The Good Year/Bad Year Football Awards, Part 2

This was the year that Gazza had his chicken, Italy played well for 10minutes, Rohan Ricketts emerged as the most erudite footballer in the world and Paul Merson told us that 'something has gone on'.
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This was the year that Gazza had his chicken, Italy played well for 10minutes, Rohan Ricketts emerged as the most erudite footballer in the world and Paul Merson told us that 'something has gone on'.

BEST TEN MINUTES OF FOOTBALL AWARD

And the winner is…

Italy vs Slovakia

2-0 down against Slovakia after 80 minutes, the reigning champs found that elusive Italian forward gear to score before conceding, and then scoring one of the goals of the tournament through Quagliarella.

Honourable mentions…

Arsenal vs Barcelona

There are no superlatives left for Barca, but, alongside the 5-0 demolition of Real, the opening salvo of this match was them at their incredible best. Bring on the rematch.

Manchester Utd vs Manchester City

It was meant to signal the changing of the guard. The Citizens went to Old Trafford 2-1 up after the 1st leg of the League Cup semi-final. City were staring down the barrel of a 2-0 defeat until Tevez scored late on to start ten minutes of bedlam. Squeaky Bum time ensued until Rooney headed the winner in injury time.

GRAEME LE SAUX CONTRIBUTION TO PUNDITRY AWARD

And the winner is…

Alan Shearer

For describing Newcastle’s Hatem Ben Arfa - the French international and title winner with Marseille who was playing for the team Shearer had managed 18 months before hand – as "a young lad who's come in, no one really knows a good deal of him".

Honourable mentions…

Paul Merson

For his laser sharp insight into the behind the scenes shenanigans following Martin O’Neill’s hasty departure from Aston Villa five days before the start of the season. With the sort of sagacity only an ex pro can give he volunteered “you look at it and you’ve got to think something’s gone on there”.

Edgar Davids

Surly, uninformative and bored. One of the many things that ruined the World Cup. Sent to Crystal Palace as punishment.

NICK CLEGG U-TURN OF THE YEAR

And the winner is…

Milan Mandaric

Speaking of Leicester manager Paulo Sousa on September 30th “we can't turn things upside down now, for goodness sake. Now is the time to show how united we are behind Paulo Sousa, not to listen to media speculation. It is as simple as that." He sacked Sousa the next day.

Honourable mentions…

The Sun

For their arse kissing open letter to Sepp Blatter the day before the World Cup 2018 decision then claiming they always knew it was a fix the day after.

Strikers in Manchester

Rooney and Tevez. Two short, ugly, money-grabbing whores who played with the emotions of fans for a few extra quid.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE CHEERLEADER OF THE YEAR AWARD

And the winner is…

Andy Gray

For trying to convince everyone the Premier League can’t be beaten with the classic, “Messi would struggle in a cold night at the Britiannia Stadium,” days before Chris Baird put Stoke to the sword with a brace.

Honourable mentions…

David Beckham

Effortlessly combining style and despair on England’s bench in South Africa.

Zinedine Zidane

Qatar’s biggest fan. Well for their 2022 World Cup bid anyway.

BERNARD MATTHEWS SERVICES TO POULTRY AWARD

And the winner is…

Paul Gascoigne

For showing up in the biggest manhunt in eons with a can of lager, a fishing rod and some chicken to coax his ‘mate’ Moaty down.

Honourable mentions…

Graham Taylor

For showing solidarity with Sam Allardyce following his sacking by processed chicken magnates Venky and boycotting poultry this Christmas. Bet he ate all his turnips...

International Football Medicine Conference

For warning teams they could fall foul of Fifa’s anti doping laws if they used chicken related witchcraft at the World Cup. I mean, how could they prove it for a start?

THE MICHAEL FISH 'DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING' AWARD (WORLD CUP SPECIAL)

And the winner is…

All of Nike’s Players Being Shit

Having put together arguably the best World Cup advert ever in 'Write The Future’, all of the stars went onto have a bastard of a tournament. Didier Drogba was injured, Cannavaro left the pitch in tears following the holders exit at the group stage, Ronaldinho didn’t even make the Brazil squad, Frank Ribery received a three-match ban for his part in France's World Cup meltdown, CR7 was let down by his manager and team and as for Wayne Rooney…

Honourable mentions…

Paul The Octopus

An octopus knows more about football than every pundit in the world. A fucking octopus.

Germany

Show me someone who said Joachim Löw‘s young German side would be the most exciting expansive side at South Africa 2010 and I’ll show you Pinocchio’s cousin.

THE NOTW SUPER INJUNCTION OF THE YEAR AWARD

John Terry

JT went miles out of his way to suppress the story of his (do we still have to say alleged?) dalliance with Wayne Bridges ex Vanessa Perroncel. You can see why it ended up costing him the England captaincy, shit from every fan in the country and a handshake from Wayne Bridge. Chin up John.

Honourable mentions…

Removed for legal reasons.

THE SPECTACULAR FALL FROM GRACE AWARD

And the winner is…

Rafa Benitez

Ok, so it had gone sour at Liverpool, but he was brave enough to fuck his own job by speaking out against Hicks and Gilette and start a chain of events that led to their eventual removal. But by following Mourinho at Inter he set himself up for the hardest of falls and, also, can probably now never manage his beloved Real Madrid. 80% of LFC fans would have him back tomorrow.

Honourable mentions…

Dutch Total Football

In 1974 Holland wowed the world with their fluid interchange of positions and passing. This year they played a rigid 4-2-3-1 and relied on some Arjen Robben magic or a Wesley Schneider deflected goal. Total Football’s architect Rinus Michels must’ve shat his coffin.

Wayne Rooney

For the first four months of the year, the boy crossed out of school photos for scaring the juniors was the best player in the world. An ankle injury, another prostitute scandal and a shocking World Cup later and he makes Berbatov look like Di Stefano. White Pele my arse.

MORE THAN ONE STRING TO YOUR BOW AWARD

And the winner is…

Stephen Bywater

The average goalkeeper turned average artist with a post-apocalyptic-cum-bad acid trip hippie caravan in his garden. It was shit. Uber-shit.

Clarke Carlisle

Proving all footballers aren’t thick as pig shit with a creditable turn on Countdown.

Kieran McAnespie

The former Scotland U21 international returns to football after a stint as a cameraman and producer for satellite porn channel Babestation.

TWIT (TERER) OF THE YEAR

And the winner is…

Rohan Ricketts

Yeah he’s our mate, but if you can find a more honest, erudite and thinking footballer then you’re much better than us.

Honourable mentions…

Robbie Savage

It’s a long held suspicion that Savage could start a fight in an empty chat room but the prematch rabble rousing videos he tweets are a thing of beauty.

Rio Ferdinand

Rio’s problem is that isn’t as self-deprecating as Savage, and often looks like the thinks he his prime minister. Having recently stopped the text speak, he blotted his feed by siding with @LordSugar against @PiersMorgan in their Twitter war. Three rich cunts who should know better. Go on holiday for fucks sake, by a car, just don’t clog our feed with your ‘banter’.

Click here for The Good Year/Bad Year Football Awards, Part 1

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