Why Cheryl Cole Should Get The Newcastle Job

Forget Martin Jol, he'd be a far too sensible option to manage the three ring circus that is Newcastle Football Club. Maradona, Tony Blair and Ant and Dec are far more realistic options...
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Forget Martin Jol, he'd be a far too sensible option to manage the three ring circus that is Newcastle Football Club. Maradona, Tony Blair and Ant and Dec are far more realistic options...

Alan Pardew

Pros: Early bookie's favourite. Swedish Wife. Took a West Ham side, with Shaka Hislop in it, to within two penalty kicks of the FA Cup. Liable to liven up press conferences with ill-advised use of terms like 'raped', 'beasted' and 'Pardewised'. Available for free. Scrubs up well. Isn't Steve McLaren.

Cons: Sideways move.Never managed a club further north than Bracknall.Looks out of his depth in the Premier League. So mind-numbingly dull, uninspiring and committed to efficiency that he only poos out little capsules with “Alan's Bum Rubbish” written on. Looks like a cross between Michael Gove and a duck in a wind tunnel.

Geordie Circus Rating: 5

Alan Shearer

Pros: Did just enough for the club during his ten-year playing career to allow his Match of The Day punditry to be casually swept under the carpet. Might still have a transfer shortlist tucked away in a drawer somewhere. Definitely more interesting than any other 'Alan' to be linked with the post. Nice suits. Can shout loudly. Short commute.

Cons: Not even in some sort of warped backwards reality, where up is down, left is right and toast always lands on the cat's feet, would he fill the “more experienced manager” criteria. May get tempted to pick himself over Shola Ameobi. Might have Mark Lawrenson in tow. Probably still doesn't know anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.

Geordie Circus Rating: 7

Diego Maradona

Pros: Available and looking for work. Might be the only man to find the day-to-day circus at the club 'a bit tame'. Might impose a flashy South-American playing style. Could tempt big-name players to the club. Literally and figuratively has the stomach for it. Already rates Gutierrez and Coloccini. Might fix Gazza.

Cons: Unproven at club level. Still not wildly popular in this country after that thing he did with his hand. Unpredictable health issues, i.e. death. Wouldn't like the weather. Press may react badly to being told to “suck it and keep on sucking”. Could get back on the old 'Bolivian marching powder'. Actually rates Gutierrez and Coloccini. Might make Gazza worse.

Geordie Circus Rating: 9

Tony Blair

Pros: Boyhood fan. Thirteen years of management experience at the same club. Good public speaker. Games made more accessible by being broadcast on Sky News as well and Sky Sports. No compunction with fibbing to the public. Great idea for a sit-com regardless. Might appoint Prescott to oversee discipline.

Cons: Could be undermined and eventually usurped by his assistant manager, who despite seemingly tailor-made for the position, manages to make an even bigger mess of things and leaves the next boss with a ton of debt to clear. Could get his ear bent by shifty American managers. Might appoint Blunkett to oversee scouting.

Geordie Circus Rating: 9.5

Cheryl Cole, Ant & Dec

Pros: Could introduce a new era of footballing democracy where the fans could simply vote out under-performing players. Press conferences would be a howl. Bush-tucker trials replacing club fines. The concept of Joey Barton having to eat Koala scrotum. Keeps them all off the telly for a while.

Cons: Would require next season's kits to be sponsored by ITV. Worryingly high chance of Piers Morgan getting in on the action. May lead to dimensional rifts in the fabric of reality caused by everybody south of the Watford gap combusting into fits of laughter upon hearing the news. Very obviously not a good idea.

Geordie Circus Rating: 10

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