Forget Bergkamp: Arsenal Should Erect Statues Of These Five

Surely three statues is enough, but if Arsenal are hell-bent on creating a solid bronze cheerleader squad this handful will work for a variety of different reasons...
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Surely three statues is enough, but if Arsenal are hell-bent on creating a solid bronze cheerleader squad this handful will work for a variety of different reasons...

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The news that Arsenal have now decided to erect a statue of Dennis Bergkamp on the vast expanses of land outside The Emirates poses several questions. Firstly, why didn’t they just commission one as part of the deal for the Wenger, Adams and Henry triumvirate? Secondly, once you’ve got four statues outside your ground, where do you stop? Surely crowds haven’t dwindled to a point where the club needs bronze statues lining the walkways and queuing up for scarves.

So, if the club are hell-bent on spending on these tributes rather than actual players made of bone and flesh who could score goals and lift them from mediocrity, here’s a few suggestions.

Ian Wright

Undoubtedly a prize clown, Wright loves nothing more that calling Arsenal out in his phonetic newspaper columns and shouty radio appearances. He did, however, score a lot of goals for the club and tried to decapitate Peter Schmeichel. Bronze him up.

Stewart Robson

One of the biggest w*nkers alive, Robson has a ridiculous axe to grind with Wenger and has essentially forged a career by slating him. We propose a statue of him, possibly in a corner, with his pants pulled down and a target on his bony bronze backside for fans to beat before taking to the stands and murmuring about Gervinho being rubbish.

Piers Morgan

See above, with the added bonus of allowing away fans something to desecrate instead of the pristine bogs.

Nick Hornby

Before Hornby wrote Fever Pitch, Arsenal were a great club, but essentially a normal English club. Several million book sales and a fawning film later and Arsenal became the club of the middle classes, able to charge obscene amounts for tickets at a soulless stadium to watch a team who don’t win anything. A genius.

Robin Van Persie

Preferrably in Wenger’s office as a constant reminder that you never sanction the signing of your one world-class player to a rival.