The Premier League In Numbers: Pies, Affairs, Flowers And Gravedigging

Look, we know this is a bit late, but it has taken us two weeks to whittle it down to a list that can be navigated with a coffee rather than a crate...
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Look, we know this is a bit late, but it has taken us two weeks to whittle it down to a list that can be navigated with a coffee rather than a crate...

Compiled by Joseph Mackertich, Owen Blackhurst, Stephen Tudor, Tom Law, Rob Clyne and Alex Berwick...

0 The shape of Vincent Kompany's head

0 Eyebrows owned by Everton manager David Moyes

0 – Number of flowers tended by Roberto Di Matteo during his brief enforced stint of ‘gardening leave’ in February. When did managers stop getting even the dignity of a straightforward sacking?

0 - Amount of headers won by Arsenal's Defence

0.5 - Combined distance in millimetres of Dirk Kuyt's hat-trick v Man U

1 - outfit owned by Tony Pulis

1 - Top speed of Robert Pires over 10 yards in MPH

1 - Number of women who like Andy Gray

2 – Tons of kryptonite that Stevie ‘Superman’ Ireland has evidently swallowed.

2 - Final position of Mick McCarthy in the national 2011 Christopher Lloyd look-a-like competition.

2 - Affairs by Man United players

2 The number of fans sad to see El Hadji Diouf leave the Premier League

3 - number of goalkeepers Arsenal need to sign next season

3.14159265 What Blackburn's David Dunn ate too much of

4 The amount of players in the Arsenal dressing room who secretly want to beat the shit out of Andrey Arshavin

6 - Times Spurs manager Harry Redknapp made eye contact with a fellow human being

7 – Amount of warts on Andy Townsend’s face. A 14% increase on last year’s five.

8 million – The number of occasions that the media mentioned Javier ‘Little Pea’ Hernandez’s bargain fee. Ferguson signs a decent player for under ten million? Well statistically it had to happen at some point.

9 - Touches of the ball by PFA Player of the Year Gareth Bale between January & May.

10 – Games that United would have lost before Christmas if the opposition had shown them even a fraction less respect and a touch more ambition.

10 - Nights Wazza spent on the sofa following the cheating allegations

11- Amount (in millions) it cost him on holidays, cars and pop tarts to make it up

12- Liverpool fans prepared to publicly admit that they are better without Steven Gerrard

17 - Number of graves Avram Grant will be able to dig, per day, upon his return to his day job next season.

17 The highest number that Ryan Shawcross can count up to

17 Average number of yawns stifled by Manchester Utd substitute Michael Owen during a game

24 - The number of Championship Teams playing in next seasons Europa League.

27 – Out of work managers who turned their phones off during January when it looked like West Ham were looking to replace Avram Grant.

29 - (Million) difference in price between Luis Suarez and Fernando Torres

30 - Value of Sandra Redknapp, in millions, following Darren Bent's move to Aston Villa.

43 – Minutes where Joe Cole appeared to be a good signing for Liverpool. One red card later, on the opening game of the season, and reality set in.

48 The Wii fitness age of Blackpool midfielder Charlie Adam

69 - Percentage higher Britain's National Debt would be if Yaya Toure stopped paying tax.

72 - Amount of players Tottenham attempted to sign in the last fifteen minutes of the January Transfer Window

72- Amount of players who pissed themselves at the thought of swapping Madrid, Milan and Porto for Chigwell

78 - Strands of hair lost by Alex McLeish during Survival Sunday

81 - Average number of days between shots on target by Birmingham's Cameron Jerome.

84 - Average number of Wigan fans at away games.

87 Percentage of Aston Villa fans who secretly realise the complete futility of their club’s existence

112 Millilitres of washing-up liquid which is left in the tank of the West Ham bubble blowing machine

120 - the number of times West Ham were caught offside

121 - the number of times West Ham got into the opposition half.

156 - Number of people Jose Mourinho blamed for Real Madrid's defeat to Barcelona. He wasn't one of them.

342 The degrees of rotation that West Bromwich Albion manager Roy Hodgson is able to swivel his head

346 - Number of times Roberto Mancini has said "This is football" in a post match interview

409 Number of hilarious wedgie based pranks carried out during Premiership training sessions

912 Times Robbie Savage mentioned that he’s great mates with Roberto Mancini

917 - Times Roy Hodgson rubbed his imaginary beard while Liverpool manager

999 - Number of tackles made by Nigel De Jong.

1,347 - Average number of passes attempted by Arsenal between shots.

1,844 Number of Liverpool shirts with Joe Cole lettering listed for sale on Ebay

2,015 - Number of managers Roman Abramovich will get through before Chelsea win the Champions League.

2984 – The amount of times Blackpool were referred to as ‘a breath of fresh air’. That’s nearly three thousand cliché-peddlers who clearly haven’t been to Blackpool recently.

17,516 Times painfully strained royalty based puns were used in reference to Kenny Dalglish

23,481 – The average amount of passes Arsenal made during each match.

76,000 - Number of Ryan Giggs Yoga DVD's bought by readers of Zoo Magazine in the last two weeks.

104,401 Number of dickheads who donned hi-tech sunglasses and stood in pubs to watch a 3D Premiership match

123,001 Internet forum references to Gareth Bale looking a bit like a monkey

143,500 - Approximate number of chickens slaughtered by Sam Allardyce following his sacking at Blackburn.

2,500,000 - Amount more passes completed by Xavi than by Stoke City.

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