Everton End of Season Review: Benteke Could Be The Goalscorer We Need Without Moyes

David Moyes goes with our best wishes, but the club must aim to keep Leighton Baines....
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David Moyes goes with our best wishes, but the club must aim to keep Leighton Baines....

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Everton End of Season Review: Benteke Could Be The Goalscorer We Need Without Moyes

The ‘I f*cking love this game’ highlight of the season?

There were surprisingly quite a lot this season. As an Evertonian you’re normally lucky to get one highlight during a season. But amongst the many great performances the team has produced, the best must be the opening win against the champions. It was a performance that illustrated everything that has been great about Everton this season. Yes, we were tough, combative and organised but equally there were great swathes of the game when Utd were simply outclassed. The game gave a hint of what was to come, arguably the best football that Everton have played for a generation.

The season ticket shredding moment? 

Unquestionably it was Everton’s utter capitulation against Wigan in the FA Cup. It might not be what it once was, but the FA is still a piece of silverware, something that has been in short supply at Goodison for some time. This year’s competition, which saw plenty of the ‘traditionally’ good cup teams knocked out early on, represented a great opportunity for Everton to progress to the final. That we went out to the eventual winners should come as some comfort. But seeing as the eventual winners were Wigan, a team who were both relegated and sh*t, means that any comfort was short-lived. What’s worse, we let Wigan (WIGAN?) outclass us. At home! That game was probably one of the darkest during Moyes’ reign at Goodison.

Moment that just about summed it all up?

The game in which we confirmed the fact that we would finish above the Sh*te for the second season in a row (the first time this has happened since the 1930s) was also David Moyes’ final appearance at Goodison. Could anything better sum up both our season and life as an Evertonian than that game, the fact that football can’t deliver us something good at the front door without at the same time nipping around the back and stealing our tele?

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Got the right manager? 

We did have. We had the best manager in the league. But you can’t blame David Moyes for wanting to test himself at a higher level. Moyes has been a wonderful servant for the club and transformed Everton’s fortunes in a way that would have seemed inconceivable eleven years ago. I hope he has what it takes to make it at Utd and ensure that the club remains a thorn in Liverpool’s side for years to come.

Player of the season?

Leighton Baines. Dependable at the back, a constant threat going forward and gloriously coiffured, Baines is unquestionably the best left-back in the league. How Ashley Cole gets picked for England ahead of him at the moment is bewildering. Baines would waltz into any top side in Europe, which is something that he’ll likely do this summer.

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer? 

Maybe our name? I have a theory that ‘Everton’ is a bit too suburban as a moniker. It fails to cash in on the city’s international brand, in the way that the ‘sh*te-across-the-park’ are able to do. Unfortunately, we can’t call ourselves ‘Liverpool-Everton’ because it sounds ridiculous, but I still think we need something to set us apart from the crowd. Locomotiv Everton has a nice ring to it. On the pitch, Locomotiv Everton still need a forward who can get us fifteen goals a season. It’s arguable that had we had someone like that during this campaign then Champions League football would have been a real possibility. The first-team is also starting to look a little long-in-the-tooth. Any new manager will have to bring in some younger players to redress the imbalance we currently have. Either that or invest in a fuck-load of steroids to numb the pain in those creaking knees.

Which player would you like to sign? 

It’s never, ever, ever going to happen but Benteke would be nice. Although, considering Everton’s track history with promising forwards, he’d be on the subs-bench by Christmas with two goals to his name (both in the league cup).

Biggest own-goal? 

Not putting a gun to Moyes’ head and forcing him to sign a new contract. At least then we’d have got a few quid when he buggered off up the M62

Biggest t*sser?

Brendan Rodgers has turned out to be a surprising knob. Who would have thought that someone so unassuming at Swansea would have blossomed into such a top-class bell-end once placed within the confines of Anfield? His musings on life provided a masterclass in Fisher-Price philosophy.

Best pie? 

As much as I enjoy eating horse, cow uterus and excrement, there’s something about mashing them all together in a pie that seems a tad excessive.

Player’s tweet of the season? 

Although largely pointless, the twitter spat between Joey Barton and Dietmar Hamann was exciting for Barton’s use of the word ‘blert’, a long lost gem from my scouse youth.

Best laugh you had all season? 

I greatly enjoyed Luis Suarez’s attempts to eat another player. I really hope he stays in the Premiership because who knows what this demented Uruguayan will do next?  Murder seems the most logical step. But even then, who will he kill, how will he do it? A player of Suarez’s creativity and unpredictability will surely think up an entirely surprising way to end an opponent’s life; a sneaky injection of Polonium-210, lethal electrodes attached to a defenders genitals, an attack squadron of flying monkeys trained to swoop down from the Kop at his command? The possibilities really are endless.

How do you plan to get through the summer without football? 

With a bit more money to spend and a managerial vacancy to fill, at least this summer might be more interesting for fans of Locomotiv Everton. The only difficulty will be to stop greeting the name ‘David Moyes’ with excitement in the rumour columns. ‘He’s not our manager anymore’ will have to be this summer’s mantra.