FC United: 2013/2014 End Of Season Review

We still haven't quite got the hang of this 'playoff' lark but things are certainly moving in the right direction...
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We still haven't quite got the hang of this 'playoff' lark but things are certainly moving in the right direction...

FC United: 2013/2014 End Of Season Review

What’s going right?

Loads. Bloody loads is going right. By and large we’re playing football the right way. We win more often than not. We’re building our own ground in Manchester. And increasingly more of our players are jettisoning coloured boots to go back to black.

What’s not?

After four consecutive years of failure, we’ve still not really got to grips with this “playoffs” dance.

Got the right manager?

Karl Marginson? If we were into twee memes, we’d have a tea towel printed up with the message ‘KEEP KARL AND CARRY ON’. But we’re not, so we’ll just point to him missing out on the league by a point, his extra curricular community work, and his box-ticking in the nebulous criteria of “getting it”.

Star player?

Star players aren’t an FC United concept. Individuality and the cult of personality go against all we believe in. To pin-point one over everyone else brings into question the whole concept of team. We’re a living, breathing, get-the-ball-wide-and-sling-it-in experiment in footballing socialism. Plus I spend every game in the pub and I couldn’t pick our team out of a 12 man identity parade. Tom Greaves seems to be good at scoring goals and that. And our two centre backs, Tom Davies and Charlie Raglan, were both signed by proper, big boy, league clubs for next season. So one of them.

Who would you like to sell in the summer?

Sell? For money?! Any of them. The idea of getting money for a footballer is an exciting prospect down in the tin pot, glue leagues.

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Who do you want to sign?

Eric Cantona circa 1995. The manifestation of fire and brimstone Old Testament Eric. The vengeful, anti racist street-fighting demi-God. Swivel and hit a volley into the top bin from 30 yards and then stamp on a small-minded, small-town, hacker, who had the temerity to occupy the same space of pitch as him. If this isn’t possible, then a decent centre half who’ll play for peanuts.

Best chant so far?

All our witty and original songs have been replaced by happy-clappy, Ultra-ing by number s***-fests. I mourn the death of FC terrace culture. But in typical modern fan fashion, instead of doing anything about it I just whinge on the internet. I was very pleased to hear an end of season airing of the Jill Dando/Barrie George song to the tune of Abba’s ‘Fernando’. I also have to mention the ever-green ‘Sailor’ by Petula Clark. “In Capri or Amsterdam, Honolulu or Siam...”

Best opposition player/team you’ve seen?

Our league is characterised by homogeneous East Midlands cloggers suffering from gigantism and speedy white-booted wankers with no end product. There was one really tall fella, dunno who he played for though, or if he was any good. Hope this helps.

Biggest w***** of the season?

Last summer Witton Albion striker Shaun Tuck took to Twitter in the wake of the Lee Rigby murder to call on people to burn mosques and murder Muslims. He was sent to prison for it. On his release he abused FC United fans on another social media site and was sacked. After tw**ting his way around North West non league football he ended up at Warrington Town. Last week he was banned from all football until 2015 by the FA. He was then arrested for posting further racist comments on Facebook. And, probably worst of all, he suggested FC United fans wear shit trainers. He’s got this particular award sewn up for years to come.

Funniest Moment of the season?

Losing in the playoffs for the fourth year in a row after conceding goals in the 90th and 120th minute? Or our mate Jon splitting his pants trying to pick up a stranger’s pug at Stamford away and having to fashion a makeshift sarong to contain his dignity?

Next season's prediction?

We’ll lose in the playoffs. Obviously.

Follow Chris on Twitter, @the_itch1980