World Cup Bid 2018: Live on Twitter

Oh well, that's torn it. Looks like I'll have to dig out my furry hat and vodka boots and goggles.
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Oh well, that's torn it. Looks like I'll have to dig out my furry hat and vodka boots and goggles.

10:13 Cameron tells #FIFA we have great fans and best transport links. Back home, Brummies riot and snow halts trains and buses.

10:17 England's official film got me going. Our Premiership is an international melting pot watched all over world.

10:22 #Wenger, #Mancini and those other cosmopolitan sophisticates #AlexFerguson and #HarryRedknapp doing their bit in film.

10:24 #AlexFerguson wisely doesn't refer to the generosity, goodness and humanity of #WayneRooney.

10:25 #MCFC's Eddie Afekafe holding it all together brilliantly, segueing between Royalty and Prime Ministers seamlessly.

10:26 Oh oh, Eddie's got on to drugs and crime. Phew, he's talking about community projects not #JoeyBarton.

10:27 Here's our star turn, #DavidBeckham. His hair could do with a trim.

10:29 Becks going on about his grandad. Suppose this is the "personal touch".

10:30 Now Becks is tugging at the heartstrings. His granddad died a year ago today. Won't work on #SeppBlatter who's a twat.

10:31 More film. Soundtrack still Beautiful Day by #Elbow. Still playing up Premiership's influence all over the world.

10:33 #DavidBeckham now summing up; "Our dream to benefit millions and make your grandchildren proud."

Shit, I've missed the Spanish babes. Now it's the Russians' turn. Their representative looks about 12.

10:34 And for all that, they get "a certificate" from #SeppBlatter who describes their presentation as "excellent."

11:09 Shit, I've missed the Spanish babes. Now it's the Russians' turn. Their representative looks about 12.

11:10 Very poetic: "We'll give you what's in our hearts, not the statistics in our bid book."

11:13 Russia's film is puke inducing, saccharine-riddled fantasy with irritating Euro Disco Beat. Nice chicks in bikinis though.

11:15 "Russia Never Sleeps". But it beats up investigative journalists and poisons political dissidents.

11:19 So much with "from the heart". The 12-yr-old is now spouting stats about hotel rooms, travelling times, hooker tariffs.

11:20 Oh God, here's the Russians' "technical video". Er, presented by a curvy blonde in a short dress. Check out her stats.

11:22 "No visas needed" say Russians. That's a con. It's a #FIFA condition that all host countries waive visa rules. Cheats!!

11:24 Russian film full of airbrushed kids and beautiful buildings. No sign of petroleum mafia, gas gangsters or borsch.

11:25 Now some statuesque Russian hooker addresses FIFA. What's that? Oh, she's apparently a statuesque pole-vaulter...

Russian film full of airbrushed kids and beautiful buildings. No sign of petroleum mafia, gas gangsters or borsch.

11:27 Now a cute Russian schoolkid takes the podium. Lovely little boy. Well done #AndreiArshavin

LATER IN THE AFTERNOON….

14:33 Well, whatever happens, at least we've got a lovely, framed Bidder's certificate. Cheers Sepp.

14:39 #Scotland geared up for nationwide celebrations. If Spain, Russia or Holland win

14:52 Rumours of a delay in announcement. #Beckham's lost his hair gel.

14:54 Let's not forget the value of winning: ££Billions for business and tourism sector. Plus England qualify automatically.

14:56 Possible delay of 15 mins, i.e. will now be at 1515. So much for Swiss efficiency.

14:57 If it goes to penalties we're fucked.

15:02 A Prince, a Prime Minister and a Player Who Pooed in his Pants - how can we lose????

15:04 Despite not having as many fit birds as the others, our bid was the most outward looking. Hope #FIFA can understand that.

15:07 Seb Coe says "it smells good". That's #PrinceWilliam's aftershave you fool. What about the result????

15:13 Hopefully #FIFA were impressed by the glamorous names in our bid: Plymouth, Milton Keynes, etc.

15:15 #Wikileaks reporting that #SeppBlatter used to be a Dalek.

15:19 We are now 20 mins late. All those bags of cash being exchanged between #FIFA members obviously takes time.

A Prince, a Prime Minister and a Player Who Pooed in his Pants - how can we lose????

15:21 Hundreds of people in Manchester wondering how they'll get home if this all goes tits up and the trams aren't running.

15:21 #MiltonKeynes blushing at all the global attention.

15:22 Pictures now coming in from inside the auditorium. Big close up of Prince William's thinning bonce. Shame.

15:23 Now 25 mins late. COME ON SEPP YOU CUNT!!!!

15:24 Sky News reporting rumours of bad news as music starts up.

15:25 Sky's "bad news" may simply be that #KayBurley is stuck at home.

15:25 Henry Winter reporting we went out in first round!!!

15:27 English delegates don't look remotely happy. We're doomed methinks. Can just see #AndreiArshavin's ears in background.

15:29 Maybe we'll get the 2022 World Cup instead? Does it work like that? We'd settle for the World Domino Champs.

15:30 Lots of nail biting pre-amble as #FIFA smoothies show off their multilingual skills.

15:30 PA reporting we’ve lost.

15:33 Not looking good, Blatter has just said China invented football, not England!!!! Twat!

15:37 The winner is Russia FIX!!!!! #AndreiArshavin must have been busy with his young boy's arse in the #FIFA canteen.

15:38 If Becks, Prince William and David Cameron had any pride or dignity, they'd beat the shit out of Abramovich and Arshavin.

15:49 Fitting, I suppose, that one of the most corrupt bodies in the world gives the WC to one of the most corrupt nations.

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