Mark Hughes Resigns From Fulham, If He Joins Aston Villa I'll Jump Off A Cliff

So Gerard Houllier has gone and Mark Hughes has left Fulham, I don’t care. I don’t want him as Aston Villa manager…
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So Gerard Houllier has gone and Mark Hughes has left Fulham, I don’t care. I don’t want him as Aston Villa manager…

So Gerard Houllier has gone and Mark Hughes has left Fulham, I don't care. I don't want him as Aston Villa manager...

It starts with a ripping pain in the chest. There can be cold sweats, nausea and shortness of breath. In some acute cases victims may experience a sense of impending doom. These are just a few of the symptoms associated with supporting Aston Villa this season, so Christ knows how Gerard Houllier must have felt with his dissected aorta. The Aston Villa manager won’t be back in the dugout this term, but with his future uncertain, rumours of a replacement are rife. As a Villa fan whose heart is looking for any excuse to clap out, here are five managers I certainly don’t want to see at Villa Park.

Mark Hughes

If Mark Hughes had a twin brother (Clark Hughes, for argument’s sake), what’s the betting that they’d have emerged from the womb at exactly the same time, literally neck and neck, respectfully shaking hands as they came out? The post-birth press conference would have been a drab affair too, since Hughes has rather less charisma than a snipped umbilical cord. The truth is that while Sparky might have been an exciting player in his heyday, as a manager he’s as dull as a dry Ryvita sandwich. And with more drawing going on at Craven Cottage than at the Royal Academy of Arts, it’s easy to see why.

Likelihood: Sadly possible - Hughes would jump at the chance; Aston Villa fans would jump off a cliff.

Steve McClaren

No. Just, no. I don’t care about his failure to qualify for Euro 2008 with England. Or the fact that he had the temerity to stand under an umbrella while it pissed down with rain during his final match in charge (how dare the cheeky b*****d). Neither am I bothered about his dreadful spell with Wolfsburg in Germany. Of course, it’s the ridiculous Dutch accent, picked up while at FC Twente, that turns my blood to liquid nitrogen. If he can shamelessly make himself sound like Johan Cruyff after suffering a stroke, what mangled hybrid of the Brummie accent would this maniac come up with?

Likelihood: Shhurely not - it’shh imposhhible to conshhider hiring thishh total d**k.

It would be wholly inaccurate and unacceptable to suggest that his head resembles a shaved testicle that has been dipped in glue, dabbed in the wispy pile of shorn pubes...

Rafa Benitez

When he returned to Anfield with Villa, Gerard Houllier behaved like a knicker-wetting teenage girl who’d stumbled into Justin Bieber’s trailer. So just imagine what cringeworthy antics Rafa would get up to. Aside from not wanting to see another Villa manager nail his knakers to the This Is Anfield sign, I’ll never be able to forgive Rafa for the way he tapped up Gareth Barry and then failed to stump up the cash once it was agreed he could go. He might have had an impressive record before the wheels came off at Anfield, but if Randy Lerner thought he had trouble with Martin O’Neill’s questionable spending, the words ‘Alberto Aquilani’ should have the enigmatic American s******g splinters.

Likelihood: Could happen - plenty of rumblings in the press about this one, unfortunately.

Gary McAllister

Gary McAllister is to football management what the Austin Allegro was to the Great British automobile industry (bear in mind that early models had a rectangular steering wheel). Fans of Coventry City and Leeds United will know exactly what I’m talking about. Now Aston Villa supporters are witnessing his motorcycle-and-sidecar-accident-in-slow-motion style of management first-hand, as he takes control for the rest of the season. Training ground bust-ups with players are bad enough, what’s unforgivable is babbling nonsense to the press, clueless substitutions and getting players to lurch around the pitch like a somnambulant granddad with a full bladder.

Likelihood: Highly improbable - this bloke was turned down by Motherwell, for pity's sake.

Martin O’Neill

Ruthless litigator O’Neill has been known to sue media outlets that dare besmirch his carefully crafted image. So in no way could it be stated that his resignation from Villa five days before the start of the season was timed to cause maximum disruption. It’s possibly fair to say that he reached his level at Aston Villa, is tactically limited and probably incapable of going much further as a manager. But it would be wholly inaccurate and unacceptable to suggest that his head resembles a shaved testicle that has been dipped in glue, dabbed in the wispy pile of shorn pubes and finished off with a pair of nerdy glasses.

Likelihood: No way - more chance of seeing the photos of Obama using Bin Laden’s head as a pen rack on Flickr.

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