Lincoln City: If Paul Farman Doesn't Eat Someone We May Have A Chance

Lincoln City will have to cope with life outside of The Football League, but as long as their players don't get pissed the night before a game, things can't get too much worse...
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Lincoln City will have to cope with life outside of The Football League, but as long as their players don't get pissed the night before a game, things can't get too much worse...

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Lincoln City: If Paul Farman Doesn't Eat Someone We May Have A Chance...

Pre season: Good, bad or ugly?Acceptable. We put seven past one team, but lost to a side whose nickname is 'The Gingerbreads.' I felt a little emasculated after that.

Hopes for the season: To not lose to Grimsby. Again.

Fears for the season: That Grimsby will beat us twice.

Absolute bare minimum you’ll accept: I'd really like not to see any players out in a club on a Friday night before a game. Sure, one bought me a drink once, but then we got RELEGATED FROM THE BLOODY FOOTBALL LEAGUE, DIDN'T WE? I'd rather be a bit thirsty.

Fixture you’re most looking forward to? Barnet away. They used to put the away fans in a cage, an actual proper cage, but now they're playing at their training ground I'm hoping we'll be treated more like human beings and less like pet birds. Also Edgar Davids.

Got the right manager? Yes! He was at Lincoln before as assistant manager during our most successful period in years. He's put a lot of weight on since then and I think he might even be a little bit shorter, but he's far more passionate than any of the rubbish we've had before him. I'll take passion over the 987 (at a guess) loan signings the last guy made any day.

By Christmas you’ll be… More realistic about our ambitions.

Player you’d most like to sign? I'd like to have kept Jamie Taylor, who was Lincoln's top scorer last year. But his wife had to go and have kids and so he selfishly decided he needed to be closer to them. Bastard. Apart from that we've made some decent looking signings and, even though it will take me a few games to figure out who they all are, I think they should do alright.

Which player should we look out for? Paul Farman. He's like the monk from Mean Machine, only a little scarier and more active on Twitter. He'll either be the reason we do well this year or he'll go to prison for eating someone.

Which player would you love to ditch? We ditched all of our deadwood in the summer, which was a fairly enormous task. I'd keep all the ones we've got, but I would like Nat Brown to ditch the bandages that he always wears on his wrist. He's had it since he broke a bone in his first spell at the club, which was ages ago, so he's surely better by now. If not he should probably seek medical attention.

Opposition hate figure? Since Mansfield got promoted and took Ben 'I was once signed for a million pounds, you know?' Hutchinson with them, I'm not sure there's really anyone I'm going to boo that much when I see them. Having said that, Ben Hutchinson is nowhere near good enough for the Football League and will probably get loaned out to someone, so I'll save my hate up for him when that happens. I always used to see him out in clubs on a Friday night.

Tell us something we don’t know about your club? We now have the same shirt design as Blackburn Rovers away kit.

What won’t happen this season? My dad won't learn our foreign players' names.

Favourite chant? Anything shouted towards Grimsby fans when they visit that suggests they sleep with fish. We all know it's true and it's about time they just learnt to accept it and moved on.

Where will you finish? 6th. We'll get excited about going up through the playoffs but ultimately lose to a side in the final who I've never heard of. Wembley won't be cheap either. We'll have to take our own food.

Any other news? The away fans are being made to sit in Lincoln's tiny little 'family stand' this season. It can only fit about 100 people in, and the only view you get from there is of the corner flag. But more worryingly than that; where the hell are all the families going to sit now their stand has been taken?!?