Forget The Museum, Where’s The Midfielders? A Leeds United Fans’ Guide To The Transfer Window

Could banning Twitter and the possible return of Alan Smith catapult Leeds back into the big time? Not if they spend all their cash on corporate boxes...
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Could banning Twitter and the possible return of Alan Smith catapult Leeds back into the big time? Not if they spend all their cash on corporate boxes...

Could banning Twitter and the possible return of Alan Smith catapult Leeds United back into the big time? Not if they spend all their cash on corporate boxes.

It’s the silly season in football – do you love it or hate it?

Hate it. We’re all going nuts at the lack of activity. It’s even worse than 1997 when they teased us for weeks about a big name coming to the club and then announced they’d signed up James Brown …as editor of the club magazine!

This summer what are you hoping to read every time you check your club news each morning?

That the astronomical prices we fork out for tickets is being used to buy at least one half decent player.

What do you inevitably end up reading instead?

That the redevelopment of the executive boxes in the East Stand is coming along nicely... and we’ve got some new bogs in the West Stand.

Got much cash in the kitty?

Yes, compared to a lot of clubs our balance sheet is apparently quite healthy – a lot healthier than the squad that is being slowly decimated by the traditional pre season curse of the cruciate ligament. It’s just a shame that any profit we make is being banked for building little glass boxes for be suited, braying businessmen. There are also plans for a museum and hotel. All very nice, but you don’t win games by building B&B’s in Beeston.

Hulking midfielder? Tricky winger? Big b*stard defender? What types of players would you like to sign this summer?

We’ve lost Kilkenny and Johnson, not outstanding players by any means but their presence often seemed to improve the team, so we need some more trouble makers in midfield to make up the numbers. Hopefully, new signing Michael Brown can fill that role. The return of Paddy Kisnorbo will hopefully shore up our woeful defence, but it would be wise to get plenty more cover in that area as I can see him getting crocked again by the end of the year.

What types of player will you end up signing instead? An U21 Moldovan left back instead of Spanish international forward perhaps?

We’ll probably just get back the players we had on loan last season. Hopefully Lichaj and Watt. Don’t expect any extravagant purchases – at best we’ll get a Corby trouser press for the new B&B.

Who wants to leave the club and what’s your attitude towards them?

This season’s rats have already jumped ship, but there may be a few more dropping hints to their agents after Simon Grayson banned Twitter. (Apparently our plan to win the Championship was ruined by Davide Somma tweeting about his injury.) Persistent rumours about more ambitious clubs poaching Gradel and Snodgrass are making us a bit jumpy.

Who has been the biggest tosser of this transfer window?

No obvious candidates... yet, so let’s just say Billy Davies – just because I can.

Reckon you’ll be stronger or weaker next season?

It doesn’t look promising. As I write we’re lacking everywhere, and even our over subscribed front line is looking wobbly with the news of serious injuries to Somma and Becchio.  Several players we got excited about signing last summer are coming back in from the cold. Bessone, Clayton and McCormack all have something to prove, but for me the player to watch is Ramon Nunez. Like Beckford and Somma before him he’s blossomed while out on loan and looks ready to step up for his twelve months of fame before leaving for a club that doesn’t pay him in buttons. Expect him to sit on the bench watching Billy Paynter fall on his a*se.

Any other news?

A cyber goth away kit has been introduced. The youth academy is being sponsored by Flamingo Land and the Alan Smith pantomime is still showing on a weekly basis. Oh no he isn’t.. oh yes he is.. etc

What has been the best ever bit of business your club did in the transfer window?

Getting Rod Stewart to play Elland Road.

And the worst?

Selling Kapser Schmichael to Leicester. He was last summer’s star buy and whilst not quite the finished article he’s definitely got a bright future. He’ll be returning to Elland Road on the last day of the season. You don’t have to be a Hollywood scriptwriter to imagine how that story might end.

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