Tottenham Hotspur End Of Term Report: There Is No God

It's been a season of ups and downs but ultimately it taught us that all teams need an Oil-Rich owner... for money really does get you success.
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It's been a season of ups and downs but ultimately it taught us that all teams need an Oil-Rich owner... for money really does get you success.


Tottenham Hotspur End Of Term Report: There Is No God

The 'I f*cking love this game' highlight of the season?

None really. I've never felt as disassociated with the sport I've loved for so many years as I do now. It has been a difficult season in more ways than one. Obviously the capitulation in February and March, and the failure not only to hold but to lose the 12 point lead over Arsenal were draining and played a part in making me feel miserable, but a creeping apathy for what football, and with it Tottenham Hotspur, has become is perhaps more distressing if I could any longer feel such emotion.

The screamer from Kyle Walker against the Scum was enjoyable, especially as their keeper (I can't spell his name) gives it all the time and should have saved it.

The season ticket shredding moment?

Jesus. Despite finishing fourth there were more than enough moments of utter misery. Getting spanked by Arsenal away was bad, getting slapped by Chelsea in the semi final of the FA cup was awful, getting done at home to City was terrible. Stoke away when referee Chris Foy, f**ked up royally. He was awful; I've never seen a performance so poor from a 'professional referee', who as it turned out, cost us our place in the Champions League this season. That was probably the most difficult to take.

The combination of Chelsea winning the Champions League and Man City winning the Premier League was particularly frustrating. Kind of that 'what's the point type' moments where you've finally bore witness to football dying; the crushing realisation that money really does get you success, and romance in football is a thing of the past.

Moment that just about summed it all up?

John Terry, who is probably a racist and cheats on his missus, whose Dad has been done for dealing cocaine, whose Mum is a shoplifter, whose brother had an affair with his team mate Dale Robert's fiancée, and as a result hung himselft, that John Terry lifting the Champions League trophy. Oh and he plays for a team followed by fans who thought it apt to chant 'Murderers, Murderers' during the minute's silence for those that died at Hillsborough. There really is no god.

Got the right manager?

Harry Redknapp is a good football manager. He gets his teams playing attractive and mostly effective football. And when things are going well he's likable, affable and a really 'triffic bloke. The problems arise when things are going against us. He does a number of things, the first is deferring blame to the players for not following his instruction despite his obvious failings in team selection and substitutions. And he loves having a go at the fans, often referring to us as 'them' and 'they' rather than 'we', which might suggest a club in unity during tough times. He loves a soundbite, never stops talking, and is only ultimately interested in his own agenda, which is probably to manage the England team. All of this is fine if that's the way 'Arry wants to manage, but the supporters realise what his game is. And as a result they turn on him very quickly. Despite sustained levels of performance: 4th, 5th, 4th placed finishes, there are many Spurs fans who want to see the back of him.

Player of the season?

Parker probably. He suffered towards the end of the season as he ran himself into the ground, but he gave us the steel in midfield that has been lacking for so long. Sandro, if he doesn't leave in the summer, will be more than capable of taking up that mantle next season.

Big shout goes out to Benoit Assou Ekotto. Everyone swoons over Bale, and he is a massive talent, but the left hand side has been largely Ekotto's responsibility since Bale was given his 'free-role'. He has done a fantastic job, and is massively underrated by most outside of Tottenham.

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer?

Not a great deal. The Redknapp/England job debacle was a major factor to the wheels falling off this season. If that hadn't happened I guess we would have been alright. You'd have to be insane to not to see that as soon as the speculation began we were awful and as soon as Hodgson was appointed we improved. So basically the FA are clueless dullards. Who knew?

Which player would you like to sign?

In a dream world a forward like Llorente... but we'll probably end up with Michael Owen as one of Harry's 'no-brainer' signings. The current Spurs team creates so many chances and we don't score enough goals. Adebayor had an excellent first season, and there was little of this 'lazy attitude' that Arsenal fans spoke so much of, but we relied heavily on his ability and had looked a little lost without him in the team.

Vertonghen looks like it's done, and with Caulker coming back from Swansea we're set for defenders.

Best goal?

Kyle Walker's freekick against Blackburn was amazing. I was sat at the opposite end of the stadium in lone with the post and I was convinced it was going out, but it swung back in and was ultimately unstoppable. Plus I knew he was in for a good shout as Fatty Robinson was in goal and I've seen him get beat from range more times than I've had erections.

Special mention goes to Ryan Nelsen's header against Bolton in the FA Cup. My brother had ?10 on him to score first at 29/1. We went mental. I can't remember celebrating a goal like that in my entire lifetime.

Biggest tosser?

Luka Modric. I'll never forget.

Best away pub?

Barrowboy and Banker for the FA Cup Youth Game away at Charlton on 16th February.

Best pie?


Best chant?

My name is Nicola Berit, I'm aged around thirty, I come from a team in Milan - Inter! - When I walk down the street all the people I meet, they say 'Oi Gorgeous, what's your name!?' My name is Nicola Berti...'

Player's tweet of the season?

Anything by Beniot Assou Ekotto. The man's a legend. I want to be his mate.

His constant goading of Spurs left back Danny Rose, whom he lives next door to, is hilarious.

Best laugh you had all season?

Arsenal losing 8-2 at Old Trafford.

The Tottenham Ultras event when we took a couple hundred Spurs fans to watch the under 18s play in the FA Youth Cup against Charlton is among my best moments as a Tottenham supporter. The bemused look on the Charlton fan's faces when we turned up making untold noise. 'You weren't expecting this, you weren't expecting this' was funny, imploring the young players to 'lunge' as they warmed up on the touch line was comical, but I reckon calling the Spurs Youth coach a 'paedo' was my favourite moment. I'm sure he isn't a paedophile. Apologies to the guy. He's doing a good job.

How do you plan to get through the summer without football?

It's a welcome relief; it always is at this point of the season. That said, come July I'll be clucking like everyone else. The worst bit about the summer is the constant transfer speculation. It's a nightmare and should be banned. There's nothing worse than going on forums and twitter and listening to people pretending to have links within the club say that we're about to make a signing that will shock the world... then nothing.

Additionally if any Spurs fans have nothing to do over the summer they can always listen to back episodes of The Fighting Cock

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