Transfer Deadline Day Live Blog: Heitinga Leaves Everton For Fulham, Ince To Crystal Palace

All of your transfer news right up until the window closes - replete with a generic featured image and everything...
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All of your transfer news right up until the window closes - replete with a generic featured image and everything...

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Transfer Deadline Day Live Blog: Scott Dann Signs For Crystal Palace

It's that time again. Clock-watching, refreshing a million half-baked news stories and #ITK Twitter profiles.

Ignore all that - here's @SamDiss with your complete guide to Arsenal's transfer deadline day, right up until it SLAMS SHUT (as windows are wont to do).

23:00 - WINDOW CLOSED AND JESUS WEPT THAT WAS SO DULL. I'm sure a few moves will come through between now and tomorrow morning because of clogged inboxes, bad mobile reception and incompetent bicycle couriers.

22:52 - DEAL DONE - Bit late on this one. Tom Ince signs for Crystal Palace on loan. ON LOAN, I SAID. Original, eh?

22:49 - DEAL DONE - Johnny 'Good At Fouling' Heitinga signs for Fulham on loan from Everton.

22:45 - DEAL DONE - Maïga to QPR on loan. Nobody cares. Not even Harry.

22:15 - *yawns* *stretches* Modibo Maïga might leave West Ham on loan for QPR. [Insert joke about Harry Redknapp's window]

22:09 - Clutching straws, now. Ex-West Ham target Belfodil has joined Livorno from Inter on loan.

22:00 - DEAL DONE: Ex-Arsenal gadabout Philippe Senderos is off to Valencia with his agent wanted for crimes of a witch or something, probably.

21:02 - DEAL DONE: Scott Dann signed for Crystal Palace from Blackburn on a three-and-a-half year deal. Remember when Dann nearly joined Chelsea? Long time ago (2011).

20:47 - DEAL DONE: Berbatov, the most Monaco-est player ever, joins Monaco on loan. Fun, right?

20:20 - I've seen Matrix sequels more exciting than this bloody transfer deadline day.

20:02 - SkySports are making a bloody big deal of this Jim White stuff. We hate him now.

20:01 - Looks like Nani will be staying at Man United. Moyes is 'confident' he'll stay - which either ACTUALLY means 'confident' or he wants an extra £4million on his fee. Also Nani is 27? Jesus. He hasn't aged well.

20:00 - Tom Ince has been the subject of another bid from Stoke. Imagine joining Lee Cattermole in the transfer window for a team. Illustrous company. (I heard Cattermole signs in blood)

19:59 - Kallstrom/Arsenal is a done deal. Armero/West Ham is a done deal. Chips with everything makes a fun meal.

19:57 - Are you serious? Nothing. WORST DEADLINE DAY EVER.

19:48 - Sorry I was in the pub longer than expected - what did I miss?

17:10 - Seriously? What the hell Fulham? BBC Sport are reporting that they're close to signing Real Madrid starlet Jese Rodriguez on loan. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING.

16:55 - 'Sky sources' say that Liverpool now fancy bagging Nacer Chadli off Spurs. Whoever is coming up with these stories is really clutching at straws right now.

16:36 - Kevin Doyle's signed for QPR from Wolves. This may possibly be the most boring window of all time. If it were an actual window I would contemplate throwing myself out of it. Here's him posing for his press shot:

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16: 30 - Avram Grant's been on SkySports news and the reception, on Twitter at least, has been 'mixed'. We'll say 'mixed' because we're not allowed to swear on here.

16:10 - Everyone is being SUPER coy about who has bid for Hoolahan - we're going for West Ham. Just because.

16:00 - Only seven hours until the window is closed and no one has bought Nani... Yet... (Probably won't, either)

15:35 - Nothing's happened. Everyone's either too deep in negotiation to leak stuff to the press or they're in the pub. I hope it's the pub. God, I really love the pub.

13:25 - Not all bad for the Hammers as they've signed erratic Colombian full-back Pablo Armero from Napoli. Swings and roundabouts, ain't it?

13:20 - So Fulham have officially signed Kostas Mitroglou, palming off advances from desperate West Ham. A shame for him, I guess - having to put up with Big Rene instead of Big Sam...

13:10 - Another player who could be heading out of Manchester and to Cardiff (is there an airline deal between the two or something?) is former golden boy Kiko Macheda. Remember him? We barely do.

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13:07 - SkyBet are reporting that the odds are even on Man United signing Toni Kroos. We are sceptical.

14:55 - Swansea have launched a bit for swarthy Spurs winger Nacer Chadli, a man who has done precisely nothing this season. (He's actually a very good player who would be a stellar signing for Swansea as Spurs look to set loose some of the AVB dead wood)

14:51 - Goal UK tweeted - "Sherwood: I've told Levy - 'No more signings' 

14:35 - Carlisle United have signed Man United academy players Charni Ekangamene and Sam Byrne and all the clubs must be out to lunch because it feels like nothing is happening.

14:22 - AC Milan with another bid for Leicester's Kasper Schmeichel - presumably the Rossaneri read the last part of his name first and already started dialling before they realised. Fair play to them for holding their nerve, like.

14:18 - What did people do before #TransferDeadlineDay was a thing? Did they just sit there and do their jobs like they do every other day of the year? God that sounds GREAT.

14:10 - Yep, Man City have rejected a loan move from Liverpool who, not content with having most of the physically perfect but technically incapable defenders in the league, clearly want to bolster up things. (via MailSport)

14:00 - Wait, just heard a weird one...

13:50 - Just popped to the loo - someone has thrown the squeezey-soap everywhere. Possibly an aggrieved Spurs fan. As yet unconfirmed.

13:43 - Italy might be continuing their trend of weird transfers by Juve and Inter with a rumoured swap of Arsenal target Vucinic and Chelsea target Fredy Guarin. Apart from the fact that they're totally different players - just how amazing is the food in Italy that they'd rather play in that bloody league than come to the Premier League?

13:37 - Okay nothing else is happening. What else is on?

13:33 - Back Of The Net tweeted: "Exclusive: The only thing standing in the way of Man United signing Andros Townsend is that the story is completely false."

13:30 - Still no confirmation on Mitrioglu deal to Fulham. Agent said West Ham had made 'higher bid' which means literally nothing because agents are lying scumbags.

13:24 - Someone just called a Jaffa Cake a biscuit and I flipped out. Just a 'me' update because so often the human element is lost on TDD.

13:20 - Jack Rodwell to Atleti has been mooted along with announcement that fashionable but a bit crap playmaker Diego Ribas will return to Madrid on loan at end of this season.

13:15 - Zouma signs for Chelsea, five-and-a-half-year deal BUT he's being loaned straight back. Hate moves like that - feels like such a cop out.

13:06 -  Konoplyanka deal is still on but the player will stay in Ukraine to sign contract and undergo medical. Almost certainly because he's got dinner in the oven and doesn't want it to burn - more as we have it.

13:05 - Abominable re-gen Iago Aspas is not leaving Anfield according to ITV.

13:01 - Good news for West Ham fans - Newcastle's plans to chase midfielder Mark Noble are off. Possibly because his French accent is TERRIBLE.

12:55 - Man United have been awfully quiet... Is the wifi down at Old Trafford?

12:50 - DEAL DONE: Everton have signed promising Czech Jindrich Stanek. Look!

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12:35 - DEAL DONE: Holtby to Fulham on loan, collecting their coveted(?) number 10 shirt.

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12:24 - Strange reports on Ravel Morrison to City. More as I get it. *frantically refreshes Twitter*

12:18 - Once linked with Liverpool and Man United, Brazilian playmaker Hernanes has confirmed he's signing for Inter Milan.

12:13 - Long-term Chelsea target Mangala and Liverpool target Fernando still being linked with Man City move but reports suggest if one goes, the other won't - double bid probably off the cards. Shame. I mean, shame for them - it would've been pretty much GAME OVER for everyone else.

12:07 - Guardian reporting West Ham are in for Lescott again - possibly against the player's will. Surely many better teams will be trying to get his scribble on a contract than Big Sam's men? Anyway his move would free up a decidedly Mangala-shaped spot...

11:59 - He broke down crying in an interview after finding out he was leaving Lazio for Inter, such is the sorry state of affairs the Milan club has found themselves in.

11:52 - Thank god it's nearly lunch time. There's only so much bull one guy can read.

11:49 - In WORLD'S MOST OBVIOUS SIGNING EVER, Stoke about to complete £4million move for Sunderland shinpad cracker Lee Cattermole. Rumours that Sunderland bit their hand off, as yet, unsubstantiated.

11:46 - Taraabt loan to Milan confirmed - signalling the pit of despair that most of Serie A has become.

11:38 - In the morning's biggest WTF so far: Spurs' very-blonde playmaker Lewis Holtby is on his way to Fulham, apparently. Possibly on loan but no confirmation either way to that end, just yet.

11:33 - Dave Maddock reporting that "Yann M'Vila deal is unlikely (via Mirror)

11:30 - Reports coming in that Kurt Zouma's agent claiming St Etienne have received a 'promising' bid from Chelsea. That could literally mean anything or nothing at all but Chelsea fans are taking this as a reason to start celebrating - would be terrible if this one didn't happen... #TrustInJose

11:27 - Kroos to Man United is DEFINITELY off, says newspaper Sunday World. Trust them or don't. It's a free country.

11:25 - Oh great, it's bloody raining. Oh yes-- Sorry, transfers. Right.

11:21 - Eurosport are reporting that the Mail has reported (ugh) that Liverpool's move for Konoplyanka might be off because the winger is 'unsure' about move. 

11:15 - Just seen my first "Pogba DEFINITELY moving to X" tweet - drink your shot. This time it's to Chelsea. Two hopes: Bob Hope and no hope, I'm afraid.

11:13 - Arsenal fans bragging about 'equity' and 'pride' over 'debt' to people RTing the fact that the last time Arsenal won a trophy Januzaj was nine.

11:10 - Sunderland are looking to offload their massive lump-- I mean, striker Jozy Altidore. Looks more like a bouncer than a footballer, I must say.

11:05: Zaha is off to Cardiff on loan - according to his, uh... Instagram. He doesn't look that chuffed.

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11:00 - Michael Keane from United to QPR on loan. Expect Harry's window chat to be imminent.

10:54 - With rumours he was off to Spurs sending WHL hearts-breaking (can you send something breaking? Who cares?), looks like Nani is off to Inter instead. Rest easy Spurs and United fans.

10:45 - Flop Danny Graham being sent back to Sunderland after scoring just one goal for Hull. Jesus. When you're not good enough for Hull you've got problems. (via)

10:43 - Might be bad news for fans of jackin' it to Berba-controls as reports suggest the laconic targetman might be on his way to France, with tax-haven superclub Monaco chasing his signature - which is probably just an X. Because he's THAT cool.

10:40 - "BREAKING NEWS: Amanda Knox linked with move back to Italy" - @Dubstep1988

10:35 - In less exciting news, Fulham in for Swansea's sleepy-looking left-back Neil Taylor.

10:28 - Rumours flying about that Moyes will bid for hirsute regista Andrea Pirlo - easily the best player with a brilliant beard and a girl's name this side of Daniele de Rossi.

10:23 - Freddy Adu was training at Blackpool yesterday? How the F did I miss that? 

10:17 - "Looking at the ML default players, Arsenal actually need to sign Barota, Huylens and Celnili. They'd give the team a massive boost." - @iankharitonov

10:14 - West Ham still up for nicking Mitroglou off Fulham, say Mirror - they need goals and the Greek is good at scoring 'em. Terrible eyebrows, though. TERRIBLE.

10: 11 - Borussia Dortmund have signed Serbian starlet Miloš Jojić - he looks ace.

10:10 - Osvaldo is actually in Turin! As idiots on Twitter like to say, "SCENES!" Medical due. Can you fail a medical on grounds of being a bit crap?

10:02 - Sorry Newcastle fans: That mooted move ('mootve'? Nearly works) for Grenier is off the table, according to Inside Futbol.

09:58 - MEN reporting that Man City might look to use very-handsome DM Javi Garcia as part of swap deal for Porto's Fernando - a man who is very talented but a man that City simply just don't need. That's 'MEN' as in Manchester Evening News not like, some blokes in the pub.

09:43 - Southampton still trying to flog Khal Drogo-lookalike flop Osvaldo, with Juventus looking to be the saps most likely to punt. He'd probably do as cover for Vucinic but come on, guys - be reasonable.

09:30 - People still claiming that Man United are in for Spurs' shoot-happy 'winger' Andros Townsend. People including BT Sports. Probably on loan but people are bandying about a £20million price tag which sound LUDICROUS.

09:10 - Liverpool about to complete the signing of Ukraine winger Konoplyanka from Dnipro, according to some Ukraine Twitter profile. They seem pretty legit.