Real Madrid End Of Season Report: Carvalho Is King, Alonso Is A Tugboat...

Despite losing out to Barcelona for the really big prizes, Real Madrid fans should be looking forward to next season with glee. Unless we sign Adebayor, that is, in which case I'll throw myself off a cliff...
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Despite losing out to Barcelona for the really big prizes, Real Madrid fans should be looking forward to next season with glee. Unless we sign Adebayor, that is, in which case I'll throw myself off a cliff...

Despite losing out to Barcelona for the really big prizes, Real Madrid fans should be looking forward to next season with glee. Unless we sign Adebayor, that is, in which case I'll throw myself off a cliff...

The I f*cking love this game highlight of the season?

CR7’s powerful header to win the Copa del Rey in extra time against Barcelona. Call it anti-futbol, call it ugly, call it what you like. I call it beating the ‘greatest team ever’ and winning a trophy.

The season ticket shredding moment?

If I had a season ticket for Real Madrid I wouldn’t shred it. But every time Emmanuel Adebayor ran on the pitch, it felt very wrong. Real Madrid have had forwards like Di Stefano, Puskas, Santillana, Butragueno, Sanchez, Raul, Brazilian Ronaldo..then this oversized one-man argument factory arrives seemingly intent on kicking people instead of the ball. Madness.

Moment that just about summed it all up?

Full-time whistle in the Copa del Rey final- a tactical, tight 1-0 win in a big match. Barcelona looked gutted. Jose is king.

Got the right manager?

A thousand times yes.

Player of the season?

Ricardo Carvalho. Brought a sense of calm, gift for the ‘filth’ and impeccable positioning to a role which had hitherto been too difficult/overwhelming for Walter Samuel and Fabio Cannavaro.  Marcelo has earned respect too. Plus CR7’s 50 goals (and counting) for the season deserve a special mention.

Muppet of the season?

Might be controversial, but Xabi Alonso. Slower than a tugboat full of elephants and guilty of attempting Hollywood passes that rarely come off. Often caught in possession and ponderous. Good beard though.

Sergio Ramos using a bus to engrave the Copa del Rey was funny too. Ramos is an athletic, flexible, brave and streetwise defender. But a very dim man.

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer?

Accept the sad truth that Kaka is on the wane and move him on. Bring in a speedy centre-forward (Carlos Tevez/Sergio Aguero) and another creative midfielder to take the burden off Ozil. Maybe a toughman defender to offer Carvalho companionship…Mr. Vidic, do you like Spain?

Best goal?

Angel Di Maria against Spurs. Fair enough it was only against Michael Dawson and Gomes, but was still a left-footed masterpiece. If I could even score a curling top far corner rocket like that on the Playstation I’d have a three-day street party.

Biggest tosser?

It has to be Sergio Busquets. He is built like a basketball player but is always on the floor rolling around and crying. Most teams do it these days, but Busquets gets my disapproval because he is a big lad. Dani Alves deserves a dishonourable mention. With such bad acting he could be in Eastenders.

Most inspired chant?

‘Barca, cabron, salud al campeon’ Not eloquent, but very satisfying after the Copa del Rey. It means ‘Barca you c***s, salute the champion’

Best laugh you had all season?

Spurs at the Bernabeu was comical. Their fans bleeted: “if Crouch had stayed on we’d have had a chance.” Get a grip. Sergio Ramos using a bus to engrave the Copa del Rey was funny too. Ramos is an athletic, flexible, brave and streetwise defender. But a very dim man.

How do you plan to get through the summer without football?

The beauty of modern football is that it never goes away. There is summer football these days. The Copa America will be great this year.

Any other news?

Dimitar Berbatov and Adam Johnson both look like Sheldon from Channel 4 sitcom ‘The Big Bang Theory’

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