Spurs Fan: A Guide To Kane Etiquette And Modern Mason Manners
‘The Cult of Kane’ is no more. Harry Kane is a movement, an institution, the modern day embodiment of everything that is good about football, a throwback to a simpler time, “all hail Harry Kane King of The Lane and Ryan Mason the noble Prince of The Paxton Road”.
Whilst they may be vastly underrated on FIFA 15 these two local boys have won the hearts of me and my fellow Hardluck Hotspurs Fans. But it’s not as simple as just turning up and singing “he’s one of our own”. There’s an etiquette to supporting Harry Kane and Ryan Mason that would make Debretts blush.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you The Brooks Guide to Harry Kane Etiquette and Modern Mason Manners (based on eavesdropping on the bloke who sits behind me at Spurs)…
Harry Kane and Ryan Mason have the privilege of only being referred to by their full name, “well done Harry Kane” as opposed to “f*cking hell Soldado”, “Why are you so sh*t Lamella?” or “Who exactly is Stambouli?”. It is not enough to simply refer to our beloved hero’s as just Kane and Mason. When these two are on the pitch you know respect is due. So, full name please and might I suggest you start adding Sir to that as well.
Every time Harry Kane does anything worthy of praise, which is always for simply being Harry Kane, you must turn to your fellow supporter, tap your nose and say something along the lines of “I think we are looking at the next England centre forward”. You must say this in a tone that suggests that you are privy to information that nobody else knows about and smile with the smug glee you are entitled to for having recognized the brilliance of Harry Kane before Roy Hodgson.
After every pass Ryan Mason successfully completes it is your duty as a Spurs fan to point out that he’s 23, he’s been at Spurs for a really long time and that you can’t believe he’s only getting his chance now.
Young or old we’ve seen some pretty special things as Spurs fans. Be it the majesty of Hoddle, the imperious Gareth Bale sending traumatized Maicon to the nearest taxi rank and most recently a rabona. Just be aware, all of these sights pale in comparison to that of Harry Kane running after anything he can chase.
Any chance you get, point out that Kane and Mason are homegrown talents and didn’t cost Spurs a penny. You’ll probably be the first Spurs fan to do that and will look really clever.
Like forgetting to wear a hat at Ascot or turning up to the Queens Cup in jeans, failure to observe this simple etiquette should result in a swift exit from The Lane.