10 Ways To Finish Your Relationship On Social Media Without Being A Berk

It's all gone Pete Tong between you and your partner, and you're behind on your status updates. We suggest 10 ways to make social media work to your advantage in that messy post-relationship hangover...
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It's all gone Pete Tong between you and your partner, and you're behind on your status updates. We suggest 10 ways to make social media work to your advantage in that messy post-relationship hangover...

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Ending a relationship is never easy, and with your entire life strewn across countless social media sites it can often be difficult to untie yourself from all that baggage. Here are 10 ways (written with a not entirely sympathetic feminine slant) of using social media as the good cop and not the bad cop who throws a strop and covers the interview room with coffee...

Begin In Private

You're not doing yourself any favours by plastering the messy details all over social media, especially in the early days (and particularly if there's the chance of a reconciliation on the cards.) Private messaging saves a lot of heartache and is likely to earn respect not simply from your ex-partner but also from your friends. Screaming she's a HEARTLESS BITCH all over your status is not recommended.

This is not the Time for THAT Photo

You know the one, or many. Relationships work best when you don't have your entire friends list involved. Comments claiming no-one will satisfy her quite like you did are also off-limits. If the tart strikes first and publishes those shower shots you'll be in a better position if you don't retaliate. Just remember next time not to take pictures after a drunken night out. Getting your mates to post sneaky upskirt shots is also a no-no.

Spotify is Your Friend

If your partner is smart, she'll already have changed her passwords and you won't have access to any of 'her' online stuff. If she hasn't there's a chance to use this as a way to remind her of the better parts of your relationship. Try songs that will evoke the good times together, pictures that reinforce that you're not the heartless wanker she's bitching about on Tumblr. Avoid songs like 'I Wanna Sex You Up' and 'Baby Got Back.' Try some subtlety.

Rally the Troops

Social networking is a great way to remind friends that you're not a complete tosser and that actually this relationship might be worth saving. This only applies if said disastrous breakup didn't end because you were found in a threesome with her best friend and boyfriend to begin with. Use your discretion.

Stay 'In a Relationship'

Currently Facebook does not have a Relationship option that reads In 'The Process of Attempting to Save This Trainwreck' Until you know there's absolutely no life left in this seething mass of hatred and ill will, leave your status untouched. It'll make telling everyone about the whole thing far easier to control and back into your hands. It also hides the fact you're being consoled by another mate on her friends list.

You're not doing yourself any favours by plastering the messy details all over social media, especially in the early days...

140 Character Arguments are NOT FUN

I've lost count of the number of relationships I've seen disintegrate via Twitter. The biggest problem is that the character limit is never enough to express just how much you despise each other. It fills up people's inboxes and is a sure fire way to get yourself unfollowed. If it's come to this, walk away. Go relax with some online porn instead.

Knowing when to Stop Flogging

Having done everything possible and established beyond a shadow of a doubt that yes, this relationship is dead, it is time to sever all ties. However tempting it is to cause trouble the Internet has a very long memory and always remembers the MOST embarrassing parts of your life, whether you can or not. It never overindulges or ends up in Casualty after that dodgy cocktail and pill combination. When its over, walking away is the most sensible thing you will ever do.

Change EVERYTHING

You could do a lot worse to reset all of YOUR passwords to online stuff. Get past the recrimination and blame, count it down to experience and make sure she can't access any of the stuff you're keeping to remember her by... and stop accessing her stuff because she's not done the same. That's just being a dick.

Don't Burn the PC

Once upon a time it would have been de rigeur to set a burning pyre of relationship detritis aflame in a ritual purging exercise. Doing this now could not only be dangerous, but would be utterly ineffective. When your kids unearth the pictures 20 years from now you wish you'd never had taken in the first place, you'll truly understand why some parts of any relationship really should happen without someone keeping a backup copy 'in the cloud'...

When All Else Fails...

Remember who else reads the Internet: your parents (even though they don't admit it) your boss (though he should be working) and indeed any potential employer could have access to your stuff. Just because they say it's private, you should think before you post anything.

Failing that, you could do a lot worse than make a You Tube video set to music of how much your relationship sucked and hope it becomes a viral sensation...

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