I can see for razing Anfield to the ground and building a whole new stadium is the hope that in the process it'll finally rid the stench left behind by El Hadji Diouf. I’d have felt less ashamed if we’d been harbouring a war criminal.

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