FC United of Manchester Half Term Report: Bring Back Rory Patterson

The noisier neighbours have finally got permission for their own stadium, unfortunately things aren't going exactly to plan on the pitch for FC United...
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The noisier neighbours have finally got permission for their own stadium, unfortunately things aren't going exactly to plan on the pitch for FC United...

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The noisier neighbours have finally got permission for their own stadium, unfortunately things aren't going exactly to plan on the pitch for FC United...

What’s going right?

We got the go-ahead to finally build our own ground, which will be perfectly placed in Moston in North Manchester. If our proven hit-men can re-find their scoring boots we’re positioned well enough for a surge on the play-off’s’. Paul Tierney has returned and if he can reach the heights he’s previously shown he’s capable of we’ll have the best midfield player in the division. James Spencer now looks more like an experienced, reliable, often match-winning Keeper after initially looking like Sylvester Stallone in Escape To Victory. We won’t go down.

What’s not?

We’re a bit s*** and seem to be forgetting how to play the ‘United way’. The hit-and-hope method has been used on more than one occasion, which should be as alien to our ethos as it is to the players we have who can’t play that way anyway. Managerial ‘restructuring’ has left the Assistant Manager/Head of Scouting and Development/Dance coach commentating on matches for club radio. We’ve also got to find a fair few quid to be able to build our ground.

Got the right manager?

The answer to this question will always be yes. Karl Marginson is talented, honest and totally committed to the clubs ideals on and off the pitch. He’s also the only man in the world called Karl Marginson.

Star player?

Centre-back Adam Jones has impressed with his ability and commitment. I wanted to sign him for a while and was thrilled when he finally joined-up. Like his namesake at MUFC, he’s got everything to be a top player but he dosn’t always put everything together in the right order at the moment. Dean Stott has been transformed from a s*** centre-back into a fine midfielder and Matty Wolfenden has never let anyone down with his displays up-front.

We’re a bit s*** and seem to be forgetting how to play the ‘United way’. The hit-and-hope method has been used on more than one occasion, which should be as alien to our ethos as it is to the players we have who can’t play that way anyway.

Who would you like to sell in January?

We don’t do selling in the Pritt-Stick league but Square-lugged, flipper-footed ‘star-striker Ben Deegan has somehow secured a trial with Rochdale. For his sake I hope a deal can be done and he gets a professional gig.

Who do you want to sign?

Former FC legend and Northern Ireland hit-man Rory Patterson. To see the return of the prodigal goal-scoring, mardy-arsed Fantasista is surely the dream of all FCUM supporters. Or maybe  Bebe.

Best chant so far?

‘Whoah Lee Neville’ to the tune of Black Betty (It’s not been a vintage year).

Best opposition player/team you’ve seen?

Much as it pains me to admit it we never looked like we could beat Chester even when we were winning the game. Many of their side could walk into ours.

Biggest **** of the season so far?

Probably Bob Blackburn, owner, spiritual guru and the funk of the mighty Bradford Park Avenue. Nothing specific springs to mind at the moment but the dicks bound to have spoken today and it probably included a gob-full of drivel about FCUM. Quick mention must also go to Chester City’s Baby Squad and their on-going live-action tribute to 1981.

End of season prediction?

After flirting with the outer-reaches of the play-offs we’ll knuckle down to the challenge of securing the much-coveted 11th spot in the table.

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