Free The White Hart One: A Chelsea Fans' Guide To The Transfer Window

Will we sign Modric, Kaka or a bearded Serbian man child? Who knows, but we're owned by the world's biggest gangster so anything is possible...
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Will we sign Modric, Kaka or a bearded Serbian man child? Who knows, but we're owned by the world's biggest gangster so anything is possible...

Will we sign Modric, Kaka or a bearded Serbian man child? Who knows, but we're owned by the world's biggest gangster so anything is possible...


It’s the silly season in football – do you love it or hate it?

Transfer rumours are great, but unquestionably the best time of the season is the first month: new kits, new teams, new faces, all brimming with confidence and bursting with the vim that only a fresh start in the Premier League can offer. On that first match day in August, anyone can go top. Hell – why not? – anyone can win the league! Remember Blackpool on the opening day last year? Gah, it’s magical.

This summer what are you hoping to read every time you check your club news each morning?

That Chelsea have signed Wesley Sneijder, Luca Modric, Neymar, Gary Cahill, Romelu Lukaku and Samir Nasri for a combined deal of £8, with Yuri Zhirkov and Salomon Kalou being force-sold for hundreds of millions of quid to Daniel Levy at Abramovich’s gunpoint.

What do you inevitably end up reading instead?

That we’ve signed Kaka for £100 million. The whitest of white elephants. His lack of pace and inability to deal with the well-documented “hustle and bustle” of the English game will ensure he’s remembered as the new Juan Veron. On the plus side it’ll delight Athiests everywhere, as the hard-prayin’ playmaker’s dismal failure will prove categorically once and for all that there is no God.

Got much cash in the kitty?

Cash? You are joking, right? We’re owned by the world’s biggest gangster. Our club recliners are made from the rumpskins of ex-players and are stuffed with fifty pound notes - are you comfy on that leather sofa in reception? It used to be John Spencer’s a*se.

Despite all the cash, the panic-signing of Torres in January was an admission from on high that not enough dosh was made available for reinforcements last summer. This, coupled with the fact that this is the final transfer window before UEFA introduce a load of new rules that blah-blah-blah their way around the fact that they detest the success and opulence of the Premier League, mean that we should be in for an entertaining summer. In short: expect Roman to go absolutely bananas.

He derailed our title bid and ironically, for someone who represents such a misplaced spurge of dosh, his initials are FT.

Hulking midfielder? Tricky winger? Big bastard defender? What types of players would you like to sign this summer?

It’s ridiculous that we’re only 12 months on from a domestic Double and in this position, but our squad is ageing and we desperately need something explosive in midfield. Pace and width are a must, as is an option to cover for Robo-Ivanovic when he’s being recharged.

What types of player will you end up signing instead? An U21 Moldovan left back instead of Spanish international forward perhaps?

We’ll probably tap-up some Serbian man-child who is 6’8” and has a full beard despite being only 8-years-old. Villas-Boas’ appointment also suggests that Columbian striker Falcao’s move from Porto is only days away.

Who wants to leave the club and what’s your attitude towards them?

Didier “Is that his last game for Chelsea?” Drogba probably wants to leave. The word “enigma” doesn’t really get close to untangling the Drogba conundrum. He’s the reason the fans glare at Fernando Torres when he fails to kill a 60-yard long ball, hold off three defenders, wrestle a bear, present an agreeable phased withdrawal plan from Afghanistan and leather a bicycle kick into the top right hand corner. We probably need him to leave though, if only so we can learn to play some sexy football.

Who has been the biggest tosser of this transfer window?

Daniel Levy. FREE THE WHITE HART LANE ONE!

Reckon you’ll be stronger or weaker next season?

Stronger. Unless we let all our fringe midfielders leave (again).

What has been the best ever bit of business your club did in the transfer window?

Branislav Ivanovic in January 2008. Although he was unfit when we bought him (he didn’t play until the next season), the robotic Serb has proved to be a snip at £9million. Can’t cross, but then he is a centre-back really.

And the worst?

He derailed our title bid and ironically, for someone who represents such a misplaced spurge of dosh, his initials are FT.

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