Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?


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Dare I Say It, But... Scalextric Is Crap

Smashing nostalgia with a miniature car flying off the table. Drive like grandma and you're a winner. Live for the moment and push the pedal to the metal and it's curtains. What kind of a lesson is that to a child?

My first. My last. My everything.

The time had come for me to introduce the boy to Scalextric, the first rung on the step ladder of manhood. For this milestone I found a Mini Cooper set on eBay for twenty five quid plus postage and it arrives in just a couple of days, great transaction, five stars.

Expectation is etched on the boy’s face as I set about construction. The troublesome overlapped plastic fixings don’t seem to fit quite right and make my soft, work-in-an-office and never-done-a-hard-day’s-real-graft hands a bit sore, but who cares though. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, is what I say and Scalextric rocks. We all know that the fiddly track is the price you pay for hours of fun, right?

The figure of eight takes shape, little sturdy grey risers to keep the track elevated where they cross at the centre, crash barriers on the corners, a few flags peppered hither and yon and the classic chequered tarmac starting grid. You can almost smell the atmosphere: the high octane fuel, pert hot-panted pit girls, Bernie Ecclestone strutting around looking cross, the sheer throbbing testosterone of it all. I find myself rubbing my hands together which I generally don’t do because it makes me look like Fagin.

So the Scalextric is plugged in and I flick on the wall switch, signifying that the preparations are over and extreme mirth is imminent. Now the test. I turn over the Mini Cooper revealing the underside and take the familiar little woven wire wool connectors in my fingertips and squeeze and plump them out, raising them a few millimetres from the bottom of the car to ensure maximum energy transference from the electric rail. I last did this thirty years ago but I know it instinctively.

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I turn the car back over and make connection with the track, gunning the engine with a quick burst on the trigger. The little Cooper, held firmly in my hand with rear wheels just above the track, bursts into life with the small electric motor screaming to be set free and the small boy’s eyes nearly pop out of his head at the thrill of it all. Forty-year-old man and five-year-old boy are united, functioning briefly for a snapshot in time on the same plane. We’re racing drivers.

The red and yellow cars are lined up side by side now. The boy counts down: three, two, one, GO. A surging arc of power launches the small cars forwards where they simultaneously reach top speed in an instant before meeting the first bend and leaving the track, both spiralling dramatically into the skirting. We do this six times, neither of us completing an unaided lap.

“This is rubbish, Daddy, can we play Mario Karts?”

And the sentence brings me to a halt with the realisation of a blinding singular truth. The boy is right: Scalextric is crap. It doesn’t work unless you go round really slowly. That’s how you play. The winner is the most careful, the one who keeps his forefinger light, the one who represses every desire to rip the track to pieces in an orgy of speed. The maverick living for the second, hanging his ass over the raggedy edge flips out every time. What kind of fucked up message is this to give a little boy? Life needs seizing by the bollocks. Driving slowly with caution and care is what Grandma does.

What cunning mind repressing tricks do those folk at Scalextric possess that makes me forget such a fundamental shortcoming, that the cars only stay on the track if you go slowly? How had I forgotten that you spend more time putting it together than playing on it because the fucking cars come off every time.

We leave the Scalextric on the floor, not even bothering to pack it away, instead choosing to play on the Wii. Mario Carts: Mario and Luigi teaming up together to nail that bitch Peach.

I’ve said it and there’s no taking it back. It’s out. I’m Spartacus. The confrontation of the Scalextric truth has now led to the scrutiny of everything from my past that I thought was great, an analysis of my own rose-tinted nostalgia. And you know what? A lot of it really isn’t what I thought it was.

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james Lewis 3:35 pm, 22-Oct-2010

Best thing I ever had. Loved it.

Leon Poultney 3:43 pm, 22-Oct-2010

Brilliantly tickling piece Gavin. A year or so ago we were sent a massive set into our 'lads mag' offices. So being such bloody lads we spent all morning setting it up, had one go, got massively bored of the cars flying off and got back to work. The track's still there.

Keith Wildman 3:56 pm, 22-Oct-2010

My best ever Christmas present. Remember setting it up with my dad. Seem to remember it never really working properly. Happy times.

Doug 3:57 pm, 22-Oct-2010

I doubt that this is the same Scalextric that you had in your youth - this is micro-Scalextric and it is basically crap, but there are some people who like it. Check out 1:32 Scalextric sets and cars - loads of other brands available too. Quality is outstanding and racing is good fun.

Lucy Sweet 5:48 pm, 22-Oct-2010

absolutely true. Had a similarly disappointing Scalextric experience on my son's birthday. Cars flew everywhere then it broke 2 seconds later and is now languishing under a chest of drawers with some fluff and an unloved Slinky.

Martin 9:31 am, 23-Oct-2010

You should try the digital Scalextric racing instead of the Micro stuff, which includes options to turn down the power a tad for those who just can't resist visiting the crash barriers. Plus lap timing, pit stops and various other features. And as with real life motor sport, if you can't keep it on the road, you're going too fast :)

Two R's 9:49 am, 24-Oct-2010

Can't beat a good train set. The Thomas ones are ace. Steam engines rock!

griff 3:53 pm, 24-Oct-2010

Slinky! another overrated toy from our childhoods. 1. occasionally it works amazingly, but most of the time it just crashes down the stairs and 2. you spend more time trying to untangle it.

Uncle Bingo 8:50 am, 25-Oct-2010

My old man made a to-scale Scalextric replica of Brands Hatch when I was a kid and we had to move the whole front room around to fit it in. Ditch the figure-8 and invest in somink decent.

Coupy 7:50 am, 26-Oct-2010

Not a bad review, but go out and spend your money on what you should have got in the first place.... the 1:32 Scalextric! A lot more conrtrollable and the modern cars with the magnetraction are hard forced off the track even at full pelt. Jadlamracingmodels do a cracking range of new cars and tracks at a knocked down price. Go on line, buy the new stuff and re ignite your childhood dreams.

Jacky 4:50 pm, 8-Jul-2011

Scalextric was always crap - TCR was much better cos the track had sides on it, so you could hammer the cars round corners without fear of putting somebody's eye out.

Sam 6:04 pm, 4-Dec-2011

I've had a similar experience this week with 1/32, apparently "Classic", Scalextric. Boys bored after coming off the first corner six times, wife bored by cars getting stuck. However, I find getting up to move cars more active than a Wii, whatever Nintendo says, and cheaper than gym membership.

Gary 11:21 am, 26-Dec-2011

Agree - total crap!..shouldn't be allowed to sell it when so rubbish Boxing day and 2 sets broke..grrrr!!!!

JD 5:09 pm, 22-Dec-2012

Guess what we've bought our 5 year old boy for Xmas....

Dave 4:18 pm, 23-Dec-2012

Loved it, in my later years raced in the European championship had some great times. try the decent stuff, get your mates round....have fun

Dave 10:06 am, 23-Jan-2013

Sounds like you've got ADHD - cant learn the skill to keep it on the black, so lets go to the Wii where the 'puter puts the car back on for you. Until you can learn to drift it, I'd suggest you stick to Tiger Woods and Super Bass Fishing for your familys' recreational needs ;-)

Mick 11:00 pm, 30-Mar-2013

You're all wussies. You've not done Scalextric properly until you've built your own Airfix Mk I Cortina, Ford Escort, Mini Cooper etc. around the motor and other drive bits. THEN you're really driving the Scalextric experience. You've built the car, and bloody hell - you're racing it!

sausage fingers 3:00 pm, 23-May-2013

AFX was far superior ans much faster

Dave 3:10 pm, 1-Jul-2013

I hope you dont drive a real car if you cant understand that going around bends too fast will result in your car leaving the road. Of course it would be great fun wouldnt it if you just held the trigger down and the cars flew around the track at top speed and never came off. There would be no winner because the cars would just cross the line at the same time. Maybe the fucked up message is dont drive your car round bends at 100mph like an arsehole cos you might just kill yourself and neverget to grandmas age. ;-)

Josh 3:53 am, 18-Jul-2013

What you say about Scalextric is not even true to their whole range. Try the 1:32 model range, they are way better. I have 23 cars and none of them have problems, all are really fast and I don't have problems with them coming off. I recommend buying a 1:32 set, not scalextric start, micro or my first. The real scalextric is better.

Vincent 1:28 pm, 25-Oct-2013

Your clearly a fucking idiot that has no skill.

Nanook 1:07 pm, 8-Dec-2013

Micro stuff maybe crap but 1:32 is definitely not. Check my videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RWZExOVLr8

Bobsticle 5:08 pm, 23-Apr-2014

The person that wrote this article is a absolute handicap. "Drive like grandma and your a winner" - lol What if the person you are playing can go faster than grandma and doesn't go full speed into the corners....what the fuck do you win then?

brown 4:10 pm, 25-Apr-2014

scaletric 1:32 is amazing! if you've got half a brain, you will slow for corners and power out of them. hope the OP doesn't drive near me. also scaletric is great for learning how to do basic repairs and maintenance as well. kids nowdays will be lucky if they even know what a screwdriver is!

craig norman 7:58 pm, 2-Feb-2015

If you can't drive Scalextric you're a retard. Probably the same retard who stinks at basic DIY. My kids and I have the best fun ever. I even set up a track at a mates party. It was a blast. They were accountants and even they could keep it on the track.

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