Pre-season: Good, bad or ugly?Good. The International Champions Cup tournament had a rulebook which made as much sense as the lyrics to I Am The Walrus - we reached the semi-final yet managed to finished sixth - but it was nonetheless fantastic exposure for the club. Beating Juventus was the highlight, losses to Real Madrid and Valencia were, erm, 'good workouts'. Couldn't have asked for three better fixtures really.
Hopes for the season:To see Martinez re-implement the type of football for which the club was once known as the School of Science. To lose the 'knives-to-a-gunfight' mentality which stuck by us throughout Moyes tenure - in eleven years we never won away at Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea or Liverpool. To see us go 1-0 up and then really have a go and get three or four. To see Nikica Jelavic scoring freely again. To win both derbies. To equal (or better) last season's sixth place.Oh, and a cup, please. It's been far too long.
Fears for the season:
That the new manager breaks what's fixed - the defence. We had the fourth best in the league last year but Wigan - tellingly - had the joint worst. Martinez would be a fool to tinker too much in that area.
Absolute bare minimum you’ll accept:
For Baines? £100000000000000000m, so do one Dave.
Fixture you’re most looking forward to?
There should be a good atmosphere for Moyes' return to Goodison. That and the cup final.
Got the right manager?
We'll see. His first impressions have been positive, the signings have been good if not spectacular and the club as a whole feels refreshed. It's a hard act to follow, though, and we may have to bide our way through a season or two of transition whilst new ideas are implemented.
By Christmas you’ll be…
Able to answer the previous question.
Player you’d most like to sign?
It would have to be a centre-forward as I don't think any of Jelavic, Kone or Anichebe are going to score us 20 goals. Swansea's new signing Wilfried Bony or Alvaro Negredo - who we were linked with in January before he moved to Manchester City for twice the price - would have been perfect. However, unless we sell Fellaini or Baines, we just won't have the funds to sign the top-class striker we need.
We've been strongly linked with Wigan's James McCarthy. I'm a big fan, but not at £15m.
Which player should we look out for?
Kevin Mirallas. His first season at Everton was punctuated with injuries but goals like the ones against Stoke and Tottenham showed his talent. A quick, exciting player with two great feet, look out for him beating his man, and the next, and the goalkeeper. An absolute steal at £5m.
John Heitinga. I never thought I'd be saying that two years ago when he was voted our player of the season, and I'm not really sure where it all went wrong, but you could be forgiven for thinking there was now an 's' before his surname. He's fourth choice, behind Phil Jagielka, Sylvain Distin and new signing Antolin Alcaraz, but remains one of the club's top earners. We need to get rid. Any takers? Please?
Opposition hate figure?
A few months back I would have said Luis Suarez but you've got to take your hat off to the fella, winding up thousands of kopites like he has is cracking work. So I'll go for Steven Gerrard then. Or anybody who plays for them, really. Aside from that lot, Jack Wilshere comes across as a cocky git. Yes, yes, I know you only asked for one but I'm sure you'll excuse me for adding Ashley Cole, Joleon Lescott and anyone else who isn't Everton.
Tell us something we don’t know about your club?
When King George V and Queen Mary had a nosey around in 1913, Goodison Park became the first Football League ground to be visited by a ruling monarch. So there.
What won’t happen this season?
"Coming off, please show your appreciation for number 7 Nikica Jelavic... aaand please welcome onto the pitch his replacement, number 2 Tony Hibbert"
Who needs Cantona when we've got Barry Horne?
Where will you finish?
Any other news?
Sylvain Distin has been telling women that he's a milkman in order to lure them into having sex with him up against trees. Because some just aren't impressed enough when you tell them you're a professional footballer.
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