Manchester United End Of Season Report: Fergie's Glazer Sycophancy Is Unforgivable

Carrick was my player of the season for his consistency, Park, Bebe, Anderson and Macheda need shipping out and the gaffer has some questions to answer about his attitude towards the parasitical owners...
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Carrick was my player of the season for his consistency, Park, Bebe, Anderson and Macheda need shipping out and the gaffer has some questions to answer about his attitude towards the parasitical owners...

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Manchester United End Of Season Report

The ‘I f*cking love this game’ highlight of the season?

Giggs’ last-minute winner at Norwich. Some wag posted footage on YouTube that includes me making Marco Tardelli look shy and retiring.

The season ticket shredding moment?

Nothing on the pitch, but the owners’ constant leeching, Ferguson’s support of them, the in-denial fans, the beehive of f**kwittery at Old Trafford and the stadium’s chronic atmosphere make heading to M16 undesirable.

Moment that just about summed it all up?

Drawing 4-4 against Everton. Great attacking football, porous defending and tactical errors from the manager as the league was effectively thrown away.

Got the right manager?

Yes, because only he could have taken that squad so close to the title. And no, because only he could have selected that side against City at Eastlands. He’s hamstrung by the parasitical Glazers as well, but his sycophancy towards them is unforgivable.

Player of the season?

Michael Carrick. Rooney’s goalscoring was consistent from December onwards, but Carrick was regularly excellent from when Ferguson entrusted him with a central (and regular) role. It’s amazing how not tinkering brings the best out of players…

On the pitch, hiring a quality assistant manager and signing some midfielders

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer?

Where to start? Off the pitch, interacting with supporters groups and not eulogising the “brilliant” owners would be paramount. On the pitch, hiring a quality assistant manager and signing some midfielders, whilst shipping out luxuries like Anderson and Macheda, as well as ineffectual calamities such as Park and Bebe would be prioritised.

Which player would you like to sign?

Javier Martinez.

Best goal?

Nani’s equaliser in the Community Shield. A brilliant team goal you would struggle to recreate on FIFA.

Biggest tosser?

Kenny Dalglish’s baffling defence of Luis Suarez exposed a footballing dinosaur and was the beginning of the end for him at Liverpool.

Best away pub?

The Larrik, Fulham away.

Best pie?

Villa’s balti pies are exceptional. They do them at Birmingham too so it must be a Brummie thing.

Best chant?

An admittedly and uncharacteristically dismal year for United, as “From the Banks of the River Irwell”s butchering took off. “Giggs is going to Amsterdam” to the tune of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” worked well. Alas he didn’t go…

Player’s tweet of the season?

Following United players is as joyful as reading one of Brian Woolnough’s tweets, but Wayne Rooney told @N87Kop ‘how u been doing in the league last 20 years kid’.

Best laugh you had all season?

Strictly schadenfreude, but Liverpool’s 2-0 loss at Newcastle was a gloriously ignominious afternoon.

How do you plan to get through the summer without football?

Euros escapism and reporting at the Olympics.

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