Manchester United End Of Term Report: Schweinsteiger The Man To Rejuvenate The Midfield

Despite the mauling by Barcelona, Manchester United were still a cut above the rest and Fergie handled the Rooney debacle impeccably...
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Despite the mauling by Barcelona, Manchester United were still a cut above the rest and Fergie handled the Rooney debacle impeccably...

Despite the mauling by Barcelona, Manchester United were still a cut above the rest and Fergie handled the Rooney debacle impeccably...

The ‘I f*cking love this game’ highlight of the season?

Chelsea at home. Nineteen was effectively clinched that day and it was one of the best Old Trafford displays from Manchester United in living memory.

The season ticket shredding moment?

No such moment occurred but if placating Wayne Rooney was past the point of no return then many fickle followers would have hunted glory elsewhere.

Moment that just about summed it all up?

Berbatov’s winner at Blackpool away. It was the complete Manchester United performance whereby the first half’s pragmatic exhibition b****rdised the club’s ethos, yet was disregarded in favour of an all-out-attacking comeback. It typified Ferguson’s quandary over what tactics to deploy until Hernández and Rooney hit it off.

Got the right manager?

Absolutely, although he needs a strong-willed assistant with tactical credentials. Ferguson won’t garner the same reverence as Busby because of his backing of the Glazers and how he indirectly instigated their ownership, but he handled the Rooney contract situation phenomenally and that was indispensable in United winning the league.

Player of the season?

Nemanja Vidic. Ever present and consistently brilliant, he scores crucial goals, stymies the best and has formed the greatest central-defensive pairing in the club’s history.

A Tottenham steward informed me that I would be ejected for flicking a V-sign at Peter Crouch, who had shown five fingers to signify five European Cups he didn’t win at one of his 10 clubs.

Muppet of the season?

Darron Gibson. He made his debut over five-and-a-half-years ago yet aside from the odd cracker, he fraudulently strolls around the centre circle and shirks any responsibility to dictate play when he ostensibly possesses good vision.

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer?

Where do you start? Ideally, morons wearing an AON replica shirt yet wielding a green and gold scarf would be banned, confiscating camera phones, ceasing the cheesy-sh*te music the MC plays at Old Trafford.

Which player would you like to sign?

Bastian Schweinsteiger’s box-to-box attributes would go some way to addressing Manchester United's midfield problems, which has struggled since the 2008 Moscow final.

Best goal?

Wayne Rooney’s vs. Manchester City. The occasion, the technique, the fact that Rooney was playing wretchedly and it turned out to be the winner. You could only dream of scoring that on FIFA.

Biggest tosser?

Wayne Rooney. Obliterated the myth that he genuinely revered his adopted club when he (and Paul Stretford) fluttered their eyelashes at Manchester City.

Player’s tweet of the season?

“Phil shall I ask Ian if he will sing 'Mersey Paradise ' for you!” Gary Neville to brother and Everton captain Philip, on news that Ian Brown would be singing at his testimonial.

Most inspired chant?

“City are a joke, City are a joke, we’ve got Barca and they’ve got Stoke” at Ewood Park obliterated any desperation by desperately love-struck journalists trumpeting the merits of the terminally-ill FA Cup.

Best laugh you had all season?

Being informed by a Tottenham steward that I would be ejected for flicking a V-sign at Peter Crouch, who had shown five fingers to signify five European Cups he didn’t win at one of his 10 clubs.

How do you plan to get through the summer without football?

European Under-21 Championships, festivals and a harmless coma. Not necessarily in that order.

Any other news?

It’s time to set in motion the German model being adopted in England. Safe-standing, great atmospheres and affordable ticket prices await.

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