Luis Suarez: An Evertonian's Guide To Improving Your Media Image To Stay At Liverpool...
You have to feel sorry for poor, little Luis Suarez. Apparently the evil British media have made life so tough for him that he is thinking of leaving the country. That this move will also provide him with more money and Champions League football is merely a coincidence. He would gladly give all that up (the latter being a virtual guarantee if he stays put) and remain loyal to Liverpool if only the press would cut him some slack and treat him fairly.
Well, it’s fair to say that although the British press is particularly vile, any relationship with it is something of a two-way-street. After all, it’s rare to get a poor image if you weren’t up to no-good in the first place. With this in mind, if Luis really wants to improve the way he is portrayed in the media and thus stay loyal to the club that have been so loyal to him, then there are probably a few things that he can do to help himself.
1) Stop Trying to Eat People
Someone should let Suarez know that eating your enemy does not enable you to absorb some element of the victim, such as their speed or intelligence. That kind of occultist mumbo-jumbo went out with the dark-ages. That same person should also tell him that if you do believe that eating an opponent will improve your footballing ability, then it’s probably better to attack a player like Juan Mata rather than Branislav Ivanovic, unless that is you actually want to become an immobile donkey.
In general, trying to eat another human being has largely fallen out of favour as the world we live in has become more civilized over the last few centuries (a process that has probably even reached Anfield). Despite this, although largely shunned as a societal norm, there are some places in the world where cannibalism is still considered acceptable. The Aghori of northern India for example, are members of a Hindu sect who consume dead bodies. The rotting corpses, which may be either pulled from a river or obtained from burial grounds, are eaten both raw and cooked on an open flame (producing something that is still probably tastier than most kebabs).
Sadly for Luis, Aghoris are pretty thin on the ground in north Liverpool and so his ‘crazy-cannibalistic’ actions stick out like a sore thumb. It’s probably for the best then that he packs in this eating-people malarkey as soon as possible. People don’t like it. It’s just not nice.
2) Encourage Liverpool to Sign more Repugnant Players
Suarez’s rancid personality might not look so bad if the Liverpool first team was staffed by more objectionable human beings. One possibility could be the AEK Athens midfielder, Giorgos Katidis. He came to fame a few months back after he celebrated scoring a goal by adopting a fascist salute, a decision that earned him a life ban from the Greek senior national team.
Another candidate could be polish goalkeeper, Arek Onyszko. This charming young man was recently sacked by his club, FC Midtjylland of Denmark, after releasing a book titled ‘F*****g Polak’. In this mighty tome, Onyszko outlined some of his views on life, which included this gem on homosexuals.
“I hate gays, I really do. I think it’s f****** disgusting to hear them talk to each other as if they are girls. I can’t be in the same room as someone who’s gay. Look at them kissing each other – it’s sickening.”
And if that wasn’t vile enough, just a few months before he was taken-on by FC Midtjylland, Onyszko was dismisssed by Odense after being found guilty of battering his wife, an offence that earned him a three-month spell in prison. With human-excrement like that in the side, Suarez would appear to be something of a role-model by contrast.
3) Stop Being a Dirty, Cheating B*****d
Suarez is undoubtedly a fine player. As he proved this season, he can pretty much carry a side on his own. He terrorises defenders and can create opportunities from next-to-nothing. So why then does he behave like a player blessed with far less talent? Throughout football’s history it’s tended to be the players who aren’t quick, who aren’t that skilled, and who can’t read the game as well as others that have had to revert to playing beyond the rules.
When a sloth-like full-back gets skinned by a tricky winger, you expect them to chuck an elbow in his opponent’s throat or bundle them off the ball. Or if a slow, poorly skilled forward is having trouble beating defenders it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise to see him go down under the slightest of challenges in the vain hope of winning a penalty.
Despite being supremely talented, Suarez does all of the above and more. He dives, he handles the ball and he kicks opponents for no reason. In last season’s FA Cup semi-final he attempted to wrestle Everton’s Johnny Heitinga to the floor in an incident that took place nowhere near the ball. Who does that?
Suarez should have faith in his ability as a player and realise that he can leave all that cheating, dirty crap to less able players, like Martin Skrtel or Joe Allen.
4) Own up to the Racism Charge and Apologise
If you use racist language and are then found guilty of using racist language, it’s probably a safe bet that you might be a little bit racist. Equally, if someone has to use the sentence ‘I’m not a racist’ then it’s also a good rule of thumb that they could be. After all, it’s not a phrase you could imagine Martin Luther King ever having been compelled to utter.
The response of Suarez to the racism charge last year was so profoundly inadequate, that it still tars the player today. Mention his name to most football supporters and the three words that will instantly come to mind are ‘teeth’, ‘bite’ and ‘racist’. The Evra case has become something indelibly attached to the ‘Suarez brand’.
Had he admitted culpability and apologised then a line could have been drawn under the affair. Admittedly, it would take a brave player to do this. But, if allied to a genuine display of contrition and an attempt to publically re-educate himself on the do’s and don’ts of race relations in his host country, in the long-run it might have been a better course of action than a combination of denial, general obfuscation and hiding behind Kenny Dalglish’s massive coat.
Although plenty of damage has been done, it’s never too late to turn things around. He’s already done the time, so he might as well admit to the crime and try to decontaminate his ‘brand’.
In essence all of the above can be summed up in one, tidy maxim: stop being such a knobhead. It’s a good guide for any walk of life. Should Luis follow this advice then there’s every possibility that he could improve his image, stay put at Liverpool and enjoy a career characterised by underwhelming mediocrity and lower-than-expected earning potential. A dream come true for any professional footballer, I’m sure you’ll agree.