Goalkeeper: Hart To Hart
With this classic detective double act in goal, we'd have no problem solving the mysterious case of Direct Free Kicks or the Strange Happenings At A Penalty Shootout.
Left Back: Old King Cole
Old King Cole was a merry old left back
Was a merry old left back was he,
He got into space, called for the pass,
And he hoofed it up to Big Andy.
Centre Back: Terry's Chocolate Orange
Not as reliable as we'd like, one collision and there's every chance that this defender could break into neat little sections. However with it also being spherical it has an excellent understanding of the ball.
Centre Back: Royal Ascot
What can possibly go wrong with sticking a load of horses and drunk posh people in front of our goalkeeper? However we might have to reconsider the cliché to be "Parking the Carriage".
Right Back: Boris Johnson
He's very good down the right, but not quite as useful if shoved over to the left.
Centre Midfield: Gerard Depardieu
A hard man star performer, has the ability to steal any scene or game he takes part in.
Centre Midfield: A Parka Coat
A dependable all weather 60's throwback. Can withstand any onslaught be it neat passes into the box, the Gallagher brothers or even light rain.
Right Midfield: A Famous Milliner
Even if you are the most famous Milliner in the world, Google hasn't heard of you. Much like James Milner really, constantly overshadowed by much better players, but people will always need him when it rains or they want their hair to go fuzzy.
Left Midfield: Angus Young
Explosive and has the ability to go 'solo' to change a game around, even if it is the same solo and chords in every song.
Striker: Carol Vorderman
Has a very quick mind, is excellent at weighing up percentages and can always be relied upon in the final few minutes of the game, or the final 'Countdown' (Awful, I know). Plus she's easy on the eyes.
One has hidden depths and holds the ball (and water) up very well. The other consistently pushes the boundaries of what's acceptable in popular music, but is also still heavily reliant on a one hit wonder from 1994.
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