Fans Half-Term Report: Wigan Athletic

The vultures beaks are nearing Roberto's neck, Boselli couldn't hit Bolton with a banjo and we're apparently going to sign someone for Dundee United.
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The vultures beaks are nearing Roberto's neck, Boselli couldn't hit Bolton with a banjo and we're apparently going to sign someone for Dundee United.

What’s going right?

We’ve all got plenty of room to stretch our legs during home games

What’s not?

Crowds falling, not scoring enough, conceding silly goals, fans falling out with one another, a crippling injury list, the need to balance the books and a general perception that after six years of scrapping our time might be up. What with Talksport whipping up their listeners into a rabid frenzy about our poor crowds while praising Blackpool’s marvellous support (check the averages for irony), plenty of people will be glad to see the back of us, with our place taken by a proper football club like Leeds United. Sigh.

Got the right manager?

I had to think about this one a little which is a step back from the summer when I declared my undying love for the boy from Balaguer. Our youth and reserves teams are flying high at the top of the table playing the Johan Cruyff inspired system which Roberto bases his game on. Sadly the first team are struggling somewhat, they either don’t respect him due to his inexperience, they aren’t good enough to play the system or the system simply doesn’t work with the players we can afford at the level we are playing at and is too predictable for the opposition.

There’s still a pretty even split between those desperate to see him succeed and those desperate to see him go who would prefer to get some lummox like Allardyce in (assuming he’d take it, we’re not exactly Real Madrid). The fact that Holloway and Coyle are making such a good fist of it around the corner by playing great attacking football and winning with similar resources isn’t making life any easier for the pro-Martinez camp.

Star player?

He’s temperamental, he’s opinionated and he’s well, French basically but we’re looking a poor side without Charlie N’Zogbia. Officially the best dribbler/greedy bastard in the Premier League, sometimes he does too much like that annoying kid in the school team but he’s got pace to burn and scores brilliant goals and has been sorely missed due to his recent suspension for nudging Ickle Jackie Wilshere’s forehead. Incidentally, does anyone know how Wilshere is? Is he out of hospital yet? I imagine his facial features will be resembling that of John Merrick judging by the force with which he hit the deck. Oh well get well soon Jack, hope you’re back before the end of the season!

Who would you like to sell in January?

I suppose Mauro Boselli as we can’t afford to have six million quid’s worth of player sauntering around the Trafford Centre on a Saturday afternoon. He’s not looked bad in patches but the general consensus seems to be that he isn’t suited to Martinez’s one up front formation which begs the question of why sign him in the place. Further research leads me to believe that he previously played up front on his own for Estudiantes, the difference being that he had a world class playmaker in the form of Juan Sebastian Veron as his supply line. Not to be confused with the lethargic Ali G lookalike who made a brief cameo at Old Trafford a few years back and was also called Juan Sebastian Veron.

In these situations, only a complete idiot would predict that their own team will go down. We’ll go down.

Who do you want to sign?

A left back to give Figueroa a kick up the arse as he’s spent most of the season swanning around hopelessly out of position living off the fluke he scored at Stoke last year. And an eight foot tall midfielder who can score, pass, tackle, motivate his team-mates into a never say die attitude and intimidate the life out of his opposite number would be a useful acquisition. Think Brian Blessed crossed with Dolph Lundgren and we might be getting there. We’ve lots of midfielders who do bits of stuff but we’re in desperate need of a leader. Hendry Thomas might look like the clergyman out of The Wire but he seems about as vocal as a Trappist monk.

Best chant so far?

I thought the “Victor Moses is running down the wing” to the tune of Heartbeat was pretty original but I should have known better and it had actually been nicked from Liverpool. The chant to our on loan keeper of ‘Ali, he f*cking hates Bolton’ always generates a thumbs up from the big Omanian, suggesting he hasn’t quite got the jist of it. Although the winner was probably sung by half a dozen at Bolton the other night when ‘Six years in the Premier League’ was followed up with ‘Six years since you’ve had a bath’ to Bolton’s tracksuited masses in the corner.

Best opposition player/team you’ve seen?

It hurts to say it but Stuart Holden of Bolton, he was injured in the game at the Reebok the other day but when we played them at our place it was like there were three of him on the pitch, he never stopped running. To add insult to injury, I believe his family are Wiganers who emigrated so technically he’s one of ours. Oh who am I kidding, if he’d stayed in Wigan he’d have a skullcap on by now and be chucking an oversized egg around.

Biggest **** of the season so far?

It’s a toss up between Scott Parker and Joey Barton. If you don’t know the reasons why you can probably take an educated guess at it.

Any other news?

Apparently, we’re looking at signing this David Goodwillie from Dundee United. It will make a change from the Shitcunts we usually sign

End of season prediction?

In these situations, only a complete idiot would predict that their own team will go down. We’ll go down.

A complete idiot is editor of the Wigan Athletic fanzine The Mudhutter. They have currently put their 48 page special online available to download for free here

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