The Good Year/Bad Year Football Awards, Part 1

Well what a year that was; a World Cup, Blackpool in the Premier League, Redknapp going mental and Sepp Blatter being a right old c***...
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Well what a year that was; a World Cup, Blackpool in the Premier League, Redknapp going mental and Sepp Blatter being a right old c***...

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

And the winner is…

David Villa

Spain wouldn’t have won the World Cup without him. Xavi, Alonso, Puyol and Iniesta were vital, but they could have lost one of them and still won. Villa pulled them out of the shit, scored wonder goals, ran like a dog and made the absence of Torres easy to take.

Honourable mentions…

Lionel Messi

Statistically, there’s only a Gnat’s wanger between him and Ronaldo in 2010 and there will always be people who argue for both. Surely, though, after his performance in the 5-0 slaughter of Madrid, the debate has ended. Only misses out to Villa on international performances.

Gareth Bale

From an also-ran to a pedigree in 12 months, Bale would walk into any team in the world with the possible exception of Barcelona. Runs like an Olympian, finishes like a Brazilian and crosses like Beckham. All while looking like the lovechild of Bubbles the Chimp and the slimy fucker out of The Dark Crystal.

TEAM OF THE YEAR

And the winner is…

Spain

Ok, so we expected them to win, but apart from when it is Brazil that never happens. Showed they could mix grit and tika-taka and will be the team to beat for the next four years.

Honourable mentions…

Inter Milan

Don’t cry for us Barcelona, we’re afraid that Inter shade it for winning the Champions League with a team of journeymen and big lumps. Barcelona are clearly the best team to watch, but Inter stopped them playing and for that they deserve the award.

Tottenham Hostpur

Not just for getting into the Champions League nor merely for a commitment to attacking football that would make Ossie Ardiles blush, but for protecting the Premier League. In holding off Man City to claim fourth spot they ensured City would be shopping at a level below genuine world class for another year at least.

THE JOSE MOURINHO MANAGER OF THE YEAR AWARD

And the winner is…

Vicente Del Bosque

The man treated like a rotting dog by the Madrid board won the World Cup for fucks sake. Looks like Rene from Allo Allo and also the sort of bloke who spends an hour on the throne and would eat the entrails of a live pig. Well done him.

Honourable mentions…

Ian Holloway/Jose Mourinho/Harry Redknapp/Pep Guardiola

For playing tika-taka with BLACKPOOL, winning the big cup, making Spurs brilliant and for his services to beautiful football.

THE TONY YEBOAH GOAL OF THE YEAR AWARD

James Burrows – Glentoran

And the winner is…

Look, there have probably been better goals but for making FIFA look elsewhere but the big leagues deserves a mention. This chap probably works in a chippie, but scored with a flying backheel. Ace goosebump inducing stuff.

Honourable mentions…

Too many to be honourable about, but we loved Tevez’s screamer in the World Cup, any team goal by Barcelona, Varney’s lob for Blackpool and Ronaldo’s ridiculous disallowed strike for Portugal. Let the comments commence.

THE KENNY 'FUCKING' POWERS CAST IRON C*** AWARD

And the winner is…

Sepp Blatter

Everything that is wrong with football is crystalised in this odious, corrupt little shitbag. Seems intent on taking international football the same way as club football. Terror Cunt.

Honourable mentions…

Mike Ashley

We’re not going to pretend that Chris Hughton is a managerial genius, but he was doing the best job he could with the resources available. Mike Ashley is a corpulent, smarmy, unblinking thundercunt.

Sepp Blatter's parents

In the words of Jeremy Kyle, "put something on the fucking end of it..." Could also to extend to grandparents, ancestors and the primordial soup from whence we all sprung. Unknowing cunts.

THE ROY KEANE 'TAKE THAT YOU C***' SWEARY RANT AWARD

And the winner is…

Harry Redknapp vs Rob Palmer

The Sky Sports man opened his interview with “you made you’re name as a wheeler and dealer?” Harry gently reminded Rob that he’s actually “a fucking football manager”.

Honourable mentions…

Antonio Cassano vs Riccardo Garrone

The midget with a face like a King Edward potato after a meeting with a spud-gun called Sampdoria president, Riccardo Garrone, an “old piece of shit” when asked to attend an awards dinner. Despite apologising and offering to “drink a glass of president Riccardo Garrone petrol” he was forced out the club, and has joined fellow tossers Ibrahimovich, Robinho and Ronaldinho at Milan.

Wayne Rooney vs England Fans

Out of form and possibly missing £10 hand-jobs, Wazza opines "Nice to see ya own fans boo ya, that's what loyal support is…" following the turgid 0-0 draw with Algeria during the World Cup. Then I’m pretty sure he tells us all to fuck off.

THE MARTIN O'NEILL TOUCHLINE HISTRIONICS AWARD

And the winner is…

Sorin Cartu

The CFR Cluj manager for going ten-gallons batshit mental and kicking the shit out of the dug out.

Honourable mentions…

Jose Mourinho

For celebrating like a Portugese waiter who’s just found the chef’s stash of crack after securing a place in the Champions League final - ‘forcing’ Barcelona’s groundsman to turn the sprinklers on him.

Diego Maradona

For treating the technical areas in South Africa like the sweaty dancefloor in a Camorra-run nightclub.

THE MICHAEL BARRYMORE PANTOMIME VILLAIN OF THE YEAR AWARD

And the winner is…

Luis Suarez

For playing monkey rush goalkeeper in the final seconds against Ghana in the quarter-finals of the World Cup and celebrating like he’d actually won it. Wanker.

Honourable mentions…

Mario Balotelli

For wearing an AC Milan shirt while still on the books at Inter. The way things have started at Man City, he’s a shoo-in for the 2011 award.

Peter Storrie

The chief executive might have overseen the implosion of Portsmouth FC but - in his defence - at the end his salary was “less than £500,000”. As his missus put it “The only thing Peter is guilty of is trying to be a hero. We've been living a nightmare."

THE TERRY HURLOCK NOT THAT TYPE OF PLAYER AWARD

And the winner is…

Ryan Shawcross

Two years after breaking Franny Jeffers ankle with a shocker, Shawcross ‘mistimed’ a 30/70 challenge that left Aaron Ramsey’s lower leg looking like an allen key. Plenty of people jumped to the Stoke stoppers defence, and the ungracious Ramsey (the villain of the piece) even had the gall to suggest it could have been avoided.

Honourable mentions…

Nigel De Jong

Kung Fu kicked to Xabi Alonso in the chest during the World Cup final, and followed it four months later by destroying Hatem Ben Arfa’s leg. Imagine if he was ‘that type of player’.

Karl Henry

Sent off twice in first 11 games this season, admitted he likes kicking people AND made people feel sorry for Joey Barton by booting lumps out of him for 90 minutes.

THE HEARTFELT CAMPAIGN AWARD

And the winner is…

The Scallyban for ousting the yanks

The marches, the Internet terrorism and that cringe inducing video.

Borussia Dortmund Fans

For returning 1,500 of a possible 6,000 tickets for their derby against Schalke in protest at a rise in ticket prices. Didn’t change anything, mind, but it beats a few emails and a lively march from the boozer to the ground.

BBC vs Fifa

So committed were Auntie Beeb to exposing corruption in football’s governing body they were prepared to forego England hosting the World Cup.

Click here for The Good Year/Bad Year Football Awards, Part 2

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