Five Reasons Why Newcastle United Will Implode

Newcastle United are currently confounding all expectations and pulling up trees in the top four but it can surely only be a matter of time before it all falls apart. He is why it more than likely will.
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Newcastle United are currently confounding all expectations and pulling up trees in the top four but it can surely only be a matter of time before it all falls apart. He is why it more than likely will.

Newcastle United are currently confounding all expectations and pulling up trees in the top four but it can surely only be a matter of time before it all falls apart and their burgeoning European hopes flounder. Here’s why…

Mike Ashley

If it was ever revealed that pint-guzzling Ashley was a double-agent Wearsider nobody would bat a solitary eyelash in surprise. From wobbling his gargantuan beer belly to hoarding the fortunes made from the sales to key personnel never before has one individual brought such shame and mockery on a football club.

Ashley has been quiet of late and his side are performing wonders. You can’t help but feel those two facts and interlinked. Never fear though because at some point he will intervene and once again c**k things up like the fat clueless chav that he is.

Alan Pardew

Firstly let’s give credit where it’s due – Pardew has pulled off nothing short of a miracle thus far. The odds were considerably stacked against him right from the off and only escalated further with Barton’s Tweet rebellion and ignoble exit. Pardew has bought shrewdly and moulded together a squad all playing together under the impression that the world needs proving wrong. Where he will struggle however is retaining this ‘us against them’ mentality once the accolades rain down instead of brickbats; when average players start to believe the hype.

Should things start to unravel the gaffer’s present calm aura may also go awry – no stranger to controversy and rumour Pardew is more than capable of causing disharmony where once there was team spirit through his own actions.

Valiant under-achievement is in the Geordie blood. It’s what they do best.

Demba Ba

The Senegalese hit-man arrived on a free at St James’ Park in the summer to a muted welcome from fans wondering where the big-money replacement for Andy Carroll was. Since then he has lit up the north-east with eight goals in nine including a lethal hat-trick against Stoke. Those three strikes would have felt like sweet retribution for Ba whose £7m deal with the Potters fell through last January due to his chronic knee problem. It was the second failed medical of his career and even his switch to Newcastle was placed in doubt due to the long-standing complaint. An issue that had to be overcome was how Pardew explained it at the time. Overcome it Ba certainly has but for how long?

Fabricio Coloccini

From Sideshow Bob to imperious colossus all within the space of twelve months it is a startling transformation from the gangly Argentine. Alongside amateur thesp Steven Taylor he has formed a solid defensive unit which has largely contributed to the Toon’s impressive parsimony at the back – so far only conceding a measly seven goals in ten Premier League fixtures. Surely though it is only a matter of time before the slips, gaffes and lackadaisical dwelling on the ball creeps back into his play. It’s inherently who he is. In fact the longer this majestic run continues the more Coloccini’s confidence will grow and that can only spell trouble for the Geordie faithful. Bob has still got plenty of rakes to step on before his career is through.

Because That’s What They Do

Valiant under-achievement is in the Geordie blood. It’s what they do best. Keegan’s magnificent side of the 90s blew it spectacularly grabbing defeat from the very jaws of glory and should the present line-up continue to excel the atmosphere around St James’ Park will feel mightily surreal. Where’s the drama? Where’s the momentous f***-ups?  Should Newcastle still be in the Champions League mix by February then Pardew will be duly sacked or two of the team will kick the living s*** out of each other on the pitch until all is right in the Geordie world of disillusionment and what-ifs.

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