Everton Blunderer Marriner Will Be Replaced By Drone, Once Kaiser’s Dead

German bloke drones on.
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German bloke drones on.

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Everton Blunderer Marriner Will Be Replaced By Drone, Once Kaiser’s Dead

The thought of being replaced by an unmanned, autonomous aerial vehicle was probably the last thing going through the mind of Andre Marriner, as the unfortunate official led out Manchester City and Everton on Saturday evening.

In a wretched first-half performance Marriner somehow missed two flying karate kicks, before awarding the fluffiest of fluffy penalties.

Leaving all, apart from the oblivious Jamie Redknapp, deeply concerned about Birmingham born Marriner’s faculties. Not to mention his eyesight.

The highlight of Marriner’s second half was to book a player for simulation, despite replays clearly showing there had been more contact than he had earlier deemed necessary to award a first half penalty.

While Sky pundit Redknapp attempted and failed to justify Marriner’s bizarre interpretation of the rules of the game, the powers that be apparently agreed with the rest of the viewing population.

He has subsequently been dropped by the Premier League and is about to crash land on to the unsuspecting League 1.

Leaving Marriner, who supposedly fell into refereeing by chance, with an opportunity to bamboozle the players and supporters of Fleetwood Town and Sheffield United this weekend.

Just when Andre Marriner thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, German footballing icon Franz Beckenbauer has declared the referee to be an endangered species.

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The two-time World Cup winning player, coach and, lesser known soothsayer, has taken a peek into the future of the beautiful game and claimed the much maligned breed of football official will be replaced by unmanned, autonomous aerial vehicles. That is drones to you and me.  

Following the Premier League’s lead, the German Bundesliga, with the full blessing of the influential Beckenbauer, have decided to implement goal line technology.

This however, is only the tip of a techno iceberg for der Kaiser, who, when interviewed by German Sky, duly predicted the end of the noble art of refereeing was nigh.

He said: “Goal line technology will not yet mean the end of assistant referees.

“They still have a role to play in advising the referee if a player has committed a foul, a handball or whether a player is offside.

“But we live in an age in which technology plays a huge role. This will not end with goal line technology alone,” warned Beckenbauer.

“Sometime in the future, referees will be replaced by drones. These drones will eventually take over the duties of the officials on the pitch.”

Exactly when Andre Marriner and his fellow colleagues will have blown their last whistle, der Kaiser couldn’t or wouldn’t say. However, he was certain he would - metaphorically speaking of course - have kicked his last ball on this mortal coil.

“When will this happen? I’m not certain.” Said the 69 year-old Bayern Munich legend. “Probably after I am no longer here anymore.”

Mr Marriner and his band of much maligned brothers may take comfort in the fact that Franz Beckenbauer is, in body at least, as fit and healthy as a butcher’s schweinhund.

Long live der Kaiser!

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