Like Stalking An Ex On Facebook: A West Ham Fans' Guide To The Transfer Window

With relegation, unfashionable managers and no change in the boardroom it’s been tough for West Ham fans. But if the Hammers keep hold of key players the future is promising.
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With relegation, unfashionable managers and no change in the boardroom it’s been tough for West Ham fans. But if the Hammers keep hold of key players the future is promising.

With relegation, unfashionable managers and no change in the boardroom it’s been tough for West Ham fans. But if the Hammers keep hold of key players the future is promising.

It’s the silly season in football – do you love it or hate it?

Transfer season for a bitter and twisted West Ham fan such as myself is like stalking your ex on Facebook. You tell yourself you couldn’t give a monkey’s what they were up to and who they are courting, but you still put yourself through abject misery to keep an eye on proceedings. Grim.

This summer what are you hoping to read every time you check your club news each morning?

That Luis Boa Morte has been signed by Manchester City for £30 million for his inspirational footballing performances, to give their struggling midfield a much needed killer instinct for the coming season.

What do you inevitably end up reading instead?

That Luis Boa Morte has signed a contract extension at West Ham United. Pass the whiskey and the shotgun.

Got much cash in the kitty?

We certainly have a lot more now we’ve stopped paying eye-watering wages for average, gutless layabouts like Kovac and Upson. Kieron Dyer had some awful luck in the claret and blue, but if he plays a blinder next season for QPR, he’ll have to watch his back. Hell, if he makes it on the green stuff more than 7 times he’ll be looking over his shoulder.

Hulking midfielder? Tricky winger? Big b*stard defender? What types of players would you like to sign this summer?

A goal hungry striker who’ll remind us of the Dean Ashton glory days. They could prove helpful and remind Carlton Cole what a controlled touch looks like.

What types of player will you end up signing instead? An U21 Moldovan left back instead of Spanish international forward perhaps?

I’ll be happy if the transfer window closed tomorrow. As long as our ever promising youth players stay fit and hit the ground running. Collison, Spence, Tomkins, Stanislas, Montano, Nouble, Fry and many more are all in for a big season ahead.

Scott Parker must choose to play a sideline role for a top club for a couple more seasons, or remain at West Ham and be welcomed into footballing folk law. Tough call.

Who wants to leave the club and what’s your attitude towards them?

There is plenty of speculation about super Scotty Parker wanting to stay in the top flight, and who could blame him. The plucky midfielder is already a legend around Upton Park for his heroic individual performances for the last 3 seasons, and few would hold a grudge if he finally left the club and joined Aston Villa or Chelsea.

If however Parker joined Tottenham Hotspur, and our old friend Harry Redknapp, highlights like his belting 25 year drive against Wigan under Zola and last season’s magical finish in the 3-1 defeat of Liverpool will quickly be swept under the carpet; and Parker would simply become another target of the Hammers' boo boys.

If by some miracle, Sam Allardyce persuaded Parker to stay, he has a very real chance of being remembered amongst the very best in West Ham’s history. He must choose to play a sideline role for a top club for a couple more seasons, or remain at West Ham and be welcomed into footballing folk law. Tough call.

Who has been the biggest t*sser of this transfer window?

Arsene Wenger and Arsenal fans are the biggest t*ssers of every transfer window. Sell Fabregas, sell Nasri, stop playing the pride game and wake the f*ck up. You are no longer a great team and I’m sick of your boring fans telling me about the invincible season down the pub. That was7 years ago. Spend some money and let the likes of long suffering Fabregas leave for goodness sake.

Reckon you’ll be stronger or weaker next season?

The addition of Kevin Nolan alone will make us stronger than last season. If a central midfielder who scored more goals than any of our centre forward’s last term - whose departure from Newcastle made Joey hard as nails Barton well-up like a child who just had his best teddy pinched - shows up in the East end then things are looking up.

Any other news?

Sam Allardyce is slowly winning over a less than welcoming fan base by stamping some much needed no nonsense authority into our transfer dealings. Eidur Gudjohnsen was told to sling his hook for hesitating over signing for the club after passing a medical. This was absolutely the right decision by big Sam. A player who doesn’t show clear commitment and desire to don the famous colours of West Ham isn’t worth the ink to sign. Encouraging signs indeed.

What has been the best ever bit of business your club did in the transfer window?

Paolo Di Canio for £1.7m after he was written off as a ref bashing nutter. Paolo sailed the Hammer’s to their highest ever Premier League finish (5th) and the Uefa Cup. Top business from wide boy extraordinaire Harry Redknapp.

And the worst?

Savio Nsereko. Yes, who? Savio broke West Ham’s transfer record, estimated to be around 10million in 2009. He was tipped to be the greatest talent of his generation yet only made 10 appearances scoring 0 goals. He was sold a year later for a dramatic loss. Whoops.

Kieron Dyer To QPR? Couldn't Happen To Nicer People. The West Ham Fans’ Guide To The Transfer Window

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