Leeds New Manager Brian McDermott: 8 Reasons Why Being Bald Is Brilliant

Don't stress about losing your locks, being a slaphead will save you money, get you promoted and stop you being beaten up. And that's just for starters...
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Don't stress about losing your locks, being a slaphead will save you money, get you promoted and stop you being beaten up. And that's just for starters...

Leeds New Manager Brian McDermott: 8 Reasons Why Being Bald Is Brilliant...

It is 2003. I’m at a hairdresser. Just getting a normal haircut. 2 on the sides, cut short on top. Standard Friday procedure for me. Then...

“Oh, thinning on top.”

It’s not what you want to hear at 18 is it? From a hairdresser. They know what they are talking about. Experts in the field. It was a diagnosis. End of days.

8 years on. It’s all gone.

We live in a pretty pathetic society where being bald is seen as a disability. If you don’t look good enough, you aren’t good enough. Well you know what? They are wrong, and I’m right. Here are 8 reasons why being bald is brilliant.

1. You will never be Prime Minister.

Years ago you could look like a Bristol landlord and you could end up at Number 10. Not anymore. Thanks to terms such as ‘brand’, ‘image’ and ‘vacuous society’ a bald politician is expected to be caught in a sex scandal and nothing more. Why is this good though? Surely being Prime Minister is an achievement to be proud of? Well, think about it, do you want to be like Thatcher, Blair or Cameron? Hated by millions. Blood on your hands. Websites counting down to your death. Thought not.

2. Women don’t care.

The only people bothered by baldness are men. People that mention it and ridicule it are just petrified that they might go bald. Women don’t care. Walk down the street and you will see loads of bald men with beautiful women. I don’t think they even notice.

I don’t know why this happens but as a female friend of mine once said, “Tom, you aren’t bald, you have lots of hair around the side."

If you aren’t into women, then just end up with another bald fella. He will love you forever.

3. You don’t have to worry about your hair.

I used to spend hours and hours going through products sculpting and crafting my hair. I was never happy with it. If I wore a hat my hair would be messed up when I took the hat off and we were back to square one. Now, I can pop on a beanie hat, take it off. It doesn’t matter. I now have the same no hassle hair cut for the rest of my life. Wind, rain or shine it always looks the same. Bald.

4. It saves money.

I haven’t paid for a haircut since 2005. Just shave my head once a week with the same trimmer I’ve had for years. At a tenner a week that works out to saving over 3 grand so far. Baldness = Profit.

It could be argued I could put that cash towards hair treatment. All the more reason why being bald is brilliant. If it’s not working for you, just pop some hair plugs into yer noggin. Brilliant.

I’m bald now. At 26. It’s done. I don’t have to worry about it anymore. No more mirrors above the head. No more self-Indian head massages when no one’s looking. No more fear. I started to recede a bit then like a fire in the Australian outback. Zip. It was over.

5. Going bald young gets it out the way.

I’m bald now. At 26. It’s done. I don’t have to worry about it anymore. No more mirrors above the head. No more self-Indian head massages when no one’s looking. No more fear. I started to recede a bit then like a fire in the Australian outback. Zip. It was over.

Now look at your Dad’s mates. Slowly losing it. 20/30 years of clinging on. Mad bald patches. Crazy wispy hair. That’s practically torture. While they are going through that, you are on a beach somewhere, smiling, with your beautiful partner, 3 grand in your pocket carefully lathering your head with factor 40.

6. You will get promoted quicker.

Yeah, you might often get mistaken for your Dad’s mate but to people you do look older. Wiser. A safe pair of hands. When they want to promote someone at work are they going to choose the floppy haired kid who is the same age of you but looks about 15? Or will they put the fella in charge who looks most like Winston Churchill?

7. People won’t beat you up.

A skinhead will make you look hard or weak. Either way no one is going to punch you in a pub because they either think you are hard as nails or they think a swift blow to head might be the end of you.

8. It helps you accept death.

Death is coming. He is on his way. Losing your hair is brilliant prep for this. You can stare at the empty hole in your head where hair used to be and realise that one day you too will cease to exist. Bald men lost their battle with death long before everyone else. So while all those other people are pumping Botox into their already cemented faces. Clinging onto life. You can sit there. Dignified. Already prepared to meet your maker.

So there you go. Don’t worry, be baldy.

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