I had no intentions doing this live blog of Manchester United v Barcelona, then some dodgy meatballs and an inspired tweet by the gaffer made me think again...
21.36 - No point me banging on anymore. Thanks for popping in. I'll leave you with @HarryFlowers "Engraver at work "FERGUSON IS A C*NT"
21.35 - I feel a bit like Man United, up against the big fleet street beasts on their fast connection with an army of workies to get them facts, carry their water etc.
21.30 - Leyth_Princess (on a throne of special brew tinnies) is in the house @owenblackhurst "barca bringing Brian may on they are that confident.."
21.29 - Going back to what Balluge said before, one of the top three side of all-time. Ok, so Ajax mid-70s, Real with Di Stefano, Liverpool under Paisley, United under Busby, AC with Van Basten etc, who i've missed and are they as good or better. This will be the second big cup they've won
21.25 - Thanks again to @twgreaney 'Kristof van Hout - 2.08m - (6ft10) Belgian Goalkeeper who plays for the Belgium Jupiler League club, Standard Liege.'
21. 24 @twgreaney "Barca deserve better than being given the trophy by Nick "The Pr*ck" Clegg." Could there be a bigger disparity between the talent receiving and the talent giving?
21. 21 - Feel for my stepson, normally I spend football matches answeing his questions. He just hit me with "who is the tallest goalie ever". The he called Giggs 'Granddad Giggs..."
21.19 - Scholes on the best tweet of the night goes to Mudhutter "That little f*cker Xavi was probably passing £8 burgers through the serving hatch at half time such is his omnipotence"
21.16 Point made from the spanish fella who is always on TV "United are the 2nd or 3rd strongest team in the world (Madrid the other). Barcelona are one of the top three sides ever."
21.13 - The shaved bear is angry, worth a tenner on United getting a man sent off. Barca are so good that even when they miss a pass someone else has ran into the space to pick it up.
21.10 - Well that is just ridiculous. Was just writing a paean to Messi and Villa does that, perfect technique. Van Der Sar looked like a female Mouse who'd seen a tom cat with a full rager...
21.09 - Now Corden is at it "I'd love Michael Owen to come on and get the equaliser." WHY? @keithwildman once said that he would like to see corden get r*ped by a grizzly bear.
21.04 This is how big a tw*t Piers Morgan is, rather than watch the football, he is trying to get #messicre trending. Cupboard-faced tw*tbag. Twitter was ace before c*nts like him got involved. If I was him I'd be eating truffles and giving celia the time of her life
21.00 - My internet going officially mental, stepson has somehow morphed from a sweet kid into a ritalin deprived lunatic and I can't keep up with the tweets. Enjoy tonight, because I WILL NEVER be live blogging again. Can't relax, I've got a picture of dave lee's peas to upload, should definitely mention @HarryFlowers as he knows his stuff and OOOH that's late from carrick.
20.56 - Well shaft me sideways. Evra at fault for both goals, Taggart will be going mental and there definitely will be a murder tonight. That weird thing just happened again when it all went blank.
20.53 - Tyler just said 'magical runs'. I had those on acid once at Glasto. My sh*t looked like rivers of melted down blackpool rock.
20.50 - BTW, you have no idea the terrible tweets I'm saving you from. DJ Spoony, Phil Neville, Mirror Football, hang your heads
20.48 - Every now and again, when I refresh this, the whole post disappears. Imagine how Tolstoy would've felt if his manuscript to the long one had blown away and you're still nowhere near the pain I feel.
20.45 - If you care what I think tactically, it's essentially going to form. No-one keeps the ball like barca, no one harries like United and can score when they seem least likely to. Interestingly, the secret to Barcelona's success is 'Rondos' basically piggy in the middle, they start with it every day. Last week training the under-9s, I got told this was a bit 'outdated' by one dad, this is the same bloke who asked me why we 'f*nny about with it at the back instead of just booting it.'
20.43 That man @davelee1968, spitting peas at the tele, is unstoppable tonight. "More perceptive half time analysis of the game from Ray Winstone in the bet365 ad than from the ITV pundits."
20.40 - I'm not saying I know more than Gary Neville about football (I do) but I reckon if you slung me £20,000 and asked me to say I INSTEAD OF WE I could manage it. Who knows, Souness might snap and belt him. Jeff Stelling looks terrified about something.
Half-time: I'm going to have to do this differently in the second-half. Thing is, we've now got this live blog plug in but are all scared to use it. In fact, we've been told not to because we could break the internet. I will be smoking at half-time by the shed, any tweets about the idiot-fest on either channel greatly appreciated
20.29 - This is what I'm after - @davelee1968, shedded on peas and plonk. "The ref looks like a bloke I used to work with who was rumoured to have humped a chicken. Fact."
20.26 - If Barcelona had scored that short free-kick I\d have wet me gusset. Valdes sweeping well for Barca but you know that, Missus has just left with a muttered something about 'I'll be back late...' I'm dying for a fag. Stepson thinks I've given up, hid my baccy under the bed last year. Imagine Kai Rooney doing the same in ten years, he'd have it easier though, he could pass it to the octagenarian brass who live sin the wardrobe.
20.24 - Stepson just called Ji-Sung Park a 'scary Japanese Man' don't have the heart to tell him about the dog bothering
20.22 - Joey Barton has just claimed Xavi is literally on a different planet, Lord sugar and Piers Morgan continue the Trans Atlantic p**sing contest and I forgot to link to @twgreaney and his ace columns. Here it is
20.19 - Like a scene from the Brothers Grimm, a shaved bear romps through the static forest and slots home. Game on.
20.17 - I remember a couple of years ago a fellow Liverpool fan said he wouldn't swap Gerrard for Xavi. I told him then he was an idiot. It doesn't matter how many men you have in midfield , you can't get it off him
20.14 - Notice @AdamClery who 'definitely' couldn't do this is now tweeting tactics. Saying that, I don't blame him.
20.12 - Carved to pieces, knife through butter, ripped to shreds. Xavi might look as much fun as genital herpes but he can pass like a ba****d. United have to go at it now, game could open up, they could get hammered, I will be on a train to the north for some of dave lee's peas and wine
20.10 - Top Brass conspicuous by their absence this evening. The gaffer has obviously melted after his seventh packet of biscuits and as for @mattweiner, he's 'visiting relatives'. I've never known a man with so many relatives
20.08 - Got to admire these live bloggers, i've seen nothing and wrote less. Our most popular piece today has been 'why you should hate united and cheer barca...'
20.03 - Jesus wept, Hull is on the up. @davelee1968 is eating pod peas and drinking rioja. What next, a Geordie with a library card?
20.01 - @twgreaney is back (btw if you haven't read his ace englishman in new york columns then do it here, much more interesting...) "I'm here. I've money on Michael Owen to score the last goal and tomorrow I'm gonna put money on Berbatov to return to Spurs."
20.00 - Out of the mouth of babes. "If Man United score I'm going to bed, their fans will annoy me too much."
19.58 - Park sticking to Messi like a dog to the inside of a hot wok here.
19.55 - Similar start to two years ago, United up and at it and pressuring Valdes into kicking long which he rarely has to do. Chocolate caravans, by the way, are lovely.
19.54 - Proof that only @davelee1968 is with me ... "I'd like to say Giggs is playing well but I'm a little scared of the consequences."
19.52 - Dog and child, possibly forced into wearing that attire.
19.50 - Commentators saying nothing, Hernandez already ran more than Berbatov would've all season. Stepson eating a chocolate caravan he made yesterday at a party. Dog pining.
19.48 - Two tweets, is that it? Already regretting doing this.
19.46 - Oh, and they've kicked off. Feel sorry for Berbatov. I don't actually, can't stop thinking of him necromancing around the bowels of wembley like a poor-mans peter cushing
19.45 THIS JUST IN FROM AMERICA by @twgreaney US coverage a shambles "They are shaking hands before the game which is opposite to what we do in Hockey."
19.43 - Just spent six minutes trying to get a barca scarf on the dog, pic to follow. @davelee1968 has been watching in my absence "As usual P*ss Toby Jug Face and ITV have managed to conspire to tell us f*ck all of use between the endless ads.
19.37 - Rohan Ricketts has just tweeted his prediction. Bet on it, we all went on holiday last time. 2-1 barcelona he reckons. Hernadez / messi and villa
19.35 - Right, I'm off up the apple to get changed into something more comfortable. Had a massive Lemon Tart with vanilla ice-cream and have done a button. Has that theme tune stopped yet?
19.34 - The Google spiders have picked me up. Hello to Kazakhstan.
19.31 - I still haven't seen anything, but I bet Fergie looks like the b**tard son of Rumpole of the Bailey and Nora Batty. Am I right?
19.29 - Is anybody there?
19.27 - I haven't seen any TV yet. Can't watch ITV, not with the 'toby jug brimming with hot, steaming p*ss' on there.' And apparently Roy Keane is knocking about. Tweet me @owenblackhurst and email owen@sabotagetimes if you can be a*sed. If not, have a good night.
19.25 - A couple of disclosures before I head upstairs via a fag. I don't support Manchester United, Barcelona's diving makes me want to puke and if you're after tactical analysis you might be in the wrong place. I'm gonna have my stepson screaming down my ear and the dog panting like a sixty-year old swinger in a PVC bikini.
19.22 - Sat on a sofa eating Bourbons somewhere in the south-east, the gaffer has just tweeted the Manchester United line-up. Breaking news: MUFC team for #CLFinal: Kuddant, Given, F*k, Hoo, Issin, Manou, Knight, Ed, Lineup, Bunchov, K*ntz #LUFC #twitterwhites. I've had to asterix out the best bits so this blog appears somewhere else which guarantees that it isn't just me and the dog reading it.
19.20 - I'm sat in my office, yards away from a TV and yet Twitter tells me that Manchester United and Barcelona are already on the pitch and that Messi is wearing lime green boots. None of this matters. What does matter is the meatballs I was just served in a local hostelry. Like golf balls they were, I showed the waiter and he agreed. Had to order the back-up salad so I wasn't sat there like a tool. Not happy.