Stoke City Supporters Are Treacherous Dogs

And their team are no better, what with treating Lampard, Cole and Terry like pantomime villains and tackling like psychos...
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And their team are no better, what with treating Lampard, Cole and Terry like pantomime villains and tackling like psychos...

If there's one thing I've learned this week, it's that football is a serious business – damned serious. The people want their football articles dry, informative, and dull as shit, so it shouldn't have come as much of a surprise that when writing a season preview for my beloved Chelsea – that eschewed the traditional qualities of informativeness and sobriety – I fell foul of Sabotage Time's eloquent and witty commentators. Some of the comments were harsh: 'This article was the biggest heap of shit I've ever read', read one; 'Holy shit, this is shocking' went another; followed by 'Of all of the 245 newspaper and blog previews I've read of Chelsea, this is the least informative that I ever read'. Actually those are the only comments anyone's left so far. But I've learned my lesson, and to make sure that I don't draw the opprobrium of this esteemed site's army of well-informed football fanatics, I'll have to make sure I get this bugger nailed down, and nailed down tight. So taking into account the seriousness of the matter – and it is very serious indeed, remember – here's what your humble writer learned from Sunday afternoon's war attrition at the Britannia Stadium:

Stoke City fans are a pack of treasonous dogs

You'd think that after everything John Terry, Frank Lampard and Ashley Cole have done for the England national team, Stoke fans would be more appreciative of seeing them grace their pointless little backwater. Instead each of them – symbols of international excellence, may I remind you – was subjected to the sort of abuse I wouldn't wish on my mother-in-law. Boos, whistles, and cat calls rained down on them from the first whistle to the last, as well as repeated cries of 'wanker' and 'shit'; it's a sad day for the realm when the whole country has to hear such poisonous abuse directed at three national treasures. I can only attribute such an outrage to Stoke having been invaded and annexed by the treacherous Welsh, another group whose outrageous anti-Englishness should see them all publicly flogged, then ground into cat food. Either that or having to live in Stoke has embittered them to such a degree that they scarcely feel English any more – understandable, when you think about it.

Their team are no better

I can only assume that the brutal tactics used by the Potters yesterday have been brought in by their new Welsh rulers, who are starved for quality rugby. Watching them import such agricultural methods into the beautiful game – long kicks for territorial advantage, eight players holding a line of defence, and even a rudimentary version of the line-out – and while I can understand keeping the play basic so as to not confuse simpletons like Jermaine Pennant, I hope this ghastly experiment comes to a quick end.

Stoke would thump one of our players up in the air once they even thought about going into the box, and then crash the ball out, straight to one of our centre backs: rinse, repeat.

Andre Villas-Boas, football genius

It's a mark of what a great coach Andres Villas-Boas is that he's managed make a player of an adolescent girl who was playing for us last season. Last year she barely justified her place in the team, despite being such a trailblazer for women's rights, but today she held the ball up well, picked out the right passes and even nearly set a goal up – eat that, primitive sexists. It was also nice to see that despite being confronted with a frail female, Stoke's defenders didn't hold back on the psychopathic tackling from behind: all in all, it was a good day for equality. Also, it was also nice to see that the new man has brought some tactical flexibility back to the side, making substitutions and everything: maybe he is just like José Mourinho after all.

Chelsea still lack creativity

For most of the second period Chelsea were camped in the Stoke half, passing the ball around, slowly, in front of the City defence. Stoke would thump one of our players up in the air once they even thought about going into the box, and then crash the ball out, straight to one of our centre backs: rinse, repeat. It's clear that Chelsea don't have any real creativity in the final third, so any well-drilled team like Stoke are going to be able to soak up the pressure easily.

OR

Stoke are really good at the back

For most of the second period Chelsea were camped in the Stoke half, passing the ball around, slowly, in front of the City defence. Stoke would thump one of our players up in the air once they even thought about going into the box, and then crash the ball out, straight to one of our centre backs: rinse, repeat. It's clear that Chelsea don't have any real creativity in the final third, so any well-drilled team like Stoke are going to be able to soak up the pressure easily.

Everyone should just give up now, because Manchester United are going to win the league

It's that simple, really, isn't it?

(With grovelling apologies to David Stubbs)

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