“x floating-point registers”… “what’s Lady Gaga saying”… “unashamedly plastic”…

Low, it came to pass - haters get to hate, fanbois get to twitching and Apple announce two new phones. Look away now if you sit in the “so fucking what?” camp. For the rest of us that sit between “I need a new phone” and “zOMG Apple Event!” what’s actually dropped from the happy clappers in California?

The leaks were pretty much spot on. China might keep things tight if you’re Google searching but it’s not that hard to get a plastic case out into the real world before Apple do. If you’ve seen the blue, pink, white, yellow & green 5c online whilst scratching for rumours - they were right. The new “affordable” iPhone is here, which let’s be honest is aimed squarely at previously mentioned land of opportunity and device manufacture China. No doubt despite aiming at the East they’ll be everywhere and on most kids’ Xmas lists. In short - it’s a colourful iPhone 5 which will do just enough for most people if they can handle the Willy Wonka colours.

Elsewhere the power-users ready to step into an in-between full release (e.g. the “s” variant  many/most ignore unless their contract drops correctly) get the option to select Gold, Silver, Space Grey - as Apple, in their own inimitable way declare the colour range to be. No more white Stormtrooper at the top end any more, C3PO, R2D2 and Metal Mickey only (albeit I reckon it’s name change only and less actual colour change comparing outgoing and incoming - how very Apple).

More…

The Tyrants of Technology: How Apple Broke My Heart

Can Your Mac Do This?

Headlines are better battery, better camera (with 120 fps slo-mo video), much faster (read 40x more than the first iPhone and twice as fast as the 5) and probably more importantly for the tech hounds 4G ready (the “old” iPhone 5 won’t party with O2 or Vodafone’s 4G folks). Oh, and there’s Touch ID. No more “year we won the cup” or “year I was born” login. Touch the home button to unlock or to make an iTunes purchase. “Scan finger print”… I doubt it’ll make a sci-fi noise when it unlocks but it feels like it ought to.

So, shrug and caress your HTC or Samsung, scratch your head if all the above leaves you cold or gaze at your iPhone 5 and try not to be too disappointed it’s old news. Apple have just done what they do best, announced a step up that many will “need” regardless of the competition. This is probably the biggest mid-cycle leap yet for the iPhone. Lord knows what the iPhone 6 will do, if it’s sized like the speccy kid at school’s briefcase I’m out anyway. This one seems to do all I was after as I excitedly sat watching the reality distortion wash across the live blogs. Now for the scramble…

Click here for 5C Video

Click here for 5S Video